The Pillow Book of Inara Serra
by Phaedra7
Summary: Visions of the crews past, present, and future. This series takes focuses mainly on Mal, Inara, and their daughter, Serenity, during the Second War for Independence. Updated for the first time in a year with a new chapter and more in the works.
1. Part I: Book of Words

86. He lay back obediently

He lay back obediently, silent for once, as my brush danced across his skin. It didn't start out that way. He grumbled during the bath of water and lemon juice.

"I did bathe this mornin' you know. You tryin' to say I stink."

"Mal this is part of the ritual, just lie back and try to enjoy it."

"You know, I can't afford any of your fancy wiles."

I gave him my exasperated smile as I dried him off and gently pushed him onto the bed. I have learned to pick my fights. He does not mean to hurt me with his barbs, it's just his way. I kissed him gently lulling him into complacency, and then I let my brush speak for me.

_I love you_, a simple phrase in French for his right arm.

_You are my home_, a concept in Russian for his left arm.

"That tickles."

"Shhh . . . hold still. Let me have my way."

_Your words cut me like razors, _arched around his collarbone with the Japanese symbols reaching up to caress his jugular.

You heal me. You hurt me. Only you have this power. You and no other. I am yours, eternally. You are mine forever. I scrawled this polyglot prayer across his chest. He moaned in pleasure as the oils I mixed with the ink warmed his skin. The unguents made his muscles quiver involuntarily.

"What are you doing to me?"

I filled my eyes with meaning and mischief, "Don't you know. I'm casting a spell on you. Companions are trained in all the arts."

"Well, whatever it is don't stop."

In you, I have found the meaning of Serenity, this down his right leg, the Sanskrit enlarged so that the words barely brush his inner thigh.

And once you've been in Serenity you can never leave, in Hebrew on his left.

"'Nara . . . I . . ." the words came in desperate pants, his eyes begged me for release.

"I'm almost done."

Lastly, I wrote Joy in the exact place to give him that sensation. I pressed my seal on his hip, right above that ridiculous tattoo. Then, for good measure, I dipped my softest brush in gold gently swirling it until he came violently, ruining all my careful work.

"That was nasty," was all he could say once he recovered.

I quirked an eyebrow at him leveling at stern glare at him.

"So when do I get to scribble all over you?"

"Someday. . . if you're good."

"But you love me because I'm bad man." With that he pounced on me returning my gentle tortures a thousand times fold. Ink and oil mixed with semen drenched my body. It was only after, when we both lay exhausted and sated that he asked, "What did all that stuff mean anyway?"

I smiled, "Knowing the words breaks the spell. A good companion will never tell."

* * *

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Part I: The Book of Words**

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* * *

**  
This was my mother's. Aunt Kaylee gave it to me to celebrate the End of the Second War for Independence. "Fuck U'Day" we gonna to call it. She only said, "Your Ma wanted me to give this to you when you were old enough to understand."

But I didn't. Looking at the pages of the book, it all looked like gibberish to me. One line written in English. Another Mandarin, but not the kind I spoke. Others written in words and symbols I ain't never seen before. Had to go to River. Moonbrained, Janye used to call her. Still, ain't no one on Shadow knows more 'bout random nothin' than River does. She the one who translated it for me. Wrote it all down to in that thin wispy hand of hers (so light it looked like the words would float away it you let them). She knows all them fancy languages. Funny, River can't talk one lick of sense. Yet sometimes I think she knows more 'bout what's goin' on than any of us do.

"Momma never left you, Serenity. Always watching from far away. She's right here waiting for you to find her."

I was barely seven years old, last time I saw my mother. Don't remember much 'bout her. When I was younger I would try ta ask, but people would get all tetchy and quiet. Got the same story again and again . . . she was beautiful, graceful, and gone. "Ain't no point in chasin' after what you can't have, Serenity," Kaylee used ta say. Then her eyes would get all sad and distant, the way they would sometimes. "Best you be learnin' that as soon as possible."

They say I looks just like her. I don't see it. Not with all her fancy ways people talk 'bout, and me never outta my dungarees and such. Still, when I dream, I see purdy lady with eyes like the softest velvet. She floats through the room dancin' with me in her arms. She's singin' somethin' 'bout the land burnin' and the sea bolin', but the sky always bein' there for ya. Don't make much sense to me. I ain't hardly been off of Shadow.

Pa, when he weren't off fightin' some place, wouldn't talk about her much. He'd just say that she was some whore he took up for a while and that he lost her durin' the early days of the war. Wish he'd tell me more, I earned that right. But I couldn't buy his love in blood. And the truth costs a lot more.

So this book is all I got. I keep both copies, here under my pillow where they rightly belong. Where Pa can't find them. It seemed an odd legacy to leave one's only child; lists, diary entries, disjointed memories. Lot's of them are dirty. Makes me fair blush when I read them, 'specially the ones that talk 'bout Pa. But I reckon that's all a whore got to talk about. I figure the only thing that my mother every really owned were words she didn't care to share with no one else.

* * *

One must never underestimate the power of words. Words hurt. Words heal. They name. Mark territory like lines on a map or a ring on a finger. They help us remember who we are and, if used properly, can help forgive the wrongs we suffer and inflict. But they cannot forget . . . words never forget. 

Writing gives the author possession over the work. Many clients have scribed they passing passions on my skin, but Mal was my first and my only human pillow book. Across his skin in the languages of Earth-that-was, those words died on their speakers' lips, I transcribed the all that I dared not say. All the feeling for which I had no words.


	2. Part II: Book of Seasons

The usual disclaimers. This is a work of fanfic, not intended to entrench on any parties registered copyright interests. With apologies to Joss Whedon, Sei Shonagon, and all other sources whose brilliance inspired this work. Thanks to Mai and Robin for slogging through this chapter with me.

Authors Note: The events of this and all subsequent entries take place roughly one year before the end of the Second War for Independence, thus they occur before PBIS, Part I: Book of Words. The opening pillow book entry dates back to Inara's time on Serenity.

1. In Spring It Is the Dawn

In spring it is the dawn that is the most beautiful. As the light creeps over the sill, cherry blossoms are cast in shadows upon my wall, dyed a faint red which grows richer and deeper in color as the sun rises - a sure sign of passion to come.

In summer the nights. Not only when the moon shines, but on the dark nights too. Chinese lanterns light the paths. Cool breezes blow, a relief after the heat of the day. We lounge in the gardens dressed in light silks, which caress our skin, and gossip about nothing. The sounds of feminine laughter fill the air and the gravel crunches with the steps of clients.

In autumn the evenings, when the glittering sun sinks close to the edge of the hills, the crows fly back to their nests in threes and fours and twos. The House Priestess warned me once, that a crow in your home is unlucky. It portends death. Still, I like to go to my window with strips in my hands and call to them. They fly over and gather the meat from my palms, carrying it back to the nest. I lick the savory juices from my fingers. Do they find it spicy too? It is odd how something so large and fierce-looking could be so gentle. Where the House Priestess sees a murder carrying death on its wings, I see a family.

In winter the early mornings, the sun blinds as its light reflects off of the snow. Being night creatures, most of the house is still asleep. But I find no rest in dreams. I wander the halls watching the servants scuttle to and fro. Gathering linens soiled in love, lighting pine fires to warm our rooms and chase desire's smell away. I walk outside marveling at the glory of untrodden snow. A perfect white blanket covers the ground and the crisp air cuts my nose when I try to breathe. This is what possibility smells like, sharp and critical. But as the day progresses, heavy boots will spoil its purity. We companions will neglect the fires the servants so carefully laid. Soon nothing remains but piles of white ashes.

But here, in the black, there are no seasons. Instead, sea of stars stretches out as far as you can see. In their twinkling, I hear whispers of promise. _Eternity . . . Safety . . . Freedom. _I like to go up to the bridge at night, when everyone else is sleeping. Sometimes the Captain is there, too. It may be the only time we're civil to each other. We stand there in companionable silence just to look, absorbing what the black has to tell us. I wonder what it promises him.

I thought that after the first few months, I'd become bored with all of this: the tiny shuttle, the barely edible protein, the provincial ports, the crime. Kaylee's questions, Wash's dinosaurs, Jayne's leers, Zoe's weapons, Mal's moods. That I'd long for the familiar sanctuary of House Madrassa and the comforting sights, smells and sounds of Sihnon. But I haven't yet. It's been almost seven months. I've made my shuttle a home, nothing compared to the luxury I'm used to, but habitable. The protein, well some things must be borne. The ports still hold more charm than the finest ball. The crime lends an air of excitement . . . though it worries me. The crew, despite their numerous quirks and occasional incompetence, continues to grow on me and every night I have the stars. Always the same, always different. The most beautiful sight I've ever seen.

**

* * *

**

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Part II: Book of the Seasons**

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* * *

**

**The Black, Final Months of the Second War for Independence**

Mal absent mindedly fingered his treasure while studying the stars.

"You in trouble again Sir?"

"Stay in trouble to keep from getting that way Zoe." Mal answered, "Why you askin' anyhow?"

"Well a couple of things. One, Inara sending Serenity down with Kaylee to see you off rather than coming herself. Two, you hitting every book store in Calliope, though that ain't saying much considering there are only four of them. But you did leave me and my darlin' husband to make the drop which ain't like you. And three, you been way too quiet, just playing with that book and staring off into space. I'd say it's been a good six hours since you insulted Wash here, he's feeling down right neglected."

"Really Mal, sometimes I think you just don't love me no more," Wash chimed in his best southern bell accent.

Zoe shot her beloved a look letting him know that she was none to pleased with his interruption. "Right, I'm flying. Husbands are to be seen and not heard."

"All the signs point to trouble on the home front. If you don't mind me saying, Sir."

Mal smirked. "Where do you women get your intuition from?"

"Could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, Sir. Pissed though she may be, don't think Inara would appreciate me bringing you home in a bag. You wanna talk about it?"

Mal considered making his standard excuse of having captainy things to do and running. But the fact was things were bad and he had no idea how to fix them. He looked briefly towards Wash, but decided it would be nice to have another source of testosterone in the room, maybe have someone on his side for a change. "It's nothin' really," he started cautiously. "It's just she's been all tetchy since that episode with River. Got some bee in her bonnet. She ain't sleepin'. Paces about all night. I mean one minute she's beggin' me to leave my sinful ways and take her to the furthest corner of the Rim, the next she's lookin' at me like she'd sooner shoot me than touch me."

"Mal you do produce unique reactions in women," Wash offered trying to lighten the mood. Zoe jabbed him none too gently in the ribs. "What, am I the only one who remembers Patience, Saffron, Mabel?" Now both of them were glaring at him. "Alright. Flying now, foot firmly in mouth."

Mal was beginning to regret his decision to let Wash stay. No, he was regretting opening his mouth in the first place. "This ain't like any fight we ever had before, and that is sayin' something."

"So you thought you'd buy her some nice piece of precious and that'd make it all better?" Zoe fixed him with her patented 'you dumb ass' look, usually reserved for Wash and when Mal's back was turned.

"Just thought it'd make her happy. Ain't like it's a negligee. That'd make me happy," he shrugged. "Hell, I'd find a way to buy that woman the whole gorram 'verse just to have her smile again."

"That's sweet, Sir, but when you gonna finally figure out that 'Nara ain't like that no more? She probably never was to begin with. She don't want something fancy, she wants you."

"Mal," Zoe flashed Wash a look of final warning. "What, don't I get to play? Seriously, hello people. Voice of expert outsider here. I mean, sometimes you two. . ." Wash stopped and started again. "I just mean sharing isn't easy. It's something a woman like Inara most probably never had to do. It's not enough that there's the crew and the kid. She's literally stuck in the middle of nowhere, millions of miles from everything she ever knew, in a life she probably never imagined. Was I the only one watching the first time she had to pump water? Bound to drive anyone crazy, even if they are in love."

Kwin-gwe-je deh! Wash was supposed to be on his side, whatever happened to male solidarity and such. "Fine, I understand, this is all my fault. Should have left her to fuck strangers happily into her old age. When we get back to Shadow I'll give her the tah mah de book and then dump her in the nearest fancy city. That sound alright to you two. Now can we please choose a different issue to orpahize."

"Sure Sir, whatever you say."

They just sat there for a few minutes sayin' nothin'. Damn all women! Though she was perfectly still, Mal could tell Zoe was still itchin' to tell him somethin'. Fine! He'd bite. "So, you two ain't always the picture of marital bliss, what do you do to make things right?"

"Well," Wash began, "First, I bribe Kaylee to baby-sit. Then, I like to draw the little woman a hot bath, light a few candles, get a fine bottle of wine, or the nearest equivalent there of, and then I like to . . ."

Zoe cut him off, "Sex."

Mal was shocked to see that her face was perfectly serious. "I see, well absent some very powerful juju, that ain't happen' with me and 'Nara."

Zoe continued as if he hadn't spoken, "Sex is our foreplay, the fight's the main event. Wash and I can workout our problems because we get rid of all the physical tensions. After that, people are generally more open to listening to each other. Ain't that right Sugar Plum."

"You the boss, Lamby Toes."

"You and Inara start out by shouting," she continued. "You keep ripping into each other until one of you starts kissing the other, just to shut them up. That may be fun, but nothing gets resolved."

"So you're sayin' I should toss her over my shoulder, caveman like and ravage her?" Mal was finally being to like the direction of this conversation.

"Could be. But then you gotta listen to what she's trying to tell you."

"Ah, Mal, not to interrupt the session . . ."

"She's trying to tell you something and you ain't hearin' it."

"Sir!"

"You gotta wake up!"

"We got a problem over here! The Alliance is waving us, demanding to come aboard!"

"What the . . ."

"Sir, the Alliance is waving us." "You gotta wake up!"

"I heard you the first time."

"Sir you gotta . . ."

"Huh!" Mal sat straight up nearly head butting Josh in the process.

"He awake yet?" An annoyed voice called. Cat green eyes stared down at the two men, waiting to see if there'd be any new development in the farce called their lives.

"Yeah, Shih, you can leave the cold water up there. We ain't gonna have ta dunk him this time," Josh called.

"Good, we got little enough as is," she grumbled not even trying to hide her disdain. "I'll be on the bridge if you need me."

Deciding to ignore the verbal barbs from his lesser half, Josh repeated, "Sir, you with us?"

"Yeah," Mal replied, adjusting to the fact that he was on the Eumenide, and that other ship was long gone. His head was pounding; his mouth tasted like something had died in it. "I thought I said I didn't want to be disturbed."

"You also said to make sure you had enough time to get cleaned 'fore we landed on Shadow," Josh fixed him with a look similar to the one Zoe used to give him when he was bad, all the worst parts of indulgence, pity, and disappointment. With his dark curly hair and penchant for hopelessly tacky attire, there was no mistaking the boy's lineage. "Well, we're about two hours out and judging by the sight of you, I shouda come here an hour ago."

"Don't you smart me boy. I'm still the capt . . . commander around these parts," Mal snapped in a good-hearted manner.

"Right, well you know Kaylee don't like no one to come home dirty, much less smellin' of booze. So I respectfully suggest that you get a move on."

"Git would ya, I'll be on the bridge in 10."

"Yes, Sir," Josh saluted as he left the Commander's quarters.

**The Eumenide Bridge, Two Hours Later**

Ching Shih sat easily in the pilot's chair watching Shadow come into view. She checked coordinates and made a few adjustments. No sense in crashing before the Commander had a chance to drink himself to death. Where would be the fun in that? Shadow was a poor excuse for a planet. She resented having to spend her what precious little leave time she got there. Of course, it wasn't like she had anywhere else to go. The Alliance had reclaimed her home planet leaving no survivors. Unfortunately, she and her parents had been off-world when it happened. Now that they were gone, the Commander and his rag-tag team were the closest thing she had to a family. 'Sides, she secretly liked being on the Suicide Squadron. No other brigade went on crazier mission, or killed more purple bellies. None brought as many out safe, either. Mal was an amazing commander, and they loved him for it. It was a shame that he just sucked as a human being.

"Where the hell is he?" Shih sniped, as she heard Josh coming onto the bridge. "We're about to break atmo, shouldn't he be up here giving me directions or something?"

Josh looked at her, thinking she might be pretty with her short dark hair and big green eyes. Might be, if he didn't know what a cast-iron bitch she was. "Ah, darlin', have you no patience? The man's about to see his family for the first time in over two years, he's allowed a little vanity. Sides, I know where we're going. I grew up here, remember."

"How could I forget? If I have to hear you sing the glories of the kindly Kaylee or the beauteous Serenity one more time, I might just have to shoot myself. Commander know you're sweet on his little girl?" She teased.

"I ain't sweet on her, she's like my kid sister." Josh replied flatly. "And lay off of that particular subject, 'less you wanna see Mal crawl right back into a bottle."

"Yeah, well he is not allowed to drink every last drop of whiskey we got on this boat. Some of us may be thirsty too, you know."

"Mal's gotta a lotta of pent-up stress. He stays dry so long as we're on a mission. He just tends to let himself go after. Plus, comin' back to Shadow ain't never easy for him. Too many memories there. Too many for all of us."

* * *

**Shadow **

Serenity ran. She could hear him behind her breathing heavily, his boots crunching in the snow. Snow. . . It had been falling heavily for almost three hours now and formed a thick blanket on the forest floor. Gorramit he was following her tracks. It wasn't fair! She had been so careful the first few hours to cover them up, but then she had heard him, and the instinct to flee had taken over. She stopped, breathing heavily, hefting her heavy pack so it sat more squarely on her shoulders. Looking around it occurred to her that she was humped big time. If she stayed where she was, he'd find her and it be all over. If she ran, there was no way to cover her tracks in the deep snow, making it only a matter of minutes.

"Serenity, come on kid give it up."

He was close now. She felt her heart thumping as the frozen air cut at her lungs. Fear was the mind killer. Panic had put her in this position, and only calm was going to get her out. She breathed deeply trying to still her thoughts. Over the rasping of her lungs and the sound of her pursuer's fumblings, she could hear the creek. Not the best option considering the freezing temperature, but better than getting caught. Serenity dumped her pack, flinging its contents willy-nilly hoping that he'd stop to investigate. Then she took off towards that blessed sound, running in a zig-zag pattern and then back tracking carefully hoping that between the pack and misleading footprints that she bought herself some precious time.

Lao-tyen boo, the water was cold. She had run over a mile down the creek in the direction she had come from and could not feel her legs anymore. Even if she didn't get caught, Kaylee was gonna kill her for ruining yet another set of boots. Serenity slogged out of the water and up the nearest tree to get her bearings. Yes, she could see the smoke from the ranch and knew she was nearly home. She was gonna make it and finally beat him at his own game. She climbed down the tree slowly, luxuriating in her impending victory. She was so enamored with her triumph that the heavy hand landing on her shoulder caught her totally by surprise.

"Caught you!" River giggled. "Jayne, she's over hear."

Serenity swung around, a pout already forming on her full lips. "River, that ain't fair, you ain't part of this exercise."

"'When troubles come, they come not in single spies but in battalions.'" River replied cryptically. Oh well, the day River started making sense would be the day hell would freeze over.

"I was so close to winnin', why'd you have go and ruin it?"

"Had to." She replied, "The furies have landed and justice must be dealt."

Before Serenity could even start to unravel River latest riddle, Jayne came running up, his face beet red from the hours of exertion. Despite the cold and the slightly skewed faded orange and yellow-striped hat, with its ridiculous puff at the top, Serenity could see that sweat soaked his gray hair. Yep, at least, she had given the old man a good run for his money.

"Dang nab it girl, didn't you hear me callin' for you."

"You didn't think I was gonna fall for that old trick, did ya? I remember the last time you 'called off' the tracking session only to lecture me for two hours on never trusting what the enemy had to say."

"You do what I say, not what I . . . Never mind, Kaylee called me on the com link, yer Pa's home and . . ." Jayne didn't get a chance to finish, Serenity had already started running towards the Ranch.

"Pride goeth before the fall," River called after the girl.

"Hey wait," he called but it was too late, he would have to sprint to catch up with her.

"I'm getting too old for this go se."

"Too old to chase young girls, won't the ladies in town will be sorry to here that," River observed.

Jayne glared in her direction, "Ya gotta dirty mind. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"Yes, and remember I can kill you with it," River reminded him before cackling and running off.

Jayne shook his head, glad that the mule was parked only a short distance away. At least one of them would not have to run back.

**Reynolds' Ranch**

Mal sat comfortably on the old sofa, his bad leg propped up on a well-cushioned stool, sipping hot cider from his favorite mug. It felt good to be home. Across the room Kaylee was still fussing over Josh, admiring how tall he'd grown and checking to make sure that Mal fed him properly while they were out on campaign.

"Where are the rest of troops? I need to know how many we're havin' to supper, you know how Sarah hates surprises."

It again occurred to Mal again that he should marry Kaylee. She was the best woman he knew. She reminded him of his momma, soft but strong. Ran the ranch like she was born to it, keeping them out of the red and even putting a little aside. Even after all the years of the war and havin' to live out here with just River, Jayne, and a few ranch hands for company, Kaylee maintained her sunny disposition. Hell, she even loved the girl. Kaylee had raised her like she were her own. A man couldn't ask for more in a wife.

"I stationed them right outside of town. Think they need to blow off a little steam before they're fit for civilized company."

"And how 'bout you Cap'n, you ready to be civilized?"

He put down his mug and walked over to her, trapping her in a giant bear hug before kissing her softly on the forehead. "Lil' Kaylee, ain't I always good?"

"Tyen shuh duh, Cap'n."

The problem was, he wasn't in love with her, or she with him. For Mal, this wasn't an issue. He had had his fill of that particular emotion. But for Kaylee, love meant something. She still longed for the boy. Mal pushed all thoughts of marriage aside. Why did he need a wife, when he had the best mei-mei in the entire 'verse.

"Pa!" A whirlwind of long curling black hair, bright blue eyes, snow, and mud came hurtling through the door. "Pa, ya here?"

Kaylee felt Mal involuntarily stiffen in her arms. Serenity had changed a lot in the past two years. She was all had been legs and arms, like a foal, the last time he'd seen her. Now she'd grown into a young woman, one who resembled the past too much for her own good.

"Serenity Prudence Reynolds, I know you ain't trackin your muddy boots all over my living room."

"Sorry, a yi." The dressing down had clearly failed to knock any of the shine out of her as she glowed at her father. "I'll clean it up as soon as I welcome the heroes home. Hey ya, Josh." She waved at her play brother who shyly returned the salute, before turning her full attention on Mal. "Hi Pa, I'm so happy you're home. Are you okay? Where ya been? How long you stayin'? Ya bring me anything?"

"Girl," he nodded in acknowledgement as if that one word held the answer to her barrage of questions and enthusiasm. Mal shook himself mentally. They looked so much alike it was creepifin'. Same face, same hair, same build. Only certain features, the eyes and maybe the nose, even suggested the presence of another's genes. Apart from that, he might as well have been looking at a ghost.

Ignoring his distinctively chilly countenance, Serenity ran up and flung her arms around him. "I missed you so much. I prayed every night God would bring you back to us, and he did."

Mal gently pushed her away. No, they were nothing alike. The girl lacked her mother's inherent sense of style and grace. Beyond the physical resemblance, there was nothing of Inara in this little prairie harpy. Mal couldn't help but be glad. He forced a smile and patted her on the back. "Now lets leave god outta of this. He ain't got nothin' to do with it. You bein' good? Helpin' Kaylee on the ranch and such?"

"Yeah, of course," she beamed. "But trainin' with Jayne takes up most of my time these days."

"Training?"

"Yeah, so I can join you and Josh. I've been marching, shooting, fighting, drilling. You gotta watch me with the bow and arrow, I can take down a runnin' squirrel. Jayne says I'm the best tracker he's ever seen."

"Well mei-mei, we'll have to see if you've got what it takes to join the Suicide Squadron," Josh challenged.

"No we ain't," Mal said cutting him off. "Josh, you go join the rest of the company. I'll be there soon."

"But Mal, I just got here. Kaylee said we're having pie with dinner."

"I gave you an order Sergeant!"

"Yes sir." Josh could smell the tension in the air. He hated leaving Serenity to face Mal when he was in one of his moods, but arguing would only make it worse. "Kaylee," he nodded to the woman who helped to raise him. She had gone stock still as if bracing herself for what was coming. "I'll be seeing you soon." He turned to his mei-mei offering her a wan smile of apology, "Kiddo, take care of yourself." He left wishing that he hadn't talked Mal into coming back to Shadow in the first place.

Once the door closed, Mal returned his attention to Serenity. He looked into the eyes of the girl they said was his daughter. "You ain't goin' no where except upstairs to put on proper clothes and then back down here to clean up this rutting mess you made."

"But I'm fifteen now," she whimpered, "That's the legal age to enlist. Josh weren't much older than me when he joined up."

"The Alliance took Josh's ma and pa, he got a right to seek justice," Mal explained in the same blunt staccato he used for giving order.

"They killed my mother, ain't I got the same right?" Serenity shouted back.

"Mal," Kaylee's voice echoed with warning.

Mal tried to repress a sigh, he was tired and his leg was achin' something fierce. He didn't have the patience to deal with her now. "That's a different situation," he tried to reason.

"Why?" Serenity asked.

He could see she was on the brink of tears. When he was younger, softer, the sight of Kaylee almost crying could always make him relent. The girl, with her face all flushed and lips quivering, only served to piss him off. "Because I say it is!" he shouted. "Your place is here on this ranch helpin' your Aunt Kaylee, not runnin' off to some corner of the 'verse, abandoning all your responsibilities."

"No, I understand," Serenity whispered, "that's your job."

He slapped her. The action was so quick it barely registered in his mind. The next thing he knew she was holding the side of her face. Kaylee was by the girl in seconds, her arms wrapped around her narrow shoulders, looking at Mal like he was the monster in the room. "Bao bei, are you okay?"

Serenity nodded, fighting not to cry in front of her father. "Didn't hurt none. I got things ta do," she said gently shaking off Kaylees embrace. She walked toward the door with as much dignity as possible, trying to ignore the searing pain in her cheek, her frozen feet forgotten.

"Girl . . . I . . ." Mal couldn't find the words to make it right, to take back what he had done.

She turned back and looked at Mal with something just short of hatred in her eyes. "It ain't fair. She might have meant nothing to you, but she means something to me." And then the girl was gone.

Feeling low was becoming second nature to Mal. The girl had the smack comin' with her smart mouth and messy ways. Most probably took worse if she really had been trainin' with Jayne. She would definitely get worse if she went to the war. But knowing all those truths did not help Mal feel any less like a bastard.

"I think you better go check on your squad," Kaylee said. All the joy of homecoming had been sucked out of the room, in its place lay the bitterness of reality.

"Kaylee," Mal started, "Neither of us want her at the front. She . . . she's the only thing we've got left."

"Your right Cap'n. Only difference is, I ain't punishin' her for somethin' she never done. We agreed to that along time ago."

"It ain't like that. I didn't mean to hit her, just lost my head is all." He could see that Kaylee had stopped listening to him. All he wanted was to come home and have things the way they used to be for awhile. The girl made that impossible. "I'm a mean old man," he said desperately reaching out for their old rapport.

"Yeah Cap'n, yeah you are."

**

* * *

**

**The Parliament, Londinium**

They had been arguing for three days straight now. Troop number . . . troop rations . . . troop reinforcements . . . troop deployment. She felt like she had all the legions of the Alliance marching through her head. The fine leather of her seat was becoming unbearably hot and the red hangings of the council chamber were beginning to give her a headache. Even the smell of the expensive bees wax used to shine the desks was making her feel sick, not to mention the continuous droning of self-important voices. And then there was the Chancellor.

"What does the Guild have to say?"

Holding him. . . reassuring him. . . . counseling him. She often felt more like his mother than his mistress. No, children were easier to deal with. "My lady," Mai kicked her foot lightly dragging her from her dark reverie. "They're discussing the reclamation of Shadow."

Ambassador Kali snapped to attention. She rose, bowing to the assembled stockholders. "With all due respect to this Council, the Guild will not sanction the mass slaughter of thousands of innocents."

General Wing regarded his most pernicious adversary, why did that woman never shut-up. Sometimes he was convinced she had a personal vendetta against him. She always found a way to pick apart his best proposals. This time he was right. Despite its claims of neutrality, Shadow had become a haven for the Independents. An example had to be made. "With all due respect to the lovely Ambassador, she is perhaps better versed in the arts of passion, than warfare." Snickers followed, echoing throughout the chamber. Wing felt a little better. A whore should know her place.

"Perhaps, General Wing. Though judging by how the war is going I could say the same for you. I'm sorry, how many planets have we lost to the rebel scum?" The Ambassador sneered, happy for once that her face was veiled, as rumbles of mirth and discontent followed in the wake of her statement. "Of course, my sisters tell me you are also wanting in that other department as well." The rumble erupted into open waves of laughter.

Wing shot to his feet, "I serve the Alliance. I will not be insulted by some . . ." The Chancellor cut him off.

"Ambassador Kali, you are only here by the grace of this Council," Chancellor Láng warned. "You will honor it and its member. No matter their short-comings." He added with a slight smile.

Kali gracefully bowed her head to the Chancellor. "My humble apologies, Chancellor. General Wing, as always it is our pleasure to serve you." Returning her attention to the Council, "Gentlemen, the Alliance's interests are the Guild's interests. The General is right, of course. Your dominion is the battlefield and boardroom, ours the boudoir. But much can be learned in bed. For years we have faithfully served you, telling all we knew. There are no better spies in the universe. But, how are we to gather useful information, if men do not . . . come? Few think of passion when grieving for hearth and home. The destruction of Shadow would pauper us all."

Seeing an opportunity to demonstrate his loyalty, Councilor Shan spoke. "Her Excellency may have a point. Detonating terra bombs on Shadow could only inflame the rebel resistance like it did when we destroyed Calliope. Not to mention the risk of creating more Reavers. Perhaps a softer touch is needed. Her Excellency has a plan, I presume."

Gods, but she did hate the way that man groveled for favor. "Councilor Shan is as wise as his great ancestor. We agree with General Wing, Shadow's defiance in harboring the rebels must be punished. But we propose occupation, not annihilation. The rebels will be far less effective knowing we hold their loved ones." Murmurs of approval followed her speech and she knew she had them. She had never been wrong in judging a client, she certainly was not going to fail now. Though seven more hours of debating followed, the vote was 64/36, easily in her favor though not the wide majority for which she had hoped. General Wing was gaining support amongst the great families. Something would have to be done.

Wing left the Council Chamber in a rage.

"Atherton wait." Shan Yu XIV called, stretching his short legs to catch up with the taller man.

"How dare you take that slut's side against me, humiliate me in front of the whole council!" Wing hissed, barely controlling his anger.

"Her side, never, I was trying to save your hide by appeasing the bitch. You must tread carefully my dear boy, the Queen of Whores has a great deal of influence over the Chancellor. You would be wise to stay on her good side."

"The woman has no good side. Why do you think she shrouds herself in all those veils. I hear she's deformed. A former client probably uglied her up to get even for some slight. Too bad he didn't take her tongue in the process."

"She certainly has held the Chancellor for enough years, she must have some charms. I imagine she's so stunning that the Chancellor keeps her veiled out of jealously. And forgive me, but she certainly has wit."

"A harlot's tongue, lisping go se. The only good thing about losing this war is that it will rid us of that fool, his whore, and the God damn company."

"If the Chancellor falls, we all do," Shan protested.

"Perhaps, but not necessarily." Wing had to plan.

**

* * *

**

**Shadow **

Kaylee walked into the small churchyard. Like most teenagers, Serenity had a morbid streak. Of late she had taken to coming here when she needed to think. But today she was nowhere in sight. Kaylee gazed around at the graves. She had been neglecting her friends. Weeds poked out randomly under the blanket of snow. Not that it mattered much, most of the graves were empty. The plaques were for remembrance, to comfort the living. Neither side was terribly good at returning bodies. Most were buried in mass graves on planets even she hadn't visited. Some were lost forever. But never one for idleness, she busied herself setting wrong to right and pulling up the weeds.

Together Forever. . . Judgment Belongs to God Alone . . . Beloved 

Her youth was buried here. Kaylee had always been the youngest. She had been used to people taking care of her. Now they were gone and she had to be the strong one. It was just so gorram hard trying to be strong. Serenity was right about one thing. It wasn't fair, none of it was. She felt the tears come and she was powerless to stop. She knelt down at the last grave set far off in the corner of the yard, separate from the rest. _You and No Other. _Kaylee let her grief and anger wash over her. It felt good to let it go. "I just don't know how to help them anymore. I wish you were here to tell me what to do."

"Hey you." Kaylee felt a hand lightly stroking her hair.

"'Nara." She spun around to see River standing in the snow beside her.

"No, I'm me. Inara's gone, won't be coming back until judgment day," the younger woman said looking at Kaylee as if she was explaining death to a child. The look on Kaylee's face told River that her friend did not understand. Sometimes she didn't even know why she bothered trying to help. Still, Kaylee needed her. Too much burden to carry on her own.

"Hey River," Kaylee forced a smile. "Whatcha' doin' here?"

"Looking for you," River replied practically. "Shouldn't be so sad. Not your fault. 'So full of artless jealousy is guilt, it spills itself in fearing to be spilt.'"

"Oh." Kaylee didn't have time for another one of River's sayings. She had wasted enough time, she needed to find Serenity and make sure she was alright.

"The láng you shou's licking her wounds. Can't understand why Daddy doesn't love her." Kaylee still looked confused. "I wouldn't expect her for dinner," River finished hoping to clarify.

River's uncanny knack for knowing exactly what you were thinking used to unnerve Kaylee. Now she found comfort in it. It was one of the few constants she had left in her life. "Well, I guess I should tell Sarah to only expect the regular crowd for dinner, minus one. I'll have Jayne take the extra food to town for the troops."

"We'll have guests soon enough," River promised her body practically shaking with excitement. "The Goddess is sending us a gift. A golden summer in all its glory to chase winter away."

"Goddess, what are you talkin' about?"

"She's dancing in front of the Sun. Blocking its view." River's eyes became distant as if she could see something in the sky. "Her arms are reaching out for us. One holds a sword. Another a head. Another a heart. So many arms. Her tongue is heavy with all her lies. Wants to cut it out. Wants all this to be over. But she can't stop. Won't stop until her husband lies down at her feet in supplication. Their dance could destroy the universe."

"River, stop it, you're scaring me!"

She snapped out of her trance. "Dinner's almost ready. Sarah will be mad if we're late." River began skipping in the direction of the ranch as if she didn't have a care in the world.

Kaylee shook her head still unnerved by the ramblings of her friend. "Wait for me," she called running after River and leaving the listening ghosts behind.

**

* * *

**

**Villa de Láng, Londonium**

The Ambassador stared into the mirror regarding her enemy. She smoothed an expensive cream on her face and stared some more. Not a line, not a wrinkle, not even a twist in the mouth, no outward sign of the monster within. She could be thirty judging by the reflection. She laughed mirthlessly. Was there a picture somewhere, some totem that bore the marks of all her sins? If there was, she should have it burnt just to get a glimpse at the truth. Then again, she didn't know what the truth was anymore.

She toyed with the bracelet on the dressing table, filigree platinum set with rubies. On earth-that-was, rubies were the mark of a virtuous woman. For all his faults, she had to admire the Chancellor's sense of irony. It was fine gift, by any standards. She heard that out on the rim, such a trinket could feed an entire family for a year or two. A dozen autumn roses had accompanied it, along with a note from the Chancellor: "For my Princess, a gift befitting her station." Trash! The last thing she needed was more jewelry, besides she had nowhere to wear it.

"My Lady." She really would have to speak to Mai about knocking before she entered. It was the little breaks in etiquette that could ruin a companion's career. Of course, with her long red hair, violet colored eyes, and face like a china doll, the girl had enough beauty to make even the most exacting client forgive a few minor faux pas.

"Yes, what is it?"

"The Guild has sent the dossiers you requested." The young companion prattled on, "The Academy gave us a hard time, but when they heard it was for you, they were more than happy to oblige. Where shall I leave them?"

"The bed is fine. Has the Chancellor asked for me?"

"No, he's dining at House Hetaira with a few friends this evening."

"Oh." Had he tired of her already? Was he punishing her for insulting Wing this afternoon? Private entertainments were one thing, but openly visiting a House. It was an insult, worse a threat. If she lost him, she stood to loose everything. Oh Gods, not now, she silently prayed. Not when she was so close.

"Shall I comb your hair? Or I could draw you a cool bath, it is devilishly hot for the season. Or I could. . ."

"I'm fine," Kali pushed her fears about the Chancellor aside. Worries caused wrinkles and she couldn't afford any of those. As it was, she was too drained to deal with her protégé at the moment. Mai had the most annoying habit of interrupting her while she was trying to brood in peace. She added that item to her list of issues to discuss with her at a later time. Another was knowing when to go. Though Kali's demeanor and tone indicated that the girl was clearly dismissed, she remained in the room, twisting her hand in a most unbecoming fashion. Kali sighed, was she ever so young and anxious. It seemed like a thousand year ago. "Mai, you have leave to speak your mind."

"Thank you my Lady. It's only that . . . well . . . I hate the idea of you meeting with those people. I hear they are readers or worse. It could endanger the entire mission. Please, let me interview the candidates."

"And I am easier to read than you are?" The Ambassador asked quirking an elegant eyebrow. "No, this is my duty." She rose and approached the closest thing to a friend she had in this god forsaken 'verse. "You are precious to me, Mai. I will not have you risking yourself. Now go, I have work to do. Make sure this week's dispatches reach our friends."

"Yes, my lady," Mai murmured as she left. Kali looked towards the stack of papers waiting on her lavish bed. Time enough for those later. Instead, she knelt down by an old lavenderwood trunk on her floor. She removed its lid and contents of precious silk and jewels, carelessly tossing them aside. Once empty, she pressed lightly on a particular point. The false bottom slid way, revealing an old volume, a small velvet pouch, and thin folio. She caressed the folder's precious parchment dreamily. Yes, there would be time enough for work and worries later.

**

* * *

Reynolds' Ranch**

Mal drunkenly dug through his bag looking for his pain medication, his gorram leg was actin' up again. Seemed like the whiskey had stopped helping to dull the pain and now just made him all tetchy and clumsy like. Damn girl had a mouth on her, knew just how to push his buttons. One day soon he'd tell her the truth and that would shut. . .

"Fuck!"

He pulled his bloodied hand out of the bag, holding the rock that had scraped his knuckles. It was a stone he found on Whitefall. Perfectly round, almost smooth, except for the part that had mangled his hand. He'd brought it back for her. He always brought her back rocks from his campaigns. She had them lined up her room, with little cards by them denoting the planet, date, campaign, properties, and name in English, Mandarin, and Latin just to show off. Not like she knew what any of it meant. Kaylee wrote to him proudly about how the girl would look up all the information about the rocks on the cortex. Girl was a born showoff, couldn't help rubbin' it in his face that she was better than him, just like her. . . No he wasn't gonna go there, it was too soon and he was already in a foul mood to begin with.

So he looked at the rock. Wuh de tyen ah, the women in his life had some strange taste. Engine parts made Kaylee go all gooey, though only god knew when the last time was she had her hands on anything more complex than a generator. Sarah was pleased with anything she could roast up. And River, even at her age, got a big thrill outta somethin' as simple as crayons and paper. She crept her way back into his thoughts.

'Nara, well hell he'd nearly run himself into the poor house tryin' to buy that woman all manner of precious. She'd always smile and tell him he shouldn't have. Made him feel cheap every time. Like he was one of them ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng she ran with, havin' to buy her "favors." Felt that way until one day on Persephone he was walkin' by a vendor harking old books. Just picked out one randomly, he knew she liked languages and this one sure as hell weren't in anything he understood. Wiped all the dust off and gave it to her as proud as you please. She carefully leafed through the pages, scanning the contents and her eyes went wide.

"Mal do you know what it this is?"

"It ain't a manual is it, cause that gorram book vendor swore to me it was somethin' a lady would like."

"This, my brilliant captain is an early twenty-third century edition of _Manon Lescaut."_

"Man on Lay who?"

She laughed and rolled her eyes at him, a charming yet childish habit she'd picked up from spending too much time minding River. "_Manon Lescaut,_" she declared with what he assumed to be a perfect accent, "is a novel about a woman whose lover tries to save her from her wicked ways. She dies impoverished in the desert at the end."

"Oh. . . well I can take it back or maybe we'll just sell it to one of your fancy clients, seein' how its old and stuff."

She laughed again (after all these years he still remembered her laughter sounding like music). She stood and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him gently. "You will do no such thing. Manon dies happy in her lover's arms, knowing she has everything she ever wanted. This, is the most beautiful present I've ever received. I love it."

Whore that she was, she showed him her "love" in all sorts of ways. After that he always brought her books in fancy languages. Turned out to be a more expensive habit than all the silk and jewels he tried before. Every time afterwards, she'd "love" him. First thing he did when he got back from Sihnon was burn all them xi niao books.

Now the girl, well least she was cheaper than her mother. No spendin' nearly two months of hard work on somethin' so fragile Inara wouldn't touch it without gloves. The girl liked rocks. Simon was always was on his back 'bout sendin' her to some fancy school so she could learn more about them. Used to go on about how she could become a geologist or sometin'. Mal didn't know anyone who advanced schoolin' didn't make crazy or rotten or dead. No, the girl weren't goin' to no gorram school or war if he had anything to say about it.

He wondered where the obsession had come from.

He remembered comin' back from runnin' guns. 'Nara was still as mad as hell with him and he figured he'd be sleepin' in the spare room if he didn't play his home comin' exactly right. He had a trunk filled with toys downstairs for the girl and an arm filled with spring flowers for her mother. He snuck upstairs and found them in the bedroom. For a while, he just stood in the door and watched the two most beautiful creatures he'd ever seen. Inara was sitting with her back to the door holding up all manner of shiny, diamonds he supposed, just outta the girl's reach.

"Gimme, momma, gimme," the girl cried.

"You know you shouldn't let her play with those." Two dark heads turned towards him and then the smaller one launched off of the bed running towards him.

"Papa's home! Papa's home!"

He had to drop the flowers to catch her as she leapt at him. "How's my baby? You been good? Studying hard with Simon?"

"Yes, Papa. I read a whole book yesterday, all on my own! Well. . . Shyman helped a little."

"Well ain't that just shiny. After supper tonight you'll have to read to me, little princess." He looked at Inara, "And how fairs the queen of this fine castle?"

Inara rose gracefully from the bed and walked over to them. "I wish you wouldn't call her that," she hissed placing a cold, dutiful peck on his cheek.

"But that's what she is," he responded beaming at his girl. "But, it don't help that you letter play with your jewelry. She might break it, and we may be needin' it someday."

"They're just rocks, Mal," she said lifting his baby girl gently from his arms and placing her on the floor. She knelt down regarding the child with all the love and affection she denied him of late, "You are the only jewel I need, Serenity. Everything else is just rocks. Your Papa's like a rock. He's hard and cold and would sooner shatter than bend."

"'Nara," he pleaded.

She looked at him and the frost began to melt from her eyes. "But he's also strong and steadfast," she returned her gaze to their daughter's face. "He's like those stones we found in the gorge the other day. All rough and ugly on the surface, but on the inside, well, just about the most beautiful thing you could ever see. The years will change us all, my baby, that's the nature of the 'verse. But your Papa will remain the same. You remember that. No matter what, he will always be here for us."

She stood then, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. There was an unwanted love in her eyes. "I'm glad that you're home safely."

He took that hand in his own, kissing its palm, and then pulled her into an embrace. "I'll always come back for you," he promised hoarsely, a wry smile curving his lips, "No power in the 'verse could stop me."

"You better, I wouldn't want to lie to our daughter," Inara said smiling sadly up into his face.

Mal laughed harsh and bitter. Lies. Bitch's tongue might have well as been forked for all the truth he ever heard roll off of it. The pain brought him out of his memories. He was holding that damn rock so hard that the scrapes on his knuckles had split and the blood was runnin' down his fingers. He hurled the rock against the wall, watching it break with mute satisfaction. He shoved his hand back into the duffel not caring that his things got smeared with blood. Wouldn't be the first time, sure as hell wouldn't be the last. He found the pills and swallowed them down with a mouth full of whiskey. It was only then that he looked at the rock. Rather than being destroyed, it had cracked open to reveal its jeweled interior. He laughed again. Hell, it weren't ruined. He could give it to the girl tomorrow. Bet she'd be as pleased as punch and forget all about him slappin' her. Yep, that was just what he was gonna do.

In the house, no one stirred. Loud cussin'. Drunken laughter. Things breakin'. Muted weepin'. Yep, Pa was home.

To be continued . . .

Glossary

Kwin-gwe-je deh- Aw, nuts!; tah mah de- fucking; Lao-tyen boo- Oh, Lord; Tyen shuh duh- God knows what; Mei-mei- little sister, term of endearment; a yi- auntie; go se- shit; láng you shou's- wolf cub; Wuh de tyen ah- Dear God in Heaven; ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng- frog riding bastards; xi niao- piss soaked

I find spelling and grammar a mite problematic. Considering my problems with English, I wouldn't expect too much from the Chinese. Please comment! This is my first series/substantial work, as oppose to the quasi-poetical musings I've posted before. All comments are welcome and will be taken seriously.


	3. Part III: Book of Games

The usual disclaimers. This is a work of fanfic, not intended to entrench on any parties registered copyright interests. With apologies to Joss Whedon, Sei Shonagon, Lord Byron, Machiavelli, and all other sources whose brilliance inspired this work. Thanks to Oldfan45 for his detailed editing work (he's a god) and Mai who remains my constant source of support (she's my muse).

22. When I Make Myself Imagine

When I make myself imagine what it is like to be one of those women who live at home, faithfully serving their husbands – women who have not a single exciting prospect in life yet who believe that they are perfectly happy – I am filled with scorn.

– The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon

I was one of those women. At least, it was my fate allotted by birth to make a brilliant marriage, bring honor to my family: Marriage to a stranger I barely knew, who would use my body and then seek solace in the arms of another, mourning the empty nature of his life. I was supposed to produce strong solider-sons to serve the Alliance and dutiful daughters to breed for them, generation upon generation of sleepwalkers performing the same dance. My fate changed because he loved me.

Clichés become so, because they are true. Love is strongest power in the 'verse. When you live with that kind of strength, you get tied to it. You can't break away and you never want to. Even when it's wrong. Even when it makes you hate yourself.

Now, I am drowning again. The waters are closing in fast, pulling me down. "Freedom" suffocates me. I cannot breathe for wanting to belong. My only choice is to run. Nandie freed me once. She is gone now. I will not squander her gift.

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Part III: The Book of Games**

**Shadow**

"_She walks in beauty, like the night  
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;  
And all that's best of dark and bright  
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:  
Thus mellow'd to that tender light  
Which heaven to gaudy day denies."_

"Hey, cut that out! Damn caterwaulin' scarin' the fish away," Jayne snarled with his cigar firmly clenched in his teeth.

"Sorry," Serenity muttered.

"What was that anyway?"

"Brian or somethin' like that. I don't know, Simon taught it to me."

"Well if yer gonna sing, sing something catchy, not somethin' that makes you sound like you been eatin' Kaylee's cookin'."

"Gonna tell Kaylee you said that," she teased.

"No you ain't." That was all Jayne needed, Kaylee on his back given him another speech about dealin' with the kid. "Not if you want me to take ya fishin' again."

"C'mon Jayne, I wouldn't rat you out," she promised, giving him a sharp right jab in the arm. Girl had some good fists. Jayne rubbed his arm, hoped she'd never have to really use them rocks serious. "Won't rat you out if you let me have a puff of your ceegar," Serenity wheedled.

"Hell no!"

"I was just kiddin'," she promised earnestly. "Sides, narkin' ain't what good soldiers do," she said with a certainty that belied her experience. Jayne didn't have the heart to laugh at the kid's innocence.

Serenity liked hanging out with Jayne. He was the only person on the ranch who didn't treat her like a dumb kid. Talked to her straight and plain. None of that 'when you're older' or 'ask your father' or 'young ladies don't blah, blah, blah,' that Kaylee was always feedin' her. None of the crazy riddles River tortured her with. Best of all, he was the only person who didn't look at her like she was someone else. In fact, the only thing Serenity liked more than wastin' time with Jayne, was egging him on.

"_Our love for him ain't hard to explain,_

_The hero of Canton, a man they call . . ."_

"Cut it out!" He snapped, really nettled this time.

"Jaaaaayne . . . catchy ain't it?" A sly smile stole across her lips.

"I said quit it, or so help me I'll turn this boat around and head for shore!" Jayne threatened.

"Okay, okay. Ain't call no for getting all tetchy. I swear sometimes ya sound just like Pa."

"Do not! I ain't go no stick stuck up my . . . well like yer Pa." Serenity laughed and went back to fishing, humming _The Hero of Canton _lightly to herself just to annoy him. Brat! For all her yammerin' and singin' off key, Jayne liked being with the kid. She was the only person on the gorram planet who ever gave him any respect. Looked up to him, treated him like he was some kind of ruttin' hero.

Mal's visits had always been hard on the kid. This time Jayne had found her in the hills, half frozen from sleepin' outside without a thermabag trying to avoid her pa. Brought her home, where it took Kaylee the better part of an hour to thaw her out. Woman didn't even have the heart to chew the kid out over yet another pair of ruined boots. Serenity spent the rest of the week hiding in Jayne's cabin, not even coming out for meals. He had to bring her food just to make sure she ate right. Now it was nearly two weeks and she was still mopin' around like a beaten dog. Damn Mal! Jayne didn't see what the man's problem was. 'Cept for being a girl, Serenity was near perfect as far as he could tell. She could fight, cuss, track, and shoot with the best of them. _Hell,_ Jayne thought, _I'd be proud if she were my critter._

"Jayne," Serenity began pensively.

"What?" Not that he would ever tell her that. That might just make her gorram head to big to fit through the door.

"What are we doin'?"

"It's called fishin'. Ya see, you put the worm on the hook. Then you put the hook in the water, now the trick is . . ."

"That ain't what I'm talking about. I mean, the war? Why's pa and all of them fightin' the Alliance again?"

"You heard Mal before, they're . . . we're fightin' for freedom."

"I know and if I hear one more speech about the evils of the Alliance I might puke. I mean how'd all this get started."

Jayne took a good swig outta his flask. He couldn't believe no one had ever explained this to the kid before. _Guess we all lived with the war for so long we just plain forgot she was a young'un when it began_. "Here take a swig of this," he said handing her the flask. She was gonna need it if she was to get a history lesson. "It all started 'bout ten years ago on Leda, a moon off Europa."

**

* * *

House Hetaira, Londonium**

A tight silk cord around her upper arm, she pumped back and forth waiting impatiently for the vein to appear. _If this keeps up, _thought Kali, _I'll be using the spaces between my toes like a common burnout. That would never do. _Ah, there it was, all plump and aching. She pressed the needle into her arm and pushed the plunger down, instantly feeling the serum coursing thick and hot through her system. Pax was the most divine of narcotics. It heightened the senses, granting the user crystal clear sensation while maintaining total control over one's physical and emotional responses. It was the drug of choice amongst companions and had ruined not a few careers. Kali told herself that she was not an addict, just a strategic user. _I only use for council meetings, times when the Chancellor might be a bit too ardent in his affections, and for special occasions like this one. _

"Send him in."

The doors opened as she straightened her veil and sleeves. A young Adonis swaggered towards her. He was beautiful. In another life he would have enjoyed enormous success in her profession. His gray uniform accentuated his muscular, but not bulky, six foot-plus body. He could have been a swimmer or dancer in his past. The mop of blond hair, flopping in his eyes made the pleasing package complete. _A shame, the eyes are his most captivating feature, such a deep shade of blue._ It didn't escape her notice that they were touched with just a hint of pain that contradicted the sardonic lips-only smile. But then, she always had a weakness for sad blue eyes. Kali would have considered with the idea of using . . . other forms of influence over the creature just a few years ago. . . _Alas_. The proverb holds, 'since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.' What's more she had gone to such trouble and expense to arrange a different mode of persuasion.

He plopped down uninvited in the chair facing her, looking around, taking care to seem vaguely bored with his surroundings. She inclined her head fractionally. It was really his place to pay her respect first, but she saw awed deference was obviously was not the game he was playing and she did enjoy fencing with another master. "Lieutenant Summers," she said in a carefully wrought tone, a mixture of lust, fear, and power.

"Ambassador Kali," he returned the greeting, perfectly mimicking the cadence of her voice. _Dangerous to play a trained player of the game. . ._

"May I offer you some tea?"

"No thank you," he said, his perfectly poised body exuding sensuality. "And there's no need to stand upon ceremony or use your famed wiles. It would be my pleasure to serve you, in any capacity you may desire."

_How trite, _she thought, _false seduction. _She had been hoping for something slightly more creative from a product of the infamous Academy. Kali laughed, he was far too bold and sure of himself. He exuded the overconfidence of the young, the easily manipulated, the barely trained. "Thank you Lieutenant, you may go," she said, the amusement she felt showing in her voice and posture, dismissing him.

He didn't move, only deeply inhaled, savoring her scent. "You smell of lavender and loss and . . . something I can't quite place. Love? Peace, perhaps?" He waived his hand as if to discard the ideas as ludicrous. "It's an intoxicating combination," he said, his voice thick with carnality as he watched her through hooded eyes. "What are you hiding? What do you yearn for, Excellency?"

"This is a dangerous game you're playing, xiong shu," she stated, all amusement gone.

"The very best games are." He leaned in closer as if to whisper. "What else would we play in a whorehouse?" He watched for her reaction, noting with interest that she exhibited none. _Cold as snow. Maybe she deserves her reputation._ He couldn't get a proper read on her, just snippets of images that bled from her pores. Fascinating as she was frustrating, Summers wanted more and knew he would have to push to get it. "Why don't you tell me why you called me here?" He finished in a business like manner.

Kali opened the thick file sitting on the desk before her pretending to study it, though she had already memorized its contents. "You graduated first in your class from the Academy."

"Yes." He leaned back in his chair, draping his leg carelessly over its arm.

"You have received extensive medical training."

"All the better to kill for you, my dear."

"You excelled in intelligence gathering and reconnaissance, amongst other more unsavory pursuits."

"Yes." He shifted his leg slightly, drawing attention to his thigh muscles.

"You were sent on several missions while you were in training. The first was to Boros where you assassinated . . ."

"Bored now," he said cutting her off. "Let's talk about you. Did you like it when he hurt you? Did it make you feel alive?"

"Lieutenant."

"Very well, we'll start with easier questions: Your first time, did he rape you? Or did you welcome him to inside?" His expression changed slightly, almost taking on the semblance of sympathy. "You were such a lonely little girl, so anxious to be loved. So willing to do anything to keep it."

She skipped ahead in the lists of questions. _He's fishing, dropping lewd suggestion waiting to see which stings. Or he could be more talented than the others._ Either way she did not want to risk her mission to find out. "So much success. Why did you run away from the Academy?"

"I didn't like the way they played. A bit too rough, even for my taste," he said, never so much as twitching. "But you like it rough, don't you? You love it when they call you a whore?" He asserted trying to take control. Beneath her veils, Kali smiled sure of her victory.

"Why did you come back?" She allowed her voice to relax into warmth and empathy.

"The 'Professors' took my family. I returned as soon as I found out. That didn't keep them from torturing my father until he gladly took his own life," Summers responded in the same casual fashion, shifting again to draw her attention back to his thighs. "Why were you always running away, when you so desperately want to stay?"

"And how did that make you feel?"

"All mixed up. It's very crowded in there. Can you even tell the difference between them?"

"Watching your father kill himself. Knowing that it was your fault! How did . . . does . . . that make you feel?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "Huai dan sent me there. Some people deserve to die."

"True enough," Kali nodded in agreement. "And the rest of your family?"

"I killed them. Love means that someone else can always control you. But you already know about those kinds of . . . complications, don't you Excellency." He was studiedly casual now, but his thighs stopped their too-obvious flexing.

A small vid console, displaying the interior of a ship, rose up from the desk at Kali's barely perceptible touch. An older woman with a teenage boy appeared on the screen. "Funny, they look very much alive to me."

Only a slight tremor along his jaw line betrayed any emotion. The delighted expression that spread across his face sent shivers down her back the Pax barely concealed. "And I heard you didn't play in innocent blood."

"Bi yi shi ci yi shi."

"So it is. What do I have to do to get them back?"

She had all the information she needed. He was perfect. "Can you use the term 'ain't' properly in a sentence?"

Summers actually looked confused. "Excuse me?"

In spite of herself, Kali gloated. It felt good to finally score a hit. "There is a small situation on Shadow I need seen to." Her musical laughter only served to increase Summer's confusion.

**

* * *

The Eumenide, One Day Outside of Persephone**

A detailed map of Persephone and its Alliances strongholds sent to him by Parvati was spread across the table. Back in the day they had had some good times there. 'Cept for the fact that it was filled with people lookin' to kill or stiff 'em (not that there weren't many places in the 'verse that didn't meet that criteria), the planet had almost been like a second home. Now he was flying there to blow up a munitions plant. _My, how times change when you're not lookin'_.

"Okay, I'd like things to go smooth, for once, so lets go over this one again," Mal announced to his assembled crew.

"Josh, you, Chandara, and Walt are comin' with me. Gonna be goin' in at night, between shifts. Should keep the collateral damage down. We got them charges all set and ready to go?"

It was good have the old Mal back. Nothin' lifted the commander's spirits like the promise of imminent violence directed at the Alliance. "Yes sir. Gonna blow that plant straight to hell," Josh said. Mal had been dry since the moment they left Shadow. It was sad. Family should bring out the best in a man. But Mal only seemed to really be himself here, faraway from home, in space.

"Just levelin' it will do for now, boy. Shih, you're stayin' with the ship. Use just enough power to keep her in orbit. I don't want us poppin' up on any of the Alliances scanners."

"But sir, I was looking forward to shooting some purple bellies," Ching Shih whined.

"It's good to want things. Right now I need you here on the boat ready to get us the hell outta dodge, dong ma?" Shih gave him a sharp salute. Satisfied, Mal returned to the business at hand. "Juanita, I want you prepped in the infirmary. Ain't plannin' on anyone getting' hurt this time around, all the same I want you ready to go."

"Si mi capitania," Juanita saluted, delivering her best impersonation of a Spanish pirate.

"And I told you not to call me that," Mal snapped.

"A sense of humor is the mark of a great man."

"Yeah well, I ain't great cause I ain't got one. Sue Ellen, you, Said and Baby Ray Ray are taken down the power plant. I want that whole gorram city blacked out. Think you can handle that?"

Sue Ellen sidled up, draping her arm meaningfully over Josh. "I was hopin' for a different assignment. But I never met a machine I didn't like."

"Tell us something we don't. The buzzing sounds from your room keep me up all night," Ching Shih grumbled.

"I could show you how to use one, maybe then you wouldn't be such an uptight mai yuan." Sue Ellen replied with a derisive sweetness.

"That's quaht all raht, darlin'," Ching Shih condescended mocking her rival's accent. "I don't want anything that's been up your yin hu. I haven't had my immunization shots this month." Stung at last, Sue Ellen opened her mouth to deliver a cutting retort.

"Ladies, ladies," Mal said interrupting their squabble. "I'm sure you've given the boys here a lot to think about in their bunks tonight. Can we please get back to plannin' a little anarchy!"

"Sorry sir," they mumbled in unison, still glaring at each other. Mal sighed.

"People this is the closest to the Core we been for a while now. There's no need to get all uppity or sloppy. Just get in, do the job, get out and keep flyin'. Got me?"

"Yes sir," came a chorus of over eager voices. Like before, there were nine of them altogether. His crew was young, dumb and full of cum . . . well at least the boys were, Mal pondered; the girls seemed to be holding their own in this round of the battle between the sexes. He prided himself on being able to keep them alive. _I'll do whatever it takes to keep them that way._

"Alright. We got big day tomorrow filled with all sorts of crime and wrong doin', so I want you all to turn in early. No playin' with machines, or each other for that matter. Dismissed!"

They all started to walk off to various parts of the ship. He noted that Sue Ellen was following Josh to the cargo bay rather than headin' to the engine room where she belonged. He also noticed that Ching Shih looked ready to kill. "Shih, I need to talk to you."

She stomped back in his direction, obviously not pleased with the lecture she figured she was about to receive. "What?"

"Now missy, you always been my kind of stupid. That's why I took you on in the first place. But this boats small enough, it ain't got no room for your attitude. You'll keep a civil tongue in that mouth or, so help me, I will sow it shut."

"It isn't attitude, Commander. I'm the best damn shot on this rutting boat, but you're always leaving me on board when action could happen."

"Shih, I know you love killin' Alliance more than anything else in this 'verse, but you're also the only one who can fly this hunk o' junk proper. Makes you a might precious."

"I guess you have a point, Sir," she relented reluctantly.

"Usually do. So no more smart lip and no more barkin' at Sue Ellen."

That just pissed Ching Shih off, why was she the one always getting the speeches. "But she's the one running around this boat like a cat in heat. Not a week ago she was shacking up with Chandara, now she's chasin' after Josh."

"I wouldn't worry about that. Josh has already had one bad case of crotch burn. Don't think he's lookin' for another. 'Sides, I would me more worried about Walt, if I was you."

"Walt's to in to his bible to be sly."

"Really. Last time I check, not even God put a dent next to Walt's pillow."

Shih smiled at the though of holy than thou Walter having a remotely sexual idea. "I'll be on the bridge if you need me, Commander."

"That's alright, I'll take the first watch. Why don't you go tell Josh how you feel."

Shih laughed. "I don't feel anything, Sir. That's what so special about being me. Anyway, on my planet we had something called taste."

Mal shook his head watching his pilot walk away. Shih reminded him of himself, too hurt and hard for her own good. _Hope she gets better luck, her and Josh would make a descent pair, if they ever stop torturing each other._ Not that he approved of shipboard romances, made things too complicated. Hadn't changed his mind 'bout that. But he knew from experience that lovesick pilots often screwed up the navigation. It was simply a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils.

Mal headed up to the bridge. He sat comfortably in the pilot's seat and gazed out into his beloved black. _Yep, tomorrow was gonna be a big day,_ he thought yawning. _After this, best take my own advice and get a little shuteye too._

**

* * *

House Hetaira, Londonium**

"We understand each other then?" Kali asked any trace of humor gone.

"Perfectly."

"Gao chao," she said tossing him a heavy silk purse filled with platinum. "You belong to me now. So much as a word to the Academy, the Chancellor, or anyone for that matter, and your family will learn that the Blue Gloves were merciful."

"Naturally." He rose to leave. "And you will release my family unharmed, once I accomplish my mission."

"Blood for blood, that is our deal. My agent will contact you with further instructions. You leave tomorrow."

He flourished an extravagant bow. "I am you most obedient servant, your Excellency." He walked away whistling a folksy tune plucked from the Ambassador's mind. _A rare and graceful businesswoman_. _I'll so deeply regret slitting her fragrant throat when the time comes. _Well, maybe not deeply. Nobody threatened what was his.

"Oh, and Summers, one last thing."

"Yes?"

"Don't play the girl . . . in any way."

Never breaking stride, a dazzling smile spread across his lips. "Don't you worry ma'am. I ain't gonna toy your xiao bao," he called in a halfway decent twang leaving the room.

He was a dangerous little sociopath and Kali hated that she was desperate enough to use him. She stared the images on the vid screen, wondering how many she would have to destroy before all this was over. "He's good, but I'm better. I can control him. He can be controlled," she prayed softly.

Mai returned in the creature's wake. The girl shivered, her training making her attuned to all that had passed in the room. "He frightens me, Lady."

Kali lifted her heavy veil so she could rub the crust of his filth from her face. "The die has been caste, all we can do now is play the moves we have left."

"But he is a monster."

Kali shook her head, "Unlike the other candidates, he still bears traces of humanity. We can use that to govern him."

"Shall I dismiss the others then?"

"No. Give them the run of the house. I'll pay for any companions that will have them."

Unused to seeing random displays of kindness from her mistress, Mai cautiously stated, "That's generous."

"One's last night on should always be filled with pleasure. Don't you think?"

"My Lady . . ."

Kali saw her ward's distress and was momentarily moved to pity. There had been a time long ago when she had balked at the thought of killing, even placed her own life at risk to stop it. She could have the other candidates wiped and dump them on some outer planet, but the risk was too great. There was no telling what the Academy conditioning had done to their minds. "I've spoken to them. They may know too much." She reasoned with herself as much as Mai. "They are assassins. They live for nothing. They have no anchor, no code. They would turn on us for any scraps the Academy, or anyone else, might throw." Her companion still looked sick at the sight of her cruelty. "Mai," she cajoled, "their souls died a long time ago. Killing the body is a mercy."

The less experienced woman bowed in uncertain acknowledgement of her mentor's power over life and death and the seeming ease with which she exercised it. _Best just to let it go._ "The Chancellor waived a short while ago. He wants you back at the villa."

"Then I must go to him."

"What about the serum?"

"He won't be able to tell. Like most men, the Chancellor is only interested in his own pleasure," Kali declared dismissively. "Besides, the more control I have, the easier these little amusements are."

**

* * *

Shadow **

Serenity's head was spinning. She couldn't tell if it was from spendin' too much time on the lake in that tiny row boat, the rotgut she and Jayne had been swilling for the past hour, or the overload of information.

"So whatcha sayin' is that we killin' each other over," she broke to take another drink, "geese?"

"Well . . . goslings actually." The notion even sounded stupid to Jayne, which was sayin' somethin'. He'd never seen much purpose in killin' over causes. Now profit or fun, that was different story altogether. Ideals he left to Mal and the other pretentious bing quan of the Independence.

"But why?" Serenity asked still struggling to understand. She had been raised to hate the Alliance and all it stood for. But now, after hearin' Jayne's story, she was starting to hate the Independence. Bad enough that her mother had died in its service and that it had stolen her father, now it threatened her a ge, Josh. She couldn't stand the thought of them dyin' to protect some ben dan's tomfoolery.

"People always fight over all kinds of ruttin' foolishness," he tried to explain, not really understanding himself. "Hell, I hear tell that on Earth-that-was a whole war started over tea and stamps. Had a couple that started over their version of fuel cells." The look on her face told him, she wasn't sure of the truthsomeness of his story. "You can only push people so far. The Alliance and their governor near worked them people to death in the mines. Juggling goslings was the only form of joy they had. When the governor banned that, well I guess that blew the compression coil that busted the engine. They rioted. Must been somethin' to see . . . they dragged that huai dan outta his big house on the hill and strung him up. The Alliance didn't try ta negotiate or punish them that did the lynchin'. They just pulled their people out and terra bombed ever' inch of Leda back into the stone-age."

"I don't get it. If all this started on Leda, the Alliance destroyed it; then why we still fightin'?"

"Gov'ment destroyed Leda ta scare people inta obedience. Gorram gov'ment fools didn't figger on a rebellion. Leda were made up a mainly poor miners, but there were plenty of bougies too. Suddenly some o'the rich folk realized what the poor always knew, that their lives didn't mean shit and that the Alliance would snuff 'em out 'less it weren't convenient. People got all tetchy-like and things just go worse 'n' worse from there.

"Shepherds preached against the purplebellies. All kindsa folk protested in the streets. Everyone and their grandma started runnin' guns. Most did it for the money, cause let me tell you there was money to be made. Do gooders, like your pa, started doin' it for free, so people could protect themselves." Jayne shook his head, still perplexed over Mall all these years later.

Serenity hung on Jayne's every word. This was the first time anyone had spoken to her about this. She took another swig from the flask, not noticing the burn of the liquor as she waited for him to continue.

"Well, what can ya expect with everyone runnin' around scared'a their shadows packin' more explosives than brains. They started blowin' shit up, bitty little body bits flyin' every which-a-way. The more the Feds cracked down the more the border planets revolted. Torture, camps, wipin' out entire towns, nothin' seemed ta work. See, dumb-ass purple bellies blew their wad too early in blowin' up Leda, had nothin' left to threaten people with. Weren't but a few years later had us a full scale war on our hands. Nothin' off limits now. Both sides're willin' to do they gotta do, winner take all- if there ever is one." He lifted the flask from the kid's limp grasp and took another mighty swig. Then he held it up in mock salute, "Here's to the Second War for Independence and the poor fang pi fightin' it, may they rot in peace."

"What happens if they come to Shadow?" Serenity asked quietly. She looked scared. She had that look Kaylee used ta get right before she let loose with the water works. _Gorramit! Organized this little fishin' trip to cheer her up an' now we not only caught no ta da me fish, but she's frighten half ta death._

"Ah, Nitty, purplebellies ain't comin' ta Shadow. Ain't nothin' here worth takin' or fightin' for. 'Sides, they ever do come, you, me, and Vera'll make 'em sorry they ever set foot here."

She nodded and sat on her end of the boat quietly. Jayne couldn't think of anything to say, so he picked up the oars and began to row. They were all the way back at the shore before the kid even noticed. "Where we goin'? Kaylee and Sarah'll be mighty feng if we don't bring back dinner."

Jayne grunted, _Kaylee's gonna her panties in a twist over more than fish before this night is done._ "Nitty, you ain't a kid no more. And trust me, bein' all grown up sucks somtin' fierce. But it does bring certain pleasures. 'Bout time you gotta taste of 'em."

**

* * *

Serenity **

It had snowed. River danced across Serenity's cargo hold. So happy to be home. She would get Kaylee and Simon, together with the children, they would make angles in the snow covered the decks. _No, not snow. Not cold. Too light and powdery._ Rose up in clouds when she kicked her legs. Left a fine residue on her bare feet. Made her cough, got stuck in her panting lungs.

"Ash," she cried in recognition, clapping her hands. Had to tell Simon. He'd be so proud. They tried to trick her by making it all white and fluffy. Stacking it up so high. Had to let him know they couldn't trick her. She knew what was real.

"Please tell me we dumped all the gorram cargo on Calliope," Mal said running down the steps, Wash and Zoe following close behind.

"Look Captain! It's ash," River crowed cupping a large pile in her hands for him to inspect.

"Not so much as a stick left on the boat, Sir." Zoe answered.

They weren't listening. They never listened. "We got plenty of dust. You really have to get Jayne to clean up more," River admonished.

"Why do you think they're boarding us, Mal?" Wash asked.

"We can't have guests. This place is a mess." Why was she the only one who could see that?

"Most probably just a routine check. Alliance been mighty anxious since the revolt started. Everybody just stay cool and we'll be fine. Now raise your hands up high. Last thing we want is trouble."

The air lock snapped into place. The cargo bay door opened, a score of purple bellies marched on board Serenity followed by their commander. River was more annoyed than frightened. _Didn't their mothers ever teach them that it was polite to knock?_

"Captain Malcolm Reynolds, I presume." He was tall, dark, and handsome with his olive complexion and large brown eyes. There was something vaguely familiar about him.

Mal shook his head looking genuinely confused. "No Sir. Pete, Pete Townsend. This here is my wife Ann Margaret and my brother Tommy." _Is the Captain trying to hide me?_ Maybe she should go and play outside like before. _Where is Simon?_ She wanted Simon.

"Is there anyone else on board?" The leader asked in his deep melodic voice.

"No Sir." Mal lied. She was right here. Zoe and Wash were as quiet as the grave. No one seemed to notice she was there, so River decided to let it go. "We was just on our way to Santo to pick up our mail and a few supplies. There a problem?"

"Check the ship." Half of the invaders went marching deeper into the boat. "I assume you have papers to prove all this?"

"Sure do." Mal lowered his right hand slowly reaching into his back pocket. Something fell making a loud thud when it hit the floor. Everyone jumped. River ran and hid behind Zoe. The soldiers cocked their weapons ready to fire. "Whoah, easy there people," Mal said bending over to pick it up, he held the object in the air, "It's just a book, my papers are inside." One of the soldiers came over, cautiously taking the book from Mal. He handed it to his leader but kept the papers to examine.

The man turned the book in his hand, "Ibsen's A Doll's House. You a literary man Captain Townsend?"

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think. . ." River offered, trying to be helpful.

"Just holdin' it for a friend," Mal answered.

"And this friend is fluent in Norwegian?" The dark man asked quirking an eyebrow.

"She's a pretty amazing woman."

"I'm sure."

"These are good, Sir," said the solider examining the papers interrupted, "The best I have ever seen. Must have cost a pretty penny, forgeries all the same."

The leader cocked his head in Mal's direction, "Care to change you story, Captain?"

"Don't see how that would do me much good."

"What's your opinion sergeant? We don't want to take the wrong man." He cast an arrogant eye over Mal. "Frankly, if this is him, I'm more than a little appalled by her taste."

"Right type of ship. Right route. He fits the description the whore gave us even down to the tacky brown coat. He's the one," the lieutenant affirmed.

"What is she thinking?" The tall man shook his head. "Captain Malcolm Reynolds, you are under arrest for high treason. You will come with us now."

"I don't think so." Magically, Zoe had her gun trained on the dark man.

"You must be Zoe," he laughed. "How quaint, but predictable. You can't really believe that you can save him my dear." The purple bellies re-cocked their weapons to emphasize his threat.

"Shouldn't play with gun!" River advised, unheeded by deaf ears.

"Zoe don't do this," Mal ordered. River trembled. Wrong . . . it was all wrong.

"Shut up, Sir," she responded, and then shifted her eyes back to the dark man. "Don't have to save him. We got a real simple situation here. You gonna let him go and get the hell off our boat, or I'll drop you as I live and breath."

"And what about your husband?" The man nodded towards Wash, who stood there his hands still in the air. "Is Reynold's life worth his?" He pointed up to the catwalk. The other half of the soldiers had silently returned, everyone one of their guns trained on Wash's pale figure.

Zoe's eyes darted from Mal to Wash to the purplebelly bastard who knew so much about them. She couldn't think. Too much. Didn't want to die this way. River gently pushed Zoe's arms down.

Mal walked over to her and took the gun from her limp hands. The man held up an elegant hand and the soldiers held their position. Mal emptied the rounds onto the floor and gently tossed the gun away. "It'll be alright. You're the smart one, the strong one," he said gently kissing her on the forehead. "Look after the crew and my girl here. Tell 'Nara . . . tell her I'm sorry and that I love her." River knew he had more to say, but they were cuffing his hands behind his back and leading him away. The soldiers marched out behind him.

"How touching," the man sneered. "You two are free to go. Try to stay out of trouble." He left the remaining troops following in his wake. River ran after them, but the cargo bay doors had already closed.

"They're gonna kill him. Oh god, not like this . . ." Zoe muttered.

She began to cry. Zoe never cried. Her shoulders shook, harsh, ugly sounds coming from deep inside her. Wash was trying to hold her. Her face went all purple and her chest was heaving as if she couldn't get enough air. She sounded like she was being slowly skinned alive.

The pain! _Too much, too much,_ it hurt her head. _Where is Simon, he could make it better?_ Heavy weights were being added one by one on her temples. Crushing her to death, trying to extract information, but she didn't understand the questions! She didn't know why their world was being ripped apart. "Stop it!" River yelled. Zoe kept up the keening, worse and worse as she fell to the ashen floor holding herself all funny.

"Bao bei, bao bei." Now Wash was shouting. _Too much noise._ "Zoe! Get on your feet solider." Wash pulled her up roughly. "You gotta get a hold of yourself. This is not what Mal would want. We've got to think, make a plan." Zoe was not listening. She pulled away from her husband. The force with which she shook her head made her curls go wild. River wondered if they would turn into snakes. Wash had never seen her like this. It was like something snapped. He pulled her into a forced embrace and spoke soothingly, "We have been through worse than this. Mal will survive. We will survive."

"No we won't," River whispered. She finally recognized the scene they were in. She began to scream as the ship exploded into light, heat, and ash.

**

* * *

Villa de Láng, Londonium**

"Why did you keep me waiting?" He'd been sitting in this bloody pool for over an hour. His hands and feet had gone all pruney. Chancellor Láng was not a man who favored delaying his passions. He would have to punish her, remind her to whom she belonged. And yet, his body stirred at the sight of her and his heart began to beat faster.

"We are taught that anticipation increases pleasure. If I have displeased you, my Lord, I will gladly leave and send one of the maids."

"You will come here now," he ordered in a growl that shook with his want and wrath.

Kali delicately descended the steps of the pool. She wore only a blue-black kimono style robe made of a silk so finely wrought its iridescence could barely be seen where it draped over her slightest curves. Her arms were held aloft, the elongated sleeves skimmed across the fragrant, steaming waters. The kimono billowed out around her willowy form as she traversed the length of the bath. She looked like a bird floating towards its prey. Unbidden the words came to Láng's moistened lips:

"_One shade more, one ray less,  
Had half impair'd the nameless grace  
Which waves in every raven tress,  
Or softly lightens o'er her face;  
Where thoughts serenely sweet express  
How pure, how dear their dwelling place."_

"That was always one of my favorites," she breathed as he pulled her roughly onto his naked lap. She realized she was tense. Could he feel it in bunched muscles of shoulders, in the way she kissed him? She focused, used all her art to mirror his lust.

"Why do you hurt me, Pina?" He needed her and could not bear to feel her distress and distraction. She drew away slightly, aware she had failed to fool him. She paused and looked into his eyes, cast her own down, and made another effort.

She swayed with Pax-fed yearning. "Because you won't let me go. Because even the damned must have their due."

The truth on her lips hurt Láng more than the lies the rest of her body was telling. She was the only person he had ever truly loved, his one all consuming passion. He had risked his power to bring her to his side. He ignored evidence of her treachery, he let her play her games. Still she would not grant him one taste of joy that was not laced with the rancid past. He despised her, his hate a measure of his love.

He savagely pushed himself inside of her, watching her gasp. He knew it was the first true reaction he had seen from anyone, but especially her in a long time. _Alone, always alone. _As he moved fiercely, mercilessly in her depths, her responses took on their ritualized artifice. Her breath quickened, nipples hardened into taunt nubs. Her pupils dilated, so that there was almost nothing left of the chocolate iris. Her walls started to shudder and tighten with signs of impending release.

Whore! This was not what he wanted. He longed for something real between them, something to carry him beyond her loathing. He gently pressed Kali back, her sinuous muscles bending like reeds. He pressed her back until that beautiful face disappeared beneath the surface of the lavender-scented water. He pressed her back, back, and lovingly held her down in bath's warm depths.

**

* * *

Sundown Township, Shadow**

They had been on the mule for over an hour. Serenity drank deeply again from the flask again, finishing the vile rotgut off. The rough whiskey had been the only thing keeping her warm on the frigid journey. The sun had set a long time ago, and Jayne still hadn't told her where they were going. Finally, he stopped the mule in what Kaylee benignly referred to as "the colorful side of town." They ended up outside a two-story building covered something that look like aluminum. A woman with long frizzy blond hair in a blue sequent bustier, an old gray shawl and dirty blue full skirts lounged on the porch idly smoking a cigarette. She tossed it away giving a squeal of excitement when she saw them.

"Jayne Cobb, you old bastard," she announced throwing herself into his arms while her still nimble hands snaked down his pants. "Why ain'tcha you been here to see me lately!"

Jayne had the decency to blush as he tried to free himself from the woman's all-too familiar "embrace." "Helen, tasty as you are, I been busy on the ranch. I told you how things git 'round there."

"Yeah, busy tryin' to find your way into Kaylee's overalls."

"Maybe we should all go inside," Jayne gulped, giving Nitty a nervous and significant glance.

Serenity had led sheltered life. One of the adults always came with her whenever she visited Sundown and none of them would ever let her come around here, less bring her straight to the door! Still, she knew exactly what the older woman was and by extension, where Jayne had taken her. She'd'a been a mite embarrassed and a might uncomfortable, if the conversation she weren't so interesting.

Oblivious to his silent plea, Helen continued, "I keep tellin' you, you should just come down here one of the nights she visits and pay Heath so's you can take his place! Hell, jus' promise ta do him after Kaylee, he'd step aside for free."

"Helen," Jayne was near shouting now and turning redder than a beet in the process, "this is Serenity."

That stopped the woman dead in her tracks. She turned real slow and stared at the red-faced girl sitting so quiet and so close. As the "lady" began to walk over, Serenity tensed up ready to bolt thinking that maybe running all the way back to the ranch in near freezing weather might be preferable to whatever was gonna happen around here. But then Helen did an odd thing. Upon reaching the girl, she bent down and tenderly kissed Serenity on both cheeks.

"Bless you honeychild," Helen said, an almost maternal look coming across her face. "Your daddy saved my life, more than once." She turned to speak to Jayne, "She looks so much like her. . ."

Jayne cut her off before anymore damage could be done, "Lets go inside, huh? It's colder'n a witch's tit out here."

The inside of the house was a lot better looking than the outside. The walls were painted a muted red, decorated with tasteful picture of particular acts. Heck, they even had a chandelier with what looked to be real candles. Serenity gawked, goggled a bit at some of the more specialized pictures, and figured that all this fancy stuff meant that this was one of the better houses of ill repute. She wondered if her mother had worked in a place like it. Serenity would have been almost comfortable, if every man in the room wasn't starin' like she was Tuesday supper and them not fed since Sunday.

Jayne, nervous and thinking that his plan was gettin' sour quick, looked beseechingly at a pretty woman in a plain floral dress.

"Now gentlemen, put your peckers back in your pants. This here is Mal Reynold's daughter and she will be treated with respect." She sounded so sweet, but her voice held an iron note of command. Duly warned, the men returned their attention to the available entertainment in the room.

The years had been good to Petaline. After Nandie's death she took over the Heart of Gold, by the time the war broke out she could have retired on the money she'd made. Instead she stayed on as the Madame, running the place they way her friend and mentor would have wanted it. She would be there now if the Feds hadn't run her outta business so the Guild could set up trade on that gorram moon. True to his word, Mal showed up shortly after her distress call to transport her and all her employees to the safe haven of Independence-friendly Shadow. Petaline smiled now at his daughter.

"I feel like I already know you. Your daddy thinks the world of you, talkin' all about you ever' time I see him."

Serenity nearly passed out from the combination of alcohol and shock, "Really?"

"Of course, and why wouldn't he? You're such a pretty and accomplished girl. What can we do for you?" Petaline turned and inquired, not quite sure why Jayne had brought her here of all places. She was sure gonna hear an earful from Mal and Kaylee when all this was said and done.

"I . . .I . . . don't know, ma'am," Serenity answered, terrified that she might make some break in etiquette after such an unexpectedly warm welcome. Petaline gaped a moment, then laughed and started to speak.

"Brought her here to get sexed. She's a virgin," Jayne interrupted in a less than discreet whisper.

Serenity blushed, "Jayne! You got no business . . ." She thought she would die of embarrassment. It was bad enough that no one, except men that mistook her for a whore, would look at her twice. Now Jayne was practically broadcasting to the entire place that he had to pay for someone to touch her.

Petaline could feel the girl's shame. "It's okay honey, the first time is always," she paused searching for the right words, "a mite troublesome. You're just lucky that Jayne had the raregood sense to bring you on into my place so's it'll be right. Would you prefer a boy or a girl?"

_Oh yes, death right about now would be nice._ Serenity couldn't even answer this seemingly most basic of questions with any certainty. "Ahh . . . umm . . . a boy, I guess, thank you ma'am."

Petaline struggled to keep a straight face. "Ah, a traditionalist. You are our special guest, you can have your pick of the house. Boys." Four men ranging in ages from their late teens to early thirties leapt up from playing cards, line up in front of her. Petaline's establishment was noted, by the locals for the varieties of tasty it offered, each man suited a particular preference in looks. "Serenity Reynolds, may I present Chan, Tyson, Carlo, and Heath."

"Pleased to meet you," quavered Serenity. Jayne nudged Petaline's shoulder, nodding at the man closest to them.

"Heath, you services won't be needed tonight," said Petaline quickly. Serenity looked calf-eyed at Petaline and Jayne, mouth opening to protest. "It would be in bad taste . . . you're a bit too . . . old for this fine young filly." The man with ivory skin, bright blue eyes, and black hair appeared notably disappointed, but politely bowed and left obeying her subtle but unmistakable command. Jayne, his arm now lazily draped over Helen, looked extremely pleased by Heath's exclusion.

Petaline paused, studied Serenity a moment, and said gently, "It's your choice now, honeychild. You see somethin' special enough to suit you?"

"Umm, well you're all real pretty, but . . ."

"May I suggest my services?" An attractive, but average looking young man spoke in a deep, beautiful voice. Serenity felt her knees go all funny and her eyes get real . . . well . . . she took a deep steadying breadth. He looked just a few years older than herself. He took Serenity's hand, kissing it lightly just above her knuckles. Through her blurring vision, she marked the similarity his to the Madame, the same wavy brown hair and soft brown eyes, his face was less round and he had a slight cleft in his chin. "After all, I owe my life to Captain Reynolds as well." He smiled warmly at her, "I'm Jonah Burgess."

"S. . . Ser . . . Serenity." _Ai ya, I sound like a back birth!_

"I know," he said his eyes never leaving hers. "Would you do me the honor of accompanying me upstairs, Miss Reynolds?"

Jayne leaned in towards Petaline, actually managing to whisper this time, "Your boy know what he's about? I only want the best for her."

"Now who's his Mama, Jayne? You think I'd let my boy go untrained? Jonah's in the family business," Petaline confirmed. "I hold him back for special clients. Guess he made his own choice this time. Don't fret, he'll take good care of her."

Even if he didn't, it was too late. Jonah was already leading Serenity up the stairs. She was moon-brained his mellow self-assurance and the dizzying, delicious sense that this boy actually wanted her. She barely heard Jayne call after her, "Don't kiss him on the mouth! I never kiss 'em on the mouth, Nitty."

Jonah shut the door behind the two of them, glad that its weight helped to block out Jayne's continuing litany of distasteful instructions.

"Jayne means well, but sometimes he lacks social graces," he said handing her a glass of whiskey, which she gratefully took and tossed back in one shot. Jonah had never let go of her hand, he was stroking the inside of her arm and it was makin' her all wobbly. Or was that the whiskey?

"You should see him eat at dinner. I seen cows chew cud look less revoltin'," she snorted nervously.

He pulled her to him. His chest, now somehow bare though Serenity couldn't remember him doing any unbuttonin'. She leaned into him, then pulled back as she felt his heat and a tickle form some fine hairs somewhere, couldn't see where, what was wrong with her eyes?

He drew back a little, examining her face. The flush of embarrassment, and judging by her breadth more than a bit of cheap whiskey, only served to heighten her coloring. Her sky blue eyes, though glazed with anticipation, were darting back and forth trying to take in the room. Without a spec of makeup or frippery on, she easily was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. The flower of the county, as the locals said. He would have to answer to Kaylee. He knew, her always tryin' to scare off the resident male populace with promises of gelding the first one who touched Serenity even . . . but that was for the next time he saw Kaylee, not now. He pulled Serenity's trembling body slowly closer and kissed his client, trying to ignore his own man parts' questionable future.

He pulled back at her tenuous response, not wanting to rush her, and asked, "What are you thinking?"

The room had joined her head, reeling out of control. She felt like she'd been dancing around the maypole for hours and now couldn't stop. Her mouth tasted funny, but she didn't think it was from the kiss. He hadn't tried to stick his tongue in her mouth or any of the other gross things she heard boys did. All the same, she didn't feel good and wished she was at home in bed.

"I think," she slurred, "I think I'm gonna be sick." And then she was, all over Jonah Burgess's shiny new boots.

**

* * *

**

**Reynolds Ranch, Shadow**

"You did what!"

It took what was left of Jayne's coordination to dodge the vase-missile that flew at his head. "Now, c'mon Kaylee, you ain't lookin' at this right." He spoke in soothing tones trying to calm her down before somethin' heavy hit his head and he lost consciousness as well as control of the situation.

"You took my baby to a brothel! How am I supposed to look at it!" Kaylee was yellin' loud enough to wake the dead, punctuating her statement by hurling one of her fancy painted plates at him. It just missed him smashing against the innocent wall. _Shit, she's really mad to let fly one'a those! _Jayne hadn't felt this exposed and threatened in any of the gunfights he'd been in. He kept his feet movin', watchin for another missile. He certainly hadn't seen anyone this pissed at him since the time Mal nearly through him out the air lock after a small misunderstanding on Ariel.

"It ain't like we weren't gettin' some at her age. Heck, you even bedded a fifteen year old or two as memory serves," he reasoned.

"Don't you dare bring that up," she snapped. "Simon was right. You are like a trained ape, without the training!"

"Well, Simon ain't here, is he!" He shouted back, enraged that she'd shove Dr. Pussy Pants in his face. She was the only reason why he came back to this rutting planet, after the genius one up and disappeared. And what had it got him, since that day he had lived his poor excuse for a life in that weakling's shadow.

Kaylee's eyes widened, then narrowed. "Get outta my house," she hissed.

"Fine! I'll be in my shed when you're ready to deal with a real man." Jayne stomped out the door cussin' all womenfolk, followed by the sounds of more breaking ceramics.

Kaylee pushed her fingers through her long red hair and tried counting to ten, waiting for her anger to cool. She had never been the violent type. Picking up a gun still made her feel queasy and she was admittedly the worst shot on the ranch. But right now, she was ready to pick up the rifle Mal had given her a few birthdays ago and start shootin' an' if Jayne just happened to be in the way, well so sad. No, it was really just a matter of figuring out who she was gonna take out first: Petaline for waiting till everything had gone south to contact her; Jayne for taking Serenity to that place; or Serenity for being . . . Serenity.

The girl was growing more outta control by the day. Neglecting her studies and chores, runnin' about with Jayne doin' God knows what, or just disappearin' for hours on end. If it weren't for the war, she'd scrape up the last of Inara's jewelry and send Serenity to Buddholic nuns' school hopin' that religion, meditation, and/or a few good beatings from the nuns could straighten her out.

_I've tried to be the best mama I knew how. She had everything I never did: plenty of food to eat, a good education, and more looks than was healthy for a girl her age._ _But I guess I grew up knowin' that my Mama an' Daddy loved me no matter what stupid tricks I pulled. _Kaylee knew Serenity's life had been hard with her pa and her ma gone, but that was no excuse. And it was about time someone told little miss high and mighty so.

Kaylee took the stair two at a time, busting down Serenity's without so much as a knock. "Now you listen here missy. . ."

Kaylee stopped. Her baby was curled up on the bed weeping like her heart was breaking. "What's wrong with me a yi? I . . . I . . . I barfed! All other his pretty . . . and he didn't even get mad," she wailed. "Why can't I do anything right? Why do I spoil everything?"

Kaylee forgot the lecture she was about to deliver. She sat on the bed stroking Serenity's curly black hair. "There ain't nothin' wrong with you, precious. You just forget 'bout thinkin' sometimes." She opened her arms and Serenity came, somehow managing to curl the growing adolescent body into a ball on Kaylee's lap. Lil' darlin' used to do the same thing when she was a girl and had skinned knee. Serenity continued cry as Kaylee held her rocking her gently back and forth, "There now, Nitty, it's all gonna be fine. I promise." Serenity sobbed harder, making unintelligible sounds. Kaylee started to sing to her, the same song Inara had sung to her baby in the cradle, "Take my love, take my land. Take me we where I cannot stand."

**

* * *

Sihnon **

These weren't River's memories. This was not her pain. Still, she could not hold the ghosts at bay. She stopped fighting and let them flooded through her blinding, burning, screaming . . .

Mal burned with fever, pain wracked his body. His right arm had been dislocated and at least three of his ribs were broken. But his body's screams that tortured him with every breath were noting compared to his soul's despair. He had failed them. Inara had been right, his fool's pride had destroyed them all. The Alliance had blown up the ship the moment they were a safe distance away. After that he'd lost track of the days, lying here waiting for them to work him over again, hoping that this time they would go far enough to kill him. They hadn't even bothered to ask him any questions, it felt like they were doin' it just for fun. To amuse the bastard that always stood in the shadows just beyond his view. Now he knew why they had kept him alive.

She came to him like a dream.

Inara looked like she was dressed for her wedding day. Fine white gossamer clung tightly to every curve; the fabric was so thin he could see her lush body, like a drawn bowstring, beneath. Pearls adorned her black mass of curls. Diamonds glittered at her ears and throat. Her face was painted like she was meeting a client; kohl made her dark eyes stand out against the honey of her skin. She had dusted her face and body in gold to highlight her coloring. Glossy red-painted lips, those lips he could feel moving on him even in this hell, curved into a poignant smile as she floated towards him followed by dark shadows.

"Give us some privacy," she ordered. The wraiths obeyed her command.

"'Nara . . . I . . ."

She bent over him, her cool hands stroking his burning cheeks. She felt so good, like he'd come home at last. She was crying. Though her body remained still and supple, small tears ran down her cheeks raining golden droplets onto his face. She kissed him slowly, savoring the touch of his lips. Even in his agony, Mal reached for the comfort of her lips, just the lips, he couldn't move . . . The kiss tasted like sweet wine with the underlying acidity of blood and regret. It tasted like goodbye. She gently took his hand and held it to her breast. "You were right Mal. This is all I am. This body is all I have." She said softly, finishing a long conversation for both of them.

"No . . . Serenity. You gotta go back for our . . ."

"Shhh," she silenced him. "Listen to me, just this once. They are going to take you from here and put you on a transport ship. Don't go home, Mal, not if you love them. Wander, hide, throw the men who will follow you off your trail. You know how. Don't go home until its safe." She turned to leave.

"Inara," he demanded with the last strength he had, forcing himself up and grabbing her wrist, he looked her in the eyes. "I'm not worth it."

Her wan smile twisted, removed her from him, and dark eyes froze him transforming into black glaciers. "I know," she whispered. She slapped his torn, bruised cheek. Mal fell back with a snarl of agony.

"Are you alright, little princess?" One of the shadows moved forward. Mal saw through swollen and watering eyes the dark man who had boarded Serenity. He enfolded Inara protectively in his arms.

"Bastard thought he had the right to touch me," she spat.

"How ridiculous," he said gathering her heavy fall of hair into his hands, as if he cherished her. "Your belong to me."

"Always Alexandrous, always a ge," she promised raising herself up on her toes to kiss him. She arched her back pressing her body closer to his, drawing him deeper into the kiss.

Inara broke the kiss, but kept her body plastered to his. "The others?"

"Dead."

"The ship?"

"Dust."

"Good, then he has nothing. He is nothing."

"Shall I kill him for you darling?"

"No!" She said just a little too quickly. Schooling her voice, she continued, "I want him to suffer a long time with the price of his arrogance. A bullet is too good for him." She turned, never breaking the circle of Alexandrous's arms to face the guards who had taken such delight in beating Mal. "But that doesn't mean that we can't have a little entertainment," she lilted. "Break his leg. We don't want him running back to the rebel scum too soon."

Mal didn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. He had lived with this woman. They had a child, shared a life. In her arms he relearned trust. She had made him whole again. Though they never said it, he loved her and knew she loved him. She wouldn't betray him, not this way. No, it was part of plan. Any minute Zoe . . . no, Zoe was dead. Then Jayne . . . The reality of the situation fell on him with the iron of the crowbar that crushed his left leg. He watched unbelieving as the woman he worshipped embraced another, her passion seemingly fanned by the sounds of his screams.

Inara finally disentangled herself from the other man's arms. Standing by Mal's side once more, she caressed his shattered leg. "I told you, I'd make you sorry. You destroyed my life, so I took yours. It's just a shame that Zoe and Wash had to pay for your petty incompetence."

He panted, struggling to hold onto consciousness. "I'll kill you. I swear, one day I will kill you for this, you bitch!"

Inara lorded over him. Her cool hand, slick with his blood, stroked the side of his face again, but it brought no comfort this time. "Good," she said gravely. She bent down, stealing one last kiss from his lips as she jabbed a needle into the side of his neck.

She began to weave her curse. "Live for the crew; they will need you in the days to come." She whispered so only the two of them could hear. "Live for our daughter; you are all she has left." The drugs were taking effect quickly, her face grew hazy, her voice distant and weak. "Live for that day; I will be waiting my love."

Mal was fading fast, falling into the comforting darkness where nothing else could hurt him. Somewhere on the edge of his mind he heard them speaking.

"What did you tell him?" The dark man asked.

"Only the truth. We're both free now," she answered as their rich laughter mixed together and they left.

It was quiet, but it was far from over. The rage burned leaving white ashes it its wake. Wrong . . . it was all wrong. White is the color of mourning, not weddings. River lay in her bed weeping, holding herself lest her mind shatter with the force of their pain. He understands; but he does not comprehend. Where's there's truth there will be lies. 'After all, what is a lie? 'Tis but the truth in masquerade.' She rocked back and forth, rambling on softly:

"And on that cheek, and o'er that brow  
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,  
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,  
But tell of days in goodness spent,  
A mind at peace with all below,  
A heart whose love is innocent!"

She Walks in Beauty, George Gordon, Lord Byron

Again, I find spelling and grammar a mite problematic. Please post comments, I live for them. Let me know if I should continue this madness.

Mandarin

xiong shu- assassin

Huai dan- bastard

Bi yi shi ci yi shi- that was one situation; and this is another - times have changed

dong ma- understand

mai yuan- bitch

yin hu- vagina

Gao chao- good

xiao bao- jewel

bing quan- heads (big shots)

a ge- elder brother (term of endearment)

fang pi- idiots

ta da me- fucking

feng- mad

a yi- auntie


	4. Part IV: Book of Gifts

25. Underneath the Cherry Blossoms

Underneath the cherry blossoms is where we used to play. In their rose tinted shade, I first learned the touch of love. Even today, our initials intertwine where she boldly carved them into the bark. Here, I thought nothing could ever hurt me again.

Underneath the cherry blossoms is where I laid her to rest.

These ashes are not Nandie. Part of her lives in the Heart of Gold and her people there. Gently whispering in their ears . . . suggesting which caress brings the most pleasure . . . imbuing the rooms with the spirit that transforms a building into a home. Part of her still runs through the halls of House Madrassa, singing off key at the top of her lungs. Simultaneously disturbing and exciting the clients with the shear force of her personality.

Part of her will always live in me.

The family bought Nandie as a graduation gift for him, but he never wanted her. I always did. I wanted to see her, touch her. Her laughter made my dead house come alive. I would spend hours following her from room to room. Standing in the shadows, I tried imitate her movements, her voice, her gestures. I wanted to be her.

Nandie warned me. The night before they took her away from me, she held me as I begged her to stay. "Be careful Pina. It's not right . . . the way he looks at you . . .it . . . it's just not right. If you ever want to leave, go to House Madrassa on Sihnon. Oh mei-mei, if you ever need me I will be there."

And she was. Less than a year later, I stood shivering at the gates begging for entrance. The High Priestess heard my name and was ready to turn me away, give me to the authorities. Nandie ran to fetch Ishtar, Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma of the Guild.

"Holy Mother, I met this girl while I was on Londonium. I promised her the protection of the Guild, now the High Priestess wants to send her away," Nandie rushed.

"This 'girl' is a curse," Jie Shan Li hissed.

Ishtar held up her hand, silencing her. "I know what she is. What brings you here, little Sun Princess?"

I couldn't speak, couldn't think. I sank down on my knees and lowered my head. "I have been trapped my entire life. I want to be free."

Ishtar's expression was one of whimsy tinged with sadness, "Oh child, don't you know that even freedom has a price? When the time comes, will you be willing to pay it?"

"Yes."

I thought she meant being a companion. Having to lie down with strangers in exchange for coin, tithing part of my fee back to the Guild. Now, I know better. Ignorance is a blessing all its own. It allows us to make choices with no reckoning of their cost.

The gates opened. Ishtar touched my face and for the first time I felt truly valued. She named me and my life changed.

"Rise and enter Inara Serra. We will teach you to take pleasure without regret, to gain power through service, to find freedom in submission. When we are done, the verse will do your bidding and you will be our ray of light in the dark days to come."

Underneath the cherry blossoms, I learned to be a companion.

A companion is never angry or scared. To be so, means that someone else has the power to control her emotions. She is always serene because she has the utmost confidence in herself and her abilities. She is always free, because she will not rely on others. She may deal in her own flesh, but never her soul. That belongs to her alone.

Some would call us whores or, worse, slaves. Nothing could be further from the truth. Perfection may be our canon, but freedom is our religion. A true companion would rather die that sacrifice choice or identity. We are taught to enjoy the company of others, to find the beauty in each soul, but to never rely on anyone but ourselves for happiness. This is why we do not take lovers. For us, love means losing little pieces of yourself bit by bit, day by day, till one morning you wake up and there is nothing left. I learned the meaning of freedom at House Madrassa. I was happy there. It was my home. I never wanted to leave.

Now, I'm home again and under the cherry blossoms, I sit alone.

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Part IV: Book of Gifts**

**

* * *

**

**Styx 12 Years Ago**

"I don't wanna go, Mama."

"Matt, this is the only way." Her baby looked like he was gonna cry. Amy didn't want to send him away. But with Billy, little Steveie and another baby on the way, there just weren't enough food to feed 'em all.

"Why can't Billy go, he da oldest?" Mat snuffled.

"'Cause I needs him here on the farm," William stated stomping up to the boy and his mother. _Little pansy was whinin' again._ William hated that, just like he hated the boy's fancy ways and book learnin'. Boy thought he was better than his own pa. _Look at that yella hair fallin' all the way down to his shoulder. Think he'd were a girl, lessin' you look real hard and close._ "Stop that blubberin', what will 'em fine city folks think of you with your face all puffed up like a Christmas turkey."

Amy didn't want their last moments to be like this. Lord only knew when the next time they'd see him. "Will, please . . ."

"Was I talkin' to you woman?" William snapped, bringing his hand down to emphasize his point. "Sendin' him to school be the best thing for him. Only way to get him off your apron strings."

Matt stared up at his pa. _I hates you too, old man. _Someday when he were old enough, strong enough, he'd come back here and take his mama, Stevie, and the baby away form all this. They'd never have to worry again, cause he'd never let anyone hurt them.

Matt stood silently making his plans as a dark car pulled up. Two gentlemen in matching fancy city clothes got out. They seemed to hover towards the porch where the family stood. Both had funny smiles plastered on their faces kinda like the one that old Mrs. Smith had when they laid out at the wake.

"Mr. and Mrss. Summersss, yesss." They spoke in unison. Mat wondered how they could manage to get the words out with their thin lips stretched as far as they could go and teeth bared.

"Yep," William answered. "This be our boy, Matt."

The taller one floated forward, reaching out with a blue-gloved hand to capture Matt's chin. The gentleman examined the boy. "Oh, ssspecial, very ssspecial," he hissed with glee. He looked up stretching the toothy grin even farther. "Your ssson is truly a giffft. Thank you."

The hand shifted, snake fast, grabbing Matt's arm and pulling him down the stairs. They tossed him like a sack of taters into the back of the car.

"Mama!"

"Wait!" Amy ran down to the car. In one had she held Matt's bag, in the other small box. "You almost forgot your things," she panted.

"Please don't send me away. They'll hurt me like they do the others," Matt pleaded.

"Oh, don't start on that again. Now, be Mama's brave little boy," she said the tears running down her cheeks. She handed them the suitcase and then the box. "See, I baked your favorite cinnamon buns. That should tide you over until supper. I love . . ."

The car pulled off before she could even finish her goodbyes. Mat sat clutching his box, inhaling the comforting smells of cinnamon and vanilla. "I know what'cha are. I know what'cha do," he snarled at the strangers who sat across from him.

"Ssso talented already, isn't he Mr. Croup."

"And we haven't even begun to cut, Mr. Vandemaar."

"Perhapsss we should take a clossser look the other children," Croup suggested.

"The oldessst will be dead from fever in lesss than a year. The mother will missscarry the one she'sss breeding now." Vandemaar stretched his scrawny neck towards the child. "Your daddy will beat it out of her."

"Sssuch a waste," Croup mourned.

"It doesssn't matter," Vandemaar reasoned. "We have the pick of the litter."

Pressing himself deeper into the corner of car, little Matt Summers started to cry.

**

* * *

Battleship Mars, Present**

_I wanna go home_

_Open up. See what's inside._

_Oh God. . . yes. . . don't stop_

_Here_

_This must have been what Rome looked like in the last days,_ Summers mused as made his way through the crowded decks of the Mars. Hundreds of bodies cramped the small area. Couples openly fornicated on the floor and tables, along the walls, and anywhere else they could find to mate. The recycled air reeked of cheap rice wine, sweat, cum, cunt, and despair. The stench was making him nauseous. All around him, the cream of the Alliance corps, at least what was left of it, attempted to fuck and drink their way into oblivion in the obliging arms of scores of companions.

_Mercy... mercy... no. Mercy._

_I can't believe I'm missing the cotillion for this go se_

_Kate, I love you Kate_

_Here_

_If he calls me that one more time he won't make it to Shadow _

It would have made an amusing scene if weren't for the smell and sound. Summers had stopped taking his meds in preparation for executing Ambassador Kali's little chore. He now regretted that decision. Hundreds of thoughts assaulted him from all sides, threatening to drive him insane. Prayers, curses, sighs, whimpers, screams, and moans merged to create an inescapable cacophony of noise as meaningless as their lives and missions.

_I don't want to die_

_Umm . . . I'd do you for free_

"No thank you," Summer gritted out walking past a particularly pathetic pair. Even if the dumb bastard rutting with the whore survived the war, her disease would kill him in a matter of years. Stupid cow didn't know she was poxed. She had contracted it about a week ago from a client who had paid an extra thousand credits to have a "natural" experience. It hadn't shown up in the test the Guild administered before she came on board, but Summers could already see the poison coursing through her body. In four years time that perfect complexion would be mottled with lesions and running sores. Who'd want her then?

_Pray for us sinner now_

_The boy deserves a good thrust, considering he's not long for this world_

_HERE_

_Momma_

_Weak. They were all weak._

Summers pondered the distance to the airlock and whether the pain of implosion could be any worse than spending one more second in this flying tomb. _Nimen dou shi sagua_, he hated these fucking people and their pathetic excuses for lives. As far as he was concerned death would make a marked improvement in all their dispositions. Cattle. They were all cattle for the slaughter.

_I'M OVER HERE GOD DAMNIT!_

Summers snapped out of his ruminations and finally noticed a pair of amethyst eyes boring into him from across the room. _Ah, the contact._ He walked towards into the small space beneath the stairs. She clasped his hand and gently pulled him away from the crowd towards her private room.

A small man in a funny bowler hat watched their progress. _So the Ambassador's pet companion finally came to play. _He waited a few moment and then pushed the girl serving him aside. "Thanks luv." The Gov'na told 'im to keep 'is eyes peeled for anything interstin' concernin' li'le Mai. _This could get intrestin,' _he thought following the pair.

**

* * *

The Eumidide**

If one were to look at a chart of Malcolm Reynolds's life it would resemble a map of the Guai's Moon. Though it was terra-formed in the early days of exploration, no one lived there seeing as how it weren't nothin' but a ragged collection of sharp peaks joined together haphazardly by a series of desolate valleys. A few intrepid colonists had tried to homestead there but life couldn't grow in its hard, gravely soil. Those who didn't die of starvation moved on in less than a year, poorer for their sad efforts.

Such had been Mal's existence. A few precarious moments of happiness joined together by the inevitable falls from grace. The pattern had started early in his life. At the age of seven he'd run all the way home from school happy as a clam after winnin' spellin' bee only to find his no-account pa shacked up with one of the ranch hands. Pa left three days later takin' his slut with him. Mal never saw him again and, frankly, didn't give a shit whether his old man were alive or dead.

The pattern was firmly set by the time Mal was in his early twenties and discovered that the angels above Serenity Valley weren't nothin' but Alliance cruiser come to broker a less than honorable peace with the traitorous hundans in the Independence brass. The wheel of fate, under whose spokes Mal seemed to live his life, turned again when he and Zoe received an early release from the Federal "reeducation camp" they'd been sent to after the war. They caught the next transport back to Shadow arrivin' just in time to see his mama draw her last breadth. There was a lot Prudence Reynolds never told her son. She never told him when she'd caught the damp lung two years earlier. Never told him that she'd sold the ranch and all her worldly possession to secure his and Zoe's release. Mama never even got to tell him how proud she was or that she loved him.

Mal took the last of her savings, bought himself the freedom he couldn't win in blood. And for a time he'd been happy, well as close to that particular emotion as he dare get. . That was before the whore came and taught him entirely new levels of elation and suffering.

So, it should have come as no surprise when Josh Washburn-Warren ran ashen faced into the cargo hold as Mal fenced with Chandara merrily musin' on the success of the Persephone mission and distant dreams of revenge.

"Mal!"

"What?" Distracted Mal spun right into the private's untipped saber, the sharpened blade grazing his arm.

Josh breathlessly said, "Shih needs to see you on the bridge, now!"

He bowed and tossed his blade to his grinning opponent. "Please shoot me the next time it looks like I'm having a remotely pleasant thought," he growled storming after the already sprinting Josh.

Mal entered the bridge expecting the standard remark about him being a slow old man from his typically smart mouthed pilot. The silence that greeted him spoke volumes and made the blood welling from his arm run cold.

"This just came over the cortex, Sir," Ching Shih stated quietly. She took a beat searching for the right words. For once, her vast intellect failed her. "The Alliance is all over the Umbra Quadrant, they are invading Shadow."

It's possible to fall, even when you are at your lowest. Mal learned that when he finally returned to Shadow after a year of running from Inara's goons. In his absence, Simon had up and disappeared, while Jayne had come to help Kaylee run the ranch. He remembered kneeling there holding his little girl swearin' that he'd never let her go. He remembered thinkin' that Serenity was the one good thing to come from him and 'Nara. Jayne had taken all that away when he called Mal off to the side and sheepishly confessed that he had suspected Inara of cheating for years. Claimed he would've said somethin' earlier, only the whore had been bribin' him. Put his family up in the Core where Jayne's sister could get the best treatment and paid for all the doctor's bills.

Jayne always did have a shitty sense of timing.

"Huh . . ." Was all Mal could think to say.

"Gorram Purplebellies is almost on Shadow Mal. We gotta go get the others. We gotta go get 'em now," Josh blurted out.

Shih spoke calmly, trying to diffuse the situation. "You zhende shi tiancai. If these reports are right there over a thousand ships, we'd never make it."

"Thought you was always in the mood to kill," Josh barked.

"Yeah, but I'm not in the mood to die today. I like fights I have chance of winning. . ."

"Enough!" Mal yelled, "I ain't got time for ya'll snappin' at each other. Shih get Command on the line."

Shih took a deep breadth, pissed at herself for loosing it, and even more pissed at Josh for pushing her. "Sir," she breathed again, "There's something else you should see. It came from the Brass with the notice about Shadow." She flipped a switch changing the cortex screen and quickly moved out of the way.

A serenely beautiful face appeared on the screen. "This is a private message for Malcolm Reynolds, Commander of the Independence Battle Cruiser Eumenide."

Deeper and deeper, Mal wondered how bad this day would get 'fore he hit rock bottom.

"Get out, both of you."

* * *

Josh and Shih stood outside the door to the bridge. A hostile silence lay between them. Shih regretted respecting the commander's privacy. Their very lives now depended on what Mal Reynolds's whore had to say. The minutes stretched into an hour and then more. Shih was ready to fetch Sue Ellen and have that skanky mechanic jimmy the door, when the commander emerged at last from the bridge.

"Shih, maintain our current course. Contact the brass and see if they got a mission for us."

"What about the others?"

"It's been taken care of, Josh," the commander said.

"But, Mal you can't mean to leave them . . ." Josh didn't get a chance to finish his thought before Mal's fist made contact his face.

"I said it's been taken care of, boy." He said calmly walking away from the bridge shaking out his bloodied hand.

"You chicken shit son of a . . ."

Mal turned ready to let loose the remainder of his rage on his best friend's son.

Shih deftly stepped between them not flinching as she stared down a man clearly on the brink. She used blunt, staccato sentences, hoping to break through his mask of insanity. "He is scared. Sir. He is worried about his family. Your family. We all are. He did not mean to speak out of line."

Mal nodded slowly, as if he understood. But all he could here was Her. _Serenity is mine. I never abandon what is mine._

"Take him down to 'Nita in the infirmary and get him checked out," Mal said walking away. In his mind Inara's voice still continued. _This is the last gift I will ever give to you. I pray you do not squander it._

**

* * *

The Wing Estate, Londonium**

"And you are sure they were not, otherwise engaged?" General Atherton Wing asked staring into the small cortex display on his desk.

"She weren't in there for more than five minute before 'e come strollin' out with a folda of papers lookin' like the cat wat swallowed the canary. Tasty li'le piece like Mai, don't matta how far the stick is shoved up your pigu, gen'leman want to take his time with the likes of 'er. Now if it was me . . ."

Wing drummed his finger on the processing the implications of this action while his underling babbled on with his lurid fantasies. "That's enough Beaver."

"It's Badger sir," the face chirped back.

"Whatever. And you are sure Mai has not made contact with anyone else aboard?"

"Yes, Gov. 'He's kept to 'erself all this time. 'Ould I continue to fol'ow the tart?" Badger asked relishing the idea of doing some very deep undercover work in that regard.

"No. It's the boy that interests me now. But keep your distance. I wouldn't put it past the Ambassador to use . . . just take your Pax and try to use your brain," Wing instructed.

"Oh, one last thing. Boy said somethin' 'bout a sentry . . . no . . . scenery . . .," Badger tried to concentrate and then snapped his fingers, "Serenity . . . or the like when he come outta the cabin."

The gods seemed to truly favor Wing that day. "Yes, the boy. I want the boy."

Badger swallowed the obvious quip, "Right'o, I'm on it. Are 'ou sure 'bout the tart?"

Wing rolled his eyes as he cut the cortex link. _Interesting . . . very interesting._ "What do you make of all of this?"

Councilor Shan Yu XIV took a moment to consider his words and the situation. "It could be nothing. Ambassador Kali is a micro-manager. Maybe she dispatched the girl to oversee the troop deployment. Companions are known to be a bit needy. Perhaps the girl decided to taste the wears."

"Maybe . . . perhaps. My friend you're reaching," Wing chortled. "I knew that bitch turned the Council against me for a reason. She wants something on Shadow, why else block me from blowing that backwater moon into the earth-age."

"Well then, you should tread carefully. We can assume that she has Chancellor Láng's support," Shan Yu reasoned.

"The wolf only abides her because he can't lick his own balls," Wing barked. Worrying his well-manicured nails as he further considered the situation. "No," Wing concluded, "my spy tells me she met with Mai for hours, even took her to the Mars. If the Chancellor knew, Kali would not be relying on her flunky."

Wing's brain was so clearly working on overtime, Shan Yu was somewhat surprised that smoke was not pouring from his ears. "So you suspect the Queen of Whores is playing some deeper game?" He prompted waiting to see just how much Wing knew.

Wing nodded, satisfied with his-own brilliance. "Definitely. The only question is: What is the prize and can we beat her to it?"

In actuality those were two very different questions, but Shan Yu had neither the time nor the inclination to correct the General's wanting arithmetic. His concerns ran much deeper.

**

* * *

Reynolds Ranch **

"Silent night, holy night . . . "

The entire ranch had come out to watch the spectacle. Kaylee, Jayne, Serenity, and the fifteen other souls who called the ranch home watched the sky in speechless horror. The ships came down like shooting stars from the heavens. It would'av been helluva pretty sight, if you didn't know what it meant. Standing on the porch, Serenity felt Kaylee's comforting arms embrace her. She leaned against her a yi's shoulder and let the shudder run through her.

"All is calm, all is bright"

The news had been on the cortex all day. Shadow had unconditionally surrendered to the Alliance. "What we gonna do, Kaylee?"

"I don't know, xiao biao," the older woman murmured.

"Round yon virgin mother and Child"

Jayne rose up from the porch swing he'd been occupyin' since the news come in, "We're takin' any bit of precious we got and getting the hell off this rock. That's what we're gonna do."

Kaylee could've sworn the merc got stupider every damn day. "And were we gonna go? How we gonna get there? It said on the cortex all the ports been closed. No one but Alliance is comin' in or out!"

"We still got some of 'Nara's jewels, we buy our way off ," he reasoned.

"You talkin' crazy."

"Holy Infant, so tender and mild"

"No I'm the only one talkin' sense," Jayne insisted. "And will you stop that, we ain't got time for your bullshit now!"

"Don't you yell at her," Kaylee hissed at him.

River stopped singing. She was the only one who seemed nonplussed by the invasion. Indeed, she'd spent her entire day making chains out of green, red, and gold crepe paper while cheerily singing carols as if it were Christmas. _Made hats, too, pretty crowns so they could celebrate the season in style._ "Where's your holiday spirit, Jayne?"

"Christmas were months ago you coot," he muttered.

River rolled her eyes, "Yeah lambs being born in the middle of winter and I'm supposed to be the crazy one. Besides, everyone knows you have to wait till Epiphany to get the really good presents."

"River," Kaylee soothed.

River continued, "Gold, frankincense, and myrrh, impractical gifts for a baby . . ."

"If you don't shut her up I will," Jayne threatened.

". . . they're only good for funerals."

Serenity couldn't take any more. "Stop it! All of you."

"See moon brained nut spooked the kid."

"I ain't scared," Serenity asserted. "But all this arguin' ain't getting' us no where."

"Mama's smarter than the gorram kings. Found the brightest Star in the sky for her baby," River promised.

"What she talkin' about, Kaylee?"

"Nothin' darlin'," Kaylee sighed. "Your Aunt River is tired is all."

But the prophet wouldn't be silenced. "He burns bright enough to block out the Sun."

The scene on the porch did nothing to calm employees' already frayed nerves.

"Should we pack up, Mrs. Tam?"

"Should we break out the guns?"

"What we gonna do?"

"A yi?"

"Listen to me all of you." Kaylee gazed at the sea of eyes lookin' to her for answers. Her time on the ranch had taught her that people were a lot like cattle. Fine as you please so long as there were plenty to eat and nothin' scared them, but one sharp sound were enough ta cause a stampede. She had to calm 'em down before disaster struck. "The Alliance is comin' and there ain't nothin' we can do 'bout it. Ya'll that got family round here is free to leave. Now's the time to be with them. Ya'll that ain't, you free to leave too. Your jobs will be here waitin' for you when all this is over. But I'm stayin'! This is our land. Our home. And we ain't gonna be run off it."

Incapable of speaking under his breath, Jayne grumbled, "Purplebellies might take issue wit that." The group took up his complaint.

Kaylee could'a kicked him. "People. People! Most of us got family in the Independence. We know our boys and girls will do right by us. We gotta do right by them. Keep ourselves alive and make sure they got somethin' to come home to. Cortex says the Alliance ain't lookin' for no trouble. Well that's fine, live and let live. Ya'll hear what I'm sayin'. No one makes no trouble, we ain't get no trouble. Now go to your bunks, all of you. Tomorrow, I'll see that them that choose to leave get what they deserve."

The hands continued to mill about, complainin' amongst themselves and watchin' the skies.

Serenity stepped forward, "Ya'll heard Mrs. Tam. We got work ta do tomorrow now git." The teen's voice had a resonance amplified by the nature of those who stood around her starin' the crowd down. If Jayne didn't beat ya, then Miss River might cast some sort of a spell. They dispersed and the grounds fell into silence.

Those on the porch retired to the house. They weren't two feet in the door before Kaylee grabbed Jayne by shoulder and spun him around. "Don't you ever contradict me again!" She said slamming her hand into his shoulder.

"One of these days you gonna push me too far," Jayne warned using the full height and girth to emphasize his threat.

Kaylee was unimpressed. "Offer to leave extended to everyone who ain't family. Last time I checked that included you."

Fighting came second nature to Kaylee and him. Most times it were forgotten in a day or so, but something in her eyes told Jayne that this was different. "Fine." He stormed out the door.

Serenity had watched the exchange silently known that it were best not to come between the two of them when they were having it out, but even she could see that this was different. She ran to the door, calling after him. "Jayne comeback. She don't mean it."

"Go ta bed Serenity," Kaylee sighed.

"Kaylee, tell him you don't mean it," the girl begged.

"I said go ta bed. Things'll be better in the mornin'."

"You push everyone away. It's no wonder he left you," Serenity shouted storming up the stairs to her room.

"GORAMIT!" River watched as Kaylee swore kicking the innocent sofa.

Not the right time to explain. Too many emotions, couldn't see the Star for the clouds. Needed rest. So River walked up the stairs to her own room. "Sleep in heavenly peace; Sleep in heavenly peace."

**

* * *

Villa de Láng, Londonium**

River dancing. Simon holding Kaylee, his hand lightly pressed against her slightly bulging belly. Shepard Book reading to the children. Zoe and Wash playing with plastic dinosaurs, delighting little Josh. Jayne, on one of his rare visits, fishing quietly in the lake. Mal spinning Serenity around, her black curls flying, face frozen eternally in a silent squeal of delight.

Kali picked up another picture. It was Mal and Inara. The day it was taken, they had been arguing about his gun running. _Sometimes it felt like we did nothing but argue._ Fed up with his pretensions and specious arguments she smashed a piece of pie in this face. She ran for a few minutes before he finally caught her. He wrestled her to the ground and smeared his sticky face all over hers. There they were, covered in cherry goo kissing, the fight forgotten in the midst of sweet-tart taste of passion. Kaylee had snuck up on them and captured the moment. It was the last picture they ever took together.

_These are all I have. _There were no tears that would be pointless. She gathered up the pictures and slipped them back into their parchment folio. Kali knelt by the fire gazing into the flames. _I should burn these, they only . . ._

A short, annoying figure barged through her door, "Excellency, there is a . . ."

Kali shot up, deftly slipping the file behind her back. "How dare you barge into my rooms unannounced! I'll have your head for this!"

Shan Yu stifled his anger. _Damn woman thinks she rules the verse. _"Forgive me, Madame, but you are need at House Hetaira. There's been a breach in security."

"Mai?"

"That's part of the problem. Wing knows that she's on the Mars," Shan Yu explained.

"Ni ta ma de. Tianxia suoyoude ren dou gaisi!"

"With all due respect, may I ask what you are doing? Does the Guild know about this little field trip?"

"That is my business and the Guild's. You are on a need to know basis and I might add, if you had been keeping better tabs on Wing this problem may not have arisen." She berated him.

"Forgive me, my lady."

She waived her hand imperiously dismissing him like she did everyone. "You were right to inform me. I'll be with you immediately." Shan Yu XIV bowed deeply. _One day she will bow to me._

Kali waited patiently for him to leave, then ran and grabbed her veils. She stopped, looking down at the folder still clutched in her hands. _What's done is done. _She breathed deeply and walked back to the fire, and lightly tossed her memories into the flames watching them reduce to ashes.

She prayed to the goddess whose name she had taken as her own.

"O Kali, Thou art fond of cremation grounds; so I have turned my heart into one. That thou, a resident of cremation grounds, may dance there unceasingly. O Mother! I have no other fond desire in my heart; fire of a funeral pyre is burning there; O Mother! I have preserved the ashes of dead bodies all around that Thou may come. O Mother! Keeping Shiva, conqueror of Death, under Thy feet, Come, dancing to the tune of music; Make me like you, Holy One; turn my heart ash, strengthen my resolve in your divine fire. So I may crush my enemies; their blood I give unto Thee. You are a mother too; hold my baby close, grant her the peace for which she was named. For these small boons, I offer all that I have; I offer my life."

She spread the hot ashes with her finger taking mute pleasure in the searing pain. Then she went to her mirror and calmly arranged her veils as if she had all the time in the world to contemplate the shadow that looked back at her. _Inara Serra is dead. Let her burn. I am all that remains._

_For OldFan45, my stalwart editor, may he have better days, and Mai, my constant muse who reminds me that even in the black there is light._

Mei-mei little sister, generic term of endearment

Jie- Elder Sister, term of respect allotted to a woman in a superior position

Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma- (literally Holy Mother of God) Holy Mother

_Nimen dou shi sagua- _Idiots. All of you.

Guai- Devil

Zhende shi tiancai- Really are a genius.

Hundans- bastards

a yi- auntie

xiao biao- jewel, generic term of endearment

Ni ta ma de. Tianxia suoyoude ren dou gaisi- Fuck you. Damn everyone in the 'verse.

Author's Note on Names and Sources: Inara means "ray of light" in Arabic

Croup and Vandemaar are named after the Neil Gaiman's villains in Neverwhere an amazing proto-punk novel that echo's Alice in Wonderland.

The final prayer is taken from an eighteenth century Indian poet named_ Ramprasad, _the lines following the astrix are of my own invention.

As usual all comments and criticisms are greatly welcomed and will be given due consideration. I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Phaedra (a bad luck name of an infrequent poster)


	5. Dream Interlude

_Pray it's just a dream . . ._

**

* * *

**

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Interlude: Dreams in Three Tenses**

_

* * *

Homecoming_

The war was finally over. He had come home at last. But the ranch was gone, burnt to the ground.

"River . . ."

Only its shell remained. Mal walked through what used to be the living room. Charred bodies covered the floor. Was this what he had fought for? Killed for?

"Kaylee?"

A large corpse slouched against the wall still clutching Vera. Was this god's justice?

"Serenity!"

"They're not here." A tall blond kid, no more than twenty, stepped out of what used to be the kitchen casually cleaning a gun.

"Where are they? Who the diyu are you?"

"Don't worry, Sir," he winked. "I took good care of them. Followed orders to the letter."

He was outside standing in the gorge. They used to picnic here. He shouted for his family.

"Mal . . ."

That voice. He spun around and leveled his gun at the nightmare. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Glossy red lips curled in a smile. "You left them all alone down here. Someone had to look after of your responsibilities."

He cocked his pistol. "What have you done to them, Inara?"

The smile widened displaying her perfect white teeth. "Xiao bao come on out."

Serenity came running out of one of the nearby caves. "Papa's home! Papa's home!"

He had to drop the gun to catch the spry seven-year-old as she leapt into his arms. He held on tightly silently swearing to never let go. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby." Tears spilled from him falling on her rosy cheeks.

Wide blue eyes stared at him curiously. "Why are you crying Papa?"

Inara beckoned to their daughter. "Come to me xio bao. Come to Mama."

"No don't!" It was too late. He couldn't hold on to the child. She wriggled free and ran to the thing that called itself mother.

They were wearing matching dresses. Mal remembered Inara making them for Serenity's sixth birthday. Her left hand gently stroked his little girl's shiny black hair. "He's crying because he thought he lost you," Inara soothed. "Isn't he silly, my jewel?" There was a small blade in her hand. Serenity nodded her head in agreement as Inara swiftly drew her blade across the child's throat. The tiny body crumpled to the ground beside Kaylee's and River's husks. "You can't loose something that was never yours," Inara stated softly.

Mal closed his hands around her throat trying to crush the life out of her, but the more he pressed the louder that horrible musical laughter grew. "You loved them too." He shouted. "How could you?"

"I didn't . . . you did," she hissed leaning forward to bite his lower lip. She held up her hands encased in perfectly clean blue gloves. "I gave you your life Mal. You didn't need my help to destroy it."

Inara was gone. Mal looked down at his gore-covered hands. He stood alone in the gorge surrounded by hundreds of bodies. All those he had failed.

* * *

_Ophelia_

When she dreams, she dreams of water. She swims through it like a fish. Its soft, cool caress takes her cares away. Mother can't tell her to sit properly. Father can't hate her for being a worthless girl. Legions of governesses and tutors are held at bay. Here, she's just Pina; and Inara is happy.

Like a mermaid her fine silk skirts fan out around her holding her up. She can feel the hot sun on her face, darkening honey skin that should be porcelain white. She sings snatches of old songs and wonders what lies beyond the clouds. In her dreams, she goes there, to the black, to the beyond.

Her muscles tire. The skirts become water logged and heavy. Soft vines wrap around her legs. She's dragged down. Down, down, down beneath the surface of the lake. She doesn't care to fight. She says a quick prayer that he'll forgive her and inhales deeply. This is what freedom tastes like. Clean . . . sweet . . . never ending. Stars dance before her eyes and she's at peace at last. Serenity always did have a rather funereal sound to it.

But he won't let her rest. He drags her up from the deep. There on the beach, he pushes the kind water out. Forces the breadth of life back into her unwilling, resisting body. It is the first of many rapes.

He holds her saying, "Please don't ever leave me," and "I love you, mei-mei," over and over again. She's coughing and crying wishing she could go back. He kisses her hair and her face until their lips finally meet. She goes dead still. A final tear drops. There is no escape. This is her fate. She looks into his eyes and surrenders. "I love you too, Alex," she whispers. She lies back and lets it happen.

* * *

_Hong Lou Meng- (A Dream of Red Mansions)_

Red. Rouge. Rojo. Rutilus. Chi. Cheng. Dan. Fei.

Blue may control, but red rules his life. Red will be the only peace he'll ever know. The voices only stop when the red flows.

Energy. Action. Strength. Power. Confidence. Courage. Change. Revolution. War. Warning. Stop. Pain. Blood. Warmth. Fire. Luck. Romance. Carnality. Passion. Desire. Love.

He'll find her in the woods. Xia will block out the sun. He'll know her by sight and smell. The jin cloak and the basket of sweets. A lost child out of the fairy stories. He'll know her name is Serenity.

Red is a color at the lowest frequencies of light discernible by the human eye. Red light has a wavelength range of roughly 630-760 nano-meters. Red is the last thing we see.

She'll the most beautiful creature he's ever touched. But it won't the way she looks. The riotous waves of black curls; the flashing blue eyes; the golden body just blooming into womanhood, these will mean nothing to him.

It'll be the smell. Spice hangs in the air, like cinnamon sticks when they first touch the grater. Warm and rich, bursting with promise. There'll be vanilla too. A whiff of innocence to add complexity to her perfume. She'll smell like his last memory of home.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure.

Tong hong. "Do you remember miao hong from school?" She'll lie down before him. She takes his hands and guides them up her long calf to her thigh, round the swell of her hips and ass to the valley of her belly over the slopes of her breasts to column of her throat. "This is how we learned to write. We begin by tracin'. Knowin' the forms 'fore we create them on our own." The hands rest on her face. She'll kiss them. But they can't comprehend creation. They only know how to kill. She smiles as if she understands. "I can teach you how to live."

The hong lang will bring him to his knees. Summers hasn't felt this powerless and scared since childhood, since the blue hands took him and made him what he is. He'll try to warn her, "I can't. It's too late for me."

"I trust you Matt. I know you'd never hurt me."

Red is powerfully linked to our most primitive physical and emotional needs of survival and self preservation.

Hong seng. Qiong. Hong lian. Wei.

He'll devour the lian wu lapping up its sweet juices. She'll lie in the mei covered by hong ye sanguine till the end.

* * *

_Translations_

diyu- hell

Xiao bao- precious, jewel

mei-mei- little sister, generic term of endearment

chi- red, scarlet, bare, naked

cheng- deep red

dan- red, cinnabar

fei- dark red

xia- red clouds

jin- red silk

tong hong- red through and through (to blush a deep red)

miao hong- to trace over red characters (a method to learn how to write)

hong lang- red wolf

hong seng- red revolutionary

qiong- red stone; beautiful

hong lian –red lotus

wei- red jade, precious, rare

lian wu- reddish pear shaped fruit

mei- grass that gives a red die

hong ye- red autumn leaves

As always for Mai, my beta without whom I would have quit writing this long ago.

Author's Note: It this seems confusing, it's because it's part of a larger series called the Pillow Book of Inara Serra available on this site. There's also a reader's guide in my blog section to help clean up some of the vagaries.

As always, despite my best efforts, I'm sure this is rife with spelling and grammar errors. I'm sorry, but lots of great authors (not me unfortunately) had the same problem.


	6. Part V: Book of Waking Dreams

It's been nearly a year since I updated this story. My excuse? Well I started a new job which kicks my ass, being a laywer kinda sux. Anyway, I don't know if anybody is still following it, but if you are then thank you.

31. Who can find a virtuous woman?

"Who can find a virtuous woman?"

On Earth-That-Was virtue was invariably linked with morality. A woman could only be virtuous if she remained chaste.

For our Prima Noctes, Companions receive a ruby choker. It marks our caste and acts as a constant reminder of our value and virtue in a verse that has forgotten the price of beauty. Ishtar gave me mine the night I embraced by first client. Tonight she came to take it all away.

Ishtar has grown old. Her once beguiling face is deeply lined and a curtain of thinning white hair covers her back. She leaned heavily on her silver cane as she hobbled over to sit in the chair opposite to me. But her voice is still strong and beautiful. The Gods have been kind in that one aspect. She raised it addressing me as if I was a mere novice, "The Enclave met and voted. The risk Láng may find you is too great."

"I don't understand."

"Your parents are dead, a shuttle accident. There is nothing left to restrain him." Ishtar breathed deeply, "You must leave House Madrassa."

The words should have hurt more than they did. There is a point when dreams invade reality and you can't scream to wake yourself up. There is a point beyond pain, when you have lost all that you love and there is nothing left to feel. "I understand. May I have sometime to make the necessary arrangements." I took the rubies and placed them in her hand.

I could not tell if it was emotion or the disease slowly eating away at her system that deprived her of her once widely praised grace. But Ishtar's hands shook as she held my wrist and looked into my eyes, "I was very selfish, all those years ago. I should have sent you faraway. I think you might have been happy on a farm or a ranch, perhaps."

"We will never know. Will we, Holy Mother?"

Trembling, she placed the rubies back in my hand and I helped her to stand. "I will find a way to make amends," she promised, embracing me. She hobbled toward the door but stopped and turned to look at me. "Inara. You are worth more than those stones. When the time comes, do not sell yourself cheaply."

Everything is slipping away and all I have left to hold on to are these cold jewels in my hand.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies."

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Part V: Book of Waking Dreams**

**Reynolds Ranch **

Everyday the ritual was the same. Serenity rose before dawn-- with the chickens, as the locals might say. Dressed in clothing that had neither shape nor color, she headed out into the fields to perform the hundred menial tasks whose names he'd forgotten.

There was a certain grace to the situation's many contradictions. Her hands were small and callused; but her fingers were tapered, far better suited to dancing across a dulcimer than mowing hay and feeding livestock. Those hands gave life to a calf one day and take it from a heifer the next. They built fences and chopped wood. She performed all of it like sleepwalker, only wakening just before twilight when she grabbed her basket of treats and sets off into the woods.

He stood watching, hidden by the shadows of the trees; waiting for her to come to him.

**Londonium, Láng Estate**

Kali awoke drenched in sweat. She could still taste the water in her mouth, feel the weeds wrapped around her legs. Of the many failures in her life, that one prevailed as her deepest regret. But, today would bring more. Shan Yu had found the traitor. He waited for her at House Hetaira.

Chancellor Láng stirred beside her. "What is it mei-mei?" he asked, reaching for her. He was used to her nightmares. Once upon a time he had the power to take away.

"I want you to take me back to Hong Lou Meng," she whispered, leaning into his creeping touch.

The request awakened him fully. "What?" He sat up regarding his changeable mistress. "But you always hated it there."

"I want to go home. Will you take me there?"

"Of course, I . . ."

"Good," she said cutting him off while gracing him with a radiant smile he hadn't seen for ages. "Today. We can go today."

"Pina," he reasoned. "I have meetings."

Clouds descended over the smile so quickly he had to question its existence. "Oh, I'm sorry," she condescended, "I forgot there's that execution after breakfast and then a hair cut."

"That's not fair. We're in the middle of a war."

"A war you have the power to stop. Declare an armistice, negotiate with the Independents. You can still walk away from this. I know you're tired. . ."

He had had enough, "What I am tired of, madam, is my mistress thinking she has the right to dictate policy. The Lángs built this empire. Father beat back the first wave of Browncoats. I will do the same. You may have no sense of family honor, but I do. I will not be the one to lose everything my ancestors bled for."

**Eumenide **

"This is a good land, a fertile land, and we shall call it . . . Joshonia."

"Nay, we shall call Ellenwood. Death to the tyrant Josh!"

"Damn your sudden but inevitable betrayal." They both laughed.

"Betrayal's just the nature of the verse." Ching Shi walked in on Josh and Sue Ellen sitting on the bed playing with his dinosaurs. Looking at the pair she didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or shoot them. "We just got new orders, I need your help dragging the Commander out of his latest stupor."

"Let him rot, I'm busy!" Josh snapped as he consciously put a bit of distance between himself and Sue Ellen.

"Ah, clearly you're confused about out roles," Shi began. "See, she's the skank that will hump anything with a pulse, biologic or electric."

"Hey, don't take your frustrations out on me," Sue Ellen shouted.

"Oh go fuck something," Shi shot back. "Where was I? Oh yes. I'm the judgmental bitch who tells everyone what to do. And you, my friend," she said staring down Josh, "are the lovable sap who accepts everybody as they are while strongly encouraging them to mend their sinful ways."

Clearly not amused, he replied, "This ain't gonna to work."

"I wasn't asking," she said grabbing his arm and hauling him off the bed. "Now move your rutting ass!"

He pushed her off violently, "He left them to die there, Shi. Just like he did to my parents! That's what he does. Times get tough and Malcolm Reynolds runs to save his hide, it don't matter who gets hurt in the process."

"That's not fair Josh," Sue Ellen said quietly. "The entire fleet is under orders to stay well and clear of Shadow."

"You," Shi stopped herself realizing that Sue Ellen was agreeing with her. "She's right. That decision most probably saved our lives."

"You don't turn your back on family. 'Course, you wouldn't understand what I'm talkin' 'bout."

Shi slammed her first into the wall, just narrowly missing Josh's already broken nose, "Don't ever talk about my family." She walked out.

**House Hetaira**

Kali recognized him. Takashi Miike had been with the family for years. They had played together as children. He hung on the Saint-Andrew's cross in the dungeon of House Hetaira. The sight of his broken body hanging there angered her. While the Guild employed their own interrogators, they lacked formal training. Like all things, interrogation took finesse, but there was no art to what had happened here. _We are no better than the Alliance._

"Takashi-chan," she bowed, "It brings me much pleasure to have you here. You were always a naughty little boy. Bad boys like you usually have to spend thousands credits and have a slew of recommendations before they can enter this room." Kali lifted her veil and smiled into the dawning look of recognition and horror spread across her victim's face. "But I'll make a special exception for you, ototo."

He began to beg. "Waga Reifujin, if I had known it was you. . ."

"You would have what? Charged more? Three hundred pieces of platinum is already quite generous."

"I told him nothing."

"Shh, you shame us both by lying." Kali opened an ebony box and withdrew a long silver needle. "See, I've brought you presents." She adeptly ran it across her forehead and down her cheek before sliding it into her mouth. She sucked on it a moment before drawing it out, cutting herself. "Your mother used to do this for me when I was little girl," she said with bloodied lips as she caressed him with the needle. "I would get a headache and she would use the pins to take the pain away. It was only later that I learned that the art worked both ways."

"Please . . ."

Kali ignored him. "Did you know that it takes less than a pound of pressure to piece human flesh?" She placed her blue-gloved hand on his chest and slipped the needle between her fingers. "We're fragile creatures," she said. "The trick is knowing exactly where to press," Kali finished slowly twisting the needle into his soft tissue. Her laughter was deep and throaty, edged with practiced seduction. It mixed surprisingly well with his screams.

**Shadow**

Jayne jammed another chunk of pie into his mouth as he drank thirstily from the flask, smacking his lips to savor the welcoming taste of Sarah's cider. "You want some, Kid?"

Serenity sat beside him at the mouth of the cave admiring Jayne's seeming supernatural ability to eat, drink, and talk at the same time. Weren't a pretty sight, but 'twas one she sorely missed. "No thanks. I've sworn off spirits for the time being." She laughed self-consciously. "They don't sit too well with my stomach."

Jayne smiled even as he crammed more pie into his mouth, "Jonah's fergotten all about that little incident. Heck, Helen tell's me some fella's even ask fer that. I remember this guy I used ta run with . . ."

Serenity held up her hands, "Too much information!" She grabbed the flask from him and drank a few swigs to settle her suddenly rolling stomach. "How they treatin' you at The Other Heart of Gold any ways? Looks like they ain't feedin' you none."

Jayne swallowed and fought the urge to belch. Home cookin' weren't the only reason why he trekked out here everyday. "Great! A man's natural place is in a whorehouse. Helen's thrilled ta have me all to herself. Jonah keeps askin' after you and when y're comin' back ta town. I think he's sweet on you," he said wiggling those caterpillars that passed for eyebrows.

"For reals?" she asked, brightening a bit. "I mean . . . well . . . I gots other stuff on my mind. Things been tough round the ranch. Most of them worthless hands run off the day after you . . . ah . . . left. Kaylee needs me to help pick up the slack. I ain't got time to go to town."

"Well if she needs another hand, I can pitch in." The truth was that Jayne missed the ranch and kept waiting to hear he could come back. He missed Kaylee and wanted to keep an eye on her, even if it was only through Serenity's garbled reports. People round The Other Heart of Gold talked too much sense, he longed for angst filled teenage ramblings and even River's moon brained nonsense.

Serenity shook her head sadly. "Kaylee's still mighty niao. I keeps askin' but. . ."

"Oh."

"But I'll keep at her. Between my whinin' and Sarah grumblin' 'bout there bein' too much food around without you to finish it, she'll be beggin' ya to come back in no time."

Jayne started to take another bite, but threw the pie down in disgust, "Yeah Nitty, whatever you say. You best be goin'. It's getting dark and I wouldn't want anyone to worry. Purplebellies might be out there."

Serenity started to put away the remains of supper. "Don't see what the big deal is anyway. For all every body talks 'bout the big scary Alliance not much has changed round here in the week since they came. 'Part from the patrol that came round and talked to Kaylee for a couple minutes the other day, ya wouldn't even know they were here." She smiled as she pulled the long hunting knife Jayne had given her for her birthday out of her basket. "Sides, any Purplebellie messes with me gonna have ta talk ta Bessie here."

Jayne shook his head. "You gotta big mouth on ya."

"Runs in the family," she said pointedly as she hugged him.

"Come on, I'll walk you home."

They joined hands and left the cave. Serenity skipped while loudly humming the Hero of Canton as Jayne trudged by her side. Both were oblivious to the danger until the click of rifles stopped them dead in their tracks.

**House Hetaira**

He was stronger than he looked. Takashi took multiple pins in his chest and eyes without breaking. The full story only came out after Kali took the razor wire and began to saw away at his ankle. He had been in General Atherton Wing's employment for less than a month, recruited shortly after the Shadow vote was taken. His mission was to watch the Ambassador and Mai reporting on their movements. To his knowledge, none of the other servants had been bought. Though she took his little finger-- just to be sure.

"You've done well, ototo; I believe you."

"The others. Don't punish the others," he mewed, reduced to entreaties and tears. "I swear they had nothing to do with this."

"They have always been loyal. I will take care of them. No reprisals," she promised.

"Thank you my Lady. I remember when we . . ."

"Please stop." Kali said softly. She removed her gloves and the Lang's signet ring. She held the latter over a candle watching the platinum turn red, then white in the flame. "They are safe. But you, little brother, I cannot save." She pressed the metal into his forehead, branding him with the mark of the wolf.

"Well done, Excellency," Shan Yu said emerging from the dungeon's shadows.

"Cut him down." Kali absently waved her delicate hand in the direction of the unconscious man. "Have him wiped and dump him on Atherton's door step," she ordered.

"Is it wise to tip our hand that way?" inquired the Councilor.

"I guess you should drop by and observe your friend's reaction to our little message," she snapped sarcastically.

"Of course, Madame. But there still may be traitors amongst us. Your staff must be questioned," the little man insisted.

Her head hurt, she had neither the time nor the patience for this. Wing knew about Summers. _Everything is falling apart. _"Ni ta ma de. Tianxia suoyoude ren dou gaisi including the Guild. No one touches them!"

"Yes, Excellency." Shan Yu bowed, deferentially backing out of the room.

Kali gently took her victim's pulse and removed the needles. She had been careful not to cause any permanent damage to his vital organs. Looking around to confirm that there was no one but the two of them in the room she serenely stepped into a dark corner and vomited there. Rising, she delicately wiped her mouth off and left the room.

"Get me a secure cortex link to House Madrassa."

**The Eumenide**

Sue Ellen hurried after Shi, "What was he talkin' about?"

"Nothin'," Shi spat.

Sue Ellen stepped in front of her, blocking Ching Shi's path. "How's about we pretend to like each other, just this once. Why did what he say that got to you so bad?"

Shi slumped down on to the corridor floor. "I'm from Leda. My parent's and I were off world when the riots broke out and the Alliance terra bombed the place." She counted her breadths trying to control the emotions raging inside of her. "We moved around a bunch after that. We were on Higgin's moon when the Alliance came looking for volunteers. Lined all us mudder up and asked a bunch of questions like planet of origin and reason for leaving. My parents were dumb enough to tell the truth. Gorram purplebellie shot them right there, called them terrorists. The soldiers dragged the bodies away and the line continued," she finished.

"You saw all that, didn't ya?" Sue Ellen asked already knowing the answer.

"I was right behind them. I stepped up and lied through my teeth. Even volunteered to join up, anything to save my hide. About a week later I stowed away on a transport ship and joined the Browncoats."

Sue Ellen sat down on the floor by Shi, careful not to touch her, "And you told Josh?"

"Got drunk one night, started singing the Hero of Canton. Turns out, Josh's uncle is none other than the Jayne Cobb. He asked how I knew the song and the story just kinda came out."

They were both silent for a long time. Shi looked like she was on the brink of crying, so Sue Ellen piped up, "Whiskey makes people all sorts of truthsome. I walked in on the Commander passed out on the table the other night. He was havin' some kinda awful dream. He was holdin' half of this real purdy rock like his life depended on it. He 'kept sayin' 'I killed her. It's my fault.'" So I woke him up.

"And?"

"He told me all sorts of things, most of which I won't repeat. But he did say, 'Inara almost died giving birth to Serenity. She still would die for her. She would kill for her."

"Well, I'm terribly relieved we can scratch the Commander's whelp off our list of concerns."

**Shadow**

"Well, well, well, look what we have here," said the first.

"Looks like a prairie harpy and her trick," replied the second.

Jayne scanned the scene. He counted four, all with weapons trained on either him or the Kid. For all he knew there could be more. He slowly raised his hands hoping that Serenity would follow suit. "We ain't botherin' no one."

The second wrapped his filthy arm around a frozen Serenity. "She's botherin' me." He leisurely licked the side of her face. "Got me all sorts of hot and bothered."

Jayne breathed deeply, dampening down his rage, "You best leave her be 'fore I have to rip your tongue right out of your mouth, boy."

The first, apparently the leader, turned and smiled at Jayne, "Easy there grandpa. This one looks a bit young for. . ." Pop! His head exploded.

Serenity gripped the knife in her basket and spun planting it deep in the neck of the solider fondling her. With a twist of the blade she broke the jugular. His blood baptized her as she stood watching his body crumple to the ground.

Pop! The third purplebellie looked confused as he watched red stain spreading across his chest. "Why?"

Jayne ran forward and grabbed the last from behind taking his gun. "I got your friend," he shouted. "Come on out or I'll blow his ruttin' head off."

"Be my guest." A boy dressed in surprisingly clean fatigues walked out of the forest. "Unlike you, I don't make a habit of killing my friends," he said with a wink at Jayne as he carefully laid his rifle on the ground.

Jayne wasn't buying it and tightened his grip on the hostage. "And just who the diyu are you?"

"Summers, Matthew Summers. Commander Reynolds figured there might be Alliance trouble. He sent to look after the girl."

"And you expect me to take your word for that? Gosh Matt, you think I'm as dumb as I look?"

"Dumber, if half of what Mal tells me is true."

"Hey, I'm the one's whose friggin' armed. . ." Jayne stopped, watching in horror as a blood cloaked Serenity calmly strode directly up to the stranger. She picked up the rifle and grasped its barrel. There was a sharp intake of breadth.

Her voice was pained. "He's telling the truth."

Gorram girl had lost her mind. "Nitty, let me handle this."

She marched back over to Jayne and held up her singed palm. "The rifle's still hot. He was the shooter."

"That don't mean nothin'."

"No Jayne," she turned and looked at the man. "It means that if he wanted us dead, we'd be on the ground like them two."

Spice hung in the air. Summers, taken aback, genuinely smiled. "Penny for the smart lady."

Serenity returned the gun to him. "So, champion, what we gonna do about this mess?"

Her mind was screaming. The fingers itched to claw the gore from her face and hair, but outwardly she was a serene as her name, as her mother. The little one was stronger than she looked. "Get out of here. I'll take care of this," he promised.

"Thank you." She walked back and took the merc's hand. "Let's go."

Jayne couldn't believe his eyes or ears, the Kid had thoroughly cracked. "Nitty . . . he. . . we . . . Gorramit!" He kicked the solider kneeling at his feet, grunting with satisfaction when he heard a rib snap.

"Jayne," the graceful adult began to fade. In her place stood a child on the brink of tears. "I wanna go home."

He never could say no to her. "Ok baby girl, we'll go home." He marched Serenity past Summers. "Anything happens and I'll . . ."

"What push me out the airlock?"

The merc grunted immaterial threats as he kept walking with the girl by his side. _Hell, Mal must have sent the little bastard. _They were the only ones that knew about what happened after Ariel.

Summers watched them go. The air still reeked of her and his mouth watered slightly. Sanguinity never tasted so good.

"Nah-ah Johnny," Summers said training the rifle directly at the solider struggling to his feet without taking his eyes of the departing pair. "You and I aren't done yet."

Once Jayne and Serenity were out of sight, he returned his attention to the solider.

"Go on and shoot. I will tell you nothing."

Summer's chucked the solider under the chin, "You can't tell me anything I don't already know, Johnny."

John's head felt funny. "How do you know my name?"

"I know a lot of things. I know about the nosebleeds." A few drops of blood fell to the ground. "The ear aches." John's ears began to ring as pain throbbed through his head. "Heck, I even know that you used to wet your bed." His bladder broke. The warm fragrant liquid chased the last of the girl's smell away.

"What are you doing to me?"

Summers moved in closer to whisper in his prey's ear. "I know what you and the boys did to that grunt in basic. She killed herself three days later. Why would you want to do that to her? Knowing what it felt like."

"Stop it," John whimpered.

"Such a weak little runt, stewing in your own piss." The creature pressed on watching the red flow faster. "Maybe you were asking for it. Maybe she was."

"No!"

"Maybe we all are. But you're going to do right by my lady. You will return to your superiors and tell them that your squadron was ambushed. Congratulations, you were the only survivor and killed the Browncoat sympathizers. I trust you to produce the proper evidence. Now, look at me." Summer's pulled John's hair back forcing the blood stained eyes open. "LOOK AT ME! I'll show you what real nightmares are made of."

Summer's lived his life based on one solitary principle: Servant or solider, strip away the surface and we're all just flesh and screams.

**The Eumenide**

Time had passed, but the two women remained seated on the cold metal floor of the corridor. It had been a long time since either had talked, really talked to another soul. It felt good, neither was quite ready to give this up and return to reality.

"Sue Ellen, why do you . . . how shall I put it?"

"I believe the phrase was 'hump anything with a pulse.'"

"Yeah that," Shi said actually blushing at how harsh her words sounded.

The mechanic and the pilot had one thing in common; neither had ever felt the need to justify their choices to anyone. But since they were sharing, the Sue Ellen tried to explain, "Well, if you think about it, my job, my life is all about killin' folk."

"Yeah the people who try to kill us!"

"True, but take away the war, the uniform, the majority of them is just folk, like you and me. They got families, friends, dreams, and the such. Most of the time it don't bother me. Can't afford to get all philosophical like in the middle of a firefight or while building a bomb. But here in the Black, when there's nothin' else ta do, it hurts somethin' fierce."

"So you fuck anything that moves?"

Sue Ellen shrugged. "Take away the kinky toys and sex is about life, two people, more if you're lucky," she smiled, "comin' together to celebrate each other, get lost in each others bodies. That's living, it can even make a life. Let's face it; all of us is side characters. We'll most probably die and no one'll notice or care. While I'm here, I wanna feel like I'm alive."

Shi shook her head. "You know, you're pretty deep for a skanky ho."

"Yeah, well you listen pretty good for a hard assed, judgmental bitch."

"I guess we should get off our rumps and revive the sleeping lush."

"Yep, let's do that."

Shi paused in front of the Commander's door. "You won't tell anybody about my. . . what we talked about."

"It will just stay between us girls," Sue Ellen smiled.

**Reynolds Ranch **

"They're here!" River chirped.

Kaylee stopped her pacing in time to see Jayne and a blood soaked Serenity walk through the door. She ran and pulled her girl away from him. "What the hell did you do to her?"

River opened her mouth to explain, but Serenity spoke first. "It ain't Jayne's fault, á yi. I was taken him supper. They don't feed him good at the Other Heart of Gold. He were walkin' me back, like he always does and," she swallowed. "And, well, they. . . they were just there. They was sayin' nasty things and, then, pop. The first one just fell down. I. . . I took Bessie and I . . ." She paused, trying to order the story in her head. "I left Bessie out there. I gotta go get her." Serenity turned quickly towards the door and tripped over her own feet falling to the floor. "I left Bessie inside him," she wailed.

Kaylee walked over quickly and helped Serenity to her feet. That's what mothers do. They pick us up when we fall. "This ain't your fault! You here me?" Kiss it and make it all better; at least they try to. "Whatever you done, it ain't no less that that hundan deserved."

Serenity nodded weakly and let Kaylee walk her up the stair. "It ain't Jayne's fault," she muttered mostly to herself. "He really don't belong in that whorehouse. Man's place is with his family. They don't feed him right. He was walkin' me home and . . ."

Kaylee crooned, "I know baby, I know. I ain't mad at Jayne."

"Then he can stay?" Serenity begged, "Please á yi, don't send him away again."

"Jayne can stay. But you don't want him seein' you like this. Let's go upstairs and get you cleaned up. Then we'll all have some coco, you, me, River, Sarah, even Jayne. Would you like that baby?"

"Yes please." Serenity nodded and beamed a brittle smile at her merc-father. "See, told ya you'd be back home soon. Now everything will be better. Matt will come and if they try to hurt me again he'll make them go pop. Just like the balloons Papa used ta bring me on my birthday." she giggled. "Pop!"

**House Hetaira**

Kahli knelt in deep abasement before the wall sized cortex screen. "Tian jiàng, Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma." A face, once fair, but now bloated with age and decadence glared down at her.

"Inara, just as beautiful as ever. Really my dear you must tell me your secret," Shan Li purred.

"Forgive me, Holy Mother, but I have no time for niceties. There may be a problem concerning Shadow."

"But I thought you had dealt with the spy?"

_Merciful Buddah, Shan Yu works fast._ "The spy has been eliminated, but my operative may have been compromised."

It gave Li immeasurable pleasure to watch Inara squirm. "My deepest sympathies, but what would you have us do?"

"Kill Wing."

"Impracticable, the man is too inept for us to loose."

Despite years of training, Inara couldn't keep the desperation out of her voice, "I know you have agents on Shadow; it would be so simple to have one of them confirm that Summers has not been turned."

"Impossible, we will not risk one of our people by having them communicate with your pet freak."

"Then do something. Ishtar promised the Guild's full support if I agreed to bring down the Chancellor and Blue Sun."

"And you have it. All your communiqués are transmitted to the Browncoats; a considerable portion of our coffers go to support the cause. But the child plays no part in this game. Any secondary promises died with Ishtar."

"Shan Li," Inara pleaded, "you are a mother too. Surely you must understand."

"I understand that brat divides your loyalties. You could have brought her to us all those years ago, but your passion for the pirate clouded your judgment then. I understand that you have made your bed. Now, my dear, I'm afraid you'll just have to rot in it."

Inara rose but kept her head bowed in respect. "You have made your position clear. Kindly allow me the privilege of articulating mine." She didn't wait for Shan Li to give her consent. "I gave up everything to serve the Guild. Serenity is all I have left."

Shan Li couldn't hide her smirk, "That is touching. I still don't see how your personal affairs concern the Guild."

"They should matter, because if anything happens to my daughter, I will tell the Chancellor everything. The Guild will be disbanded, the temples razed, and I'll personally salt the earth of the sacred gardens, just for fun. By the time I'm done, a Companion will be lucky if a client will allow her to pay to gen houzi bi diou shi."

"You wouldn't dare!" Shan Li's breathing rate had markedly increased. Her cheeks were flushed and a single drop of sweat trickled down her face. She knew that Inara wasn't lying.

"When I first came seeking sanctuary from the Guild, you called me a curse. Then you knew exactly who and what I was. I respectfully suggest you cleave to that memory in our future communications. Jiang fu, Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma."

**Reynolds Ranch**

River had been the one he worried about. An older, slower model, unquestionably out of her mind; they were, still, essentially the same type of entity. She laughed at him. "Poor baby, doesn't even know the story or even the character he's supposed to play. Prince? Huntsman? Godfather Death? Doesn't know Red Riding Hood is actually a Wolf." Maybe she was too far-gone to detect the threat. "Big eyes to see your soul. Big mouth to swallow you whole," she sang.

The rest were trusting people. Good people. Salt of the earth, one might say. Even the merc. It was all too easy to use these "qualities" against them. In their heart of hearts they wanted to believe that the Captain cared about them; that he wouldn't abandon his own. A promise here, a witty anecdote the past there and Summers was in.

They gave him a good meal and his pick of cots in the nearly empty ranch hand dormitory. He gave them the assurances they longed for: "Yes, the bodies are gone." "No, there shouldn't be any more Alliance trouble for the time being." He asked after the girl: "Is Serenity alright?" "I brought her basket back." "Yes, a smother is just the thing to help her through the night." All this he performed with a warm, winning smile. For the inhabitants of the Reynolds Ranch it seemed that, again, River was right; God had sent a gift to help them through these troubled times. Neither River nor Summers bothered to correct the gender in their thoughts.

He bided his time, waiting until midnight, _country folk go to retire so early,_ to make his way back to the house. Up the stairs and round the bend to the right where his mission lay sleeping.

The room wasn't her. The walls were a faded pink, lined with decrepit stuffed animals and Russian nesting dolls. Arranged between these were different rocks accompanied with little cards detailing their names and origin in immature calligraphy. There were also drawings of an old, Firefly class ship and the people who once called it home. A handmade rag carpet, wicker furniture gone gray with age; it was the room of a child. Still, the air was thick with her scent. Summers could barely breath for wanting . . . What he could not say.

In the bed, the girl stirred. She dreamt of that afternoon, reliving her first kill over and over again in graphic detail. Serenity whimpered in her sleep and clutched a broken geo stone tighter. Its jagged edges cut through her calluses, making faint red beads appear on the pillow. It looked like she wept in a state of passion.

Any other place, any other person, he would have found the sight charming. Suffering, like fine wine, was to be savored. But it didn't look right on her; and that scared him more than anything had in a long time. He shook himself mentally. _Emotions are the chains that others use to control us._

Summers gently kissed her brow and took the dreams away. He couldn't help but smile as she relaxed and rolled over to fit herself more comfortably around the stone she slept with. _Maybe in the next life._

Summers reached into Serenity's basket and removed Bessie, raising the blade high as a dark red haze infused his vision.

Japanese

Chan- an informal title used for young children and very close friends or family members.

Ototo- younger brother

Waga Reifujin- My Lady

Chinese

Niao- pissed

Tianxia suoyoude ren dou gaisi- Fuck you. Damn everyone in the verse.

Á yi- Auntie

Tian jiàng, Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma- All praise and glory, Holy Mother

gen houzi bi diou shi- Engage in a feces-hurling contest with a monkey

Jiang Fu- Blessings from heaven


	7. Part VI: Book of Surrender

Author's Note: If you've read my short story, "The Art of Scars," then portions of this chapter will look very familiar. Believe it or not, The Art of Scars was written over a year ago to be part of this chapter. I liked it so much, I decided that it could stand on its own while I was writing the chapters leading up to this one. What can I say, I'm an incredibly slow writer who works far to many hours. Anyway, if anyone is still following this saga, then I hope you enjoy this incredibly late entry or if it sucks please let me know.

Best Regards,

Phaedra

35. The Art of Scars

There can be beauty without art. I had always thought that the two were inextricably interwoven, like the arms of lovers at the point of climax.

He stood in my room gun ready, eyes darting around searching for the enemy who is not there. I laughed . . . I couldn't help it, he looked so ridiculous wear that sad excuse for a sari, his face obscured by veils.

Mal struggled out of his headdress, clearly frustrated by my laughter. "I came here to rescue you, woman!"

The mirth died on my lips. This was Ishtar's amends. This was my one chance to taste happiness.

I walked across the room and pressed him against the door he just burst through. I had to stand on my toes, balancing my hands on his shoulders to reach his mouth. I dragged his face to mine and pressed my lips to his.

At first he kissed me back. Our lips fed on each other, tongues danced. He bent down to balance for our heights. His arms wrapped around my waist. Joy bubbled within me and came out as laughter mixed in with my kiss. He stiffened and roughly pushed me away. "What are you doing?"

Always wrong. Even after years of training and countless clients, I will never know how to handle this man. But I would not be gainsaid in this endeavor. I walked back with purpose in my eyes and began to un-wrap his sari. "I'm taking what we both want."

There was no art when we came together. Art requires thought, planning, precision. Love is my art. But the first time, there was only anger, vengeance, passion, need, and so much beauty I thought I would shatter. We attacked more than embraced each other, acting on instinct. Each seeking to break the other's soul . . . searching for that admission: I was wrong to leave you; I was a fool to let you go. We both wanted capitulation, without having to sacrifice anything of ourselves. Neither compromise nor complication would do. In the end the victory was mutual, our surrender absolute.

**

* * *

**

The Pillow Book of Inara Serra

**Part VI: Book of Surrender**

**

* * *

Reynolds Ranch**

"LEMME GO!" Serenity shouted.

River sat calmly in the shade of the ranch's front porch contemplating the meanings of one of her favorite word.

_Serenity- noun (1) The state or quality of being serene. (2) A disposition free from stress or worry. (3) The absence of mental stress or anxiety. From the Latin serenus "clear, calm."_

Serenity broke free and rushed at Summers throwing the full weight of her slender body against his. He could have easily deflected the charge; but he allowed the blow so he could enjoy an exquisitely fleeting moment of contact. Then he spun away leaving her to fall flat in the mud.

He could have killed her the other night. He should have. Instead he stood there for hours watching her sleep.

"Now how did I do that?" He demanded.

She pouted wiping the grime off her face, "By being fast like a freak!"

_Serenity- Valley located on the planet Hera. Sight of one of the bloodiest battles in the First War for Independence._

"No, you use the same attack each time, charging ahead like a bull," Summers criticized.

Serenity knew she was doin' it right, just like Jayne taught her. "Ain't nothin' wrong wit' the way I fight!"

"You're neither 6' 4" nor do you weigh over two hundred pounds. You're a small woman, you can't toss people about like the merc. So stop trying to and use the moves I taught you."

_Serenity- Midbulk transport, standard radion-accelerator core, classcode 03-K64, "Firefly"._

River watched them playing their silly game. Summer stood behind Serenity moving her arms in rapturously slow Judo movements. A patient master guiding his pupil; like _miao hong_ in school.

_Serenity- neither child nor woman. Daughter - bastard- brat - hope- shattered- beloved- mystery. Born to bring peace, but never know it herself._

People lost themselves in Serenity. It was her singular gift; the innate ability to draw people in and show them a different world in her eyes. She temporarily had given Mal and Inara the unconditional love they couldn't find in each other's arms. Replaced Kaylee's stillborn child. Even transformed Jayne from a talking man-ape thing into something that could almost pass for a human being. River had thought the girl's powers were limited to that funny thing called family; but she clearly had the assassin wrapped around her callused little finger. _He may prove to be a prince after all._

"Now," he commanded, "do it again the way I showed you." Summers wrapped his arm around Serenity's throat pressing her to him. She quickly thrust her elbow into his midsection using resulting imbalance to flip him over onto the ground. She landed on top of him pinning him down.

"Say uncle!" She crowed in triumph.

"Never," he smiled, grabbing her wrists and rolling her over.

River rolled her eyes. _Silly boy, all that book learning and training and he doesn't even know it would be better with her on top._

* * *

The second time was gentle. We reclined against the door. Our fingers interlaced. My head rested against his damp chest as his free hand lovingly stroked my hair. Time lost meaning. We may have been like that for ten minutes . . . an hour. Maybe we've always been there and the rest is just a dream.

Mal lifted my hand to his lips and gently kissed my palm. Slowly he worked his way to my wrist and up my arm. He stopped at the blooming bruise. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's alright," I soothed. "I've always bruised easily." I reached around caressing his back where my nails scored his flesh. "You didn't exactly come out . . . unscathed yourself," I giggled.

He gently lifted my chin forcing me to look into those oh so serious blue eyes. "I don't mean that. I don't even mean what just happened. Ah Christ, 'Nara, I'm so sorry for all the times I hurt you."

I stroked his face. "It's our way. We will hurt each other, again and again, before all this is done." Before he could turn from this truth, I locked him in my embrace. "But we also heal each other as well. Isn't that what love is?" I kissed him then, in earnest, accepting his apology, taking it in to me, and giving my own. We made love again, only this time it was different. He touched me as if I were made out of the finely wrought silk. He almost seemed scared that his callused hands would ruin the weave of my flesh.

I've had superb lovers, some objectively better than Mal. But only one other has ever touched me like that. His tenderness cut me like a knife and tears of excruciating pleasure run down my cheeks. Mal stopped my movements, "What's wrong?"

I smiled, the laughter spilling forth again. "Nothing," I said rubbing at my eyes. "I'm just happy."

Mal's expression went from perplexed to relieved to slightly annoyed and settled on amused. "You know you're insane?"

"Only because you make me so."

**

* * *

Londonium**

General Atherton Wing sat at his immense cherry wood desk, a look of maleficent self satisfaction gracing his handsome face.

"What are you looking so happy about?" Shan Yu XIV inquired. "Has Badger found Kali's agent?"

Wing rolled his eyes. "No Bludger is as incompetent as ever. He's still stumbling across Shadow. I'd have him shot, but we don't have the bullets to spare."

"Then why the smile? Kali dispatched your other spy. We're no better off than we were when the invasion of Shadow was authorized."

"I'm smiling, my inept celestial friend, because as your people might say: 'Crisis is just another word for opportunity.'"

"Pardon?"

Wing marveled at time's ability to pollute even the most sublime of bloodlines. Shan Yu was one of the greatest philosophers the verse had ever known, a master of strategy, stanza, and sadism. His descendent, on the other hand, was a tiresome gnome whose intellect was as diminutive as his stature.

"I just had a visit from a most interesting young lady."

"And?" Yu pressed.

"You know what I love about women?"

"What?"

"Their ability to hold a grudge."

* * *

Mal used my cortex link to wave to the crew. They all appeared on the screen, with anxious looks written across their faces. "Everything seems to be alright here," he began. "But I may need a few more days to check out the situation."

Kaylee could barely hide her smile. Wash was positively pink. Jayne blurted out, "She that good, Mal?!" This earned him a punch on the arm from Simon and a cutting glance from River as she tapped the side of her head. Even the Shepherd looked slightly embarrassed.

Fortunately, Zoe could be relied upon to remain stoic. "Shi shi, sir. Got a job on Greenleaf anyway. We won't be able to pick you up for at least week. Have fun." The link went dead.

Mal stared disbelievingly at the screen. "You set this up didn't you?"

My hands went up in a sign of protest, "I had no part in bringing you here."

He stalked me across the room driving me towards the bed where he tackled me. "You had that old dame wave me and tell me you were in trouble," he demanded tickling me into submission. "Damn it woman, if you wanted me so bad all you had to do was ask."

"I swear, I had nothing to do with any of this," I panted out between snorts of laughter.

"Then why did she wave me?" He asked in all seriousness.

"Fate is a fickle mistress, Mal. It's best not to question her."

**

* * *

Shadow**

Serenity flushed deeply both from the exertion of her efforts and the feeling of Summers' body on hers. He was too close. It didn't feel like a game anymore. "Let me go."

The smell of her was so thick it was almost unbearable; the same as the other night while she was sleeping. Myrrh and rockrose, juniper and bitter almonds. Lemon freshness, cinnamon heat, and that haunting whiff of vanilla innocence; the kind of combination commonly lost with one's first fuck or fight. No one her age had any business smelling like that. But she did. Here in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by enemies and cow shit, she somehow remained untouched. He wanted to plunge himself into that purity; to cleanse himself in the blood of the wolf.

"Matt, please let me go," Serenity repeated.

She overpowered Summers' senses blocking out the truth of her panic and world around them. He never saw his rival coming.

"Get off of her you sommbitch," Jonah Burgess roared tackling the other man. They tumbled in Shadow's rust colored mud. Jonah gaining the advantage used it to pummel Summers's face with his fist, over and over. His lip split, nose shattered, sea blue eyes filled with blood. Summers reveled in the pain, in the waves of fear and hate rolled off of his adversary, feeding the sweet crimson haze that consumed him. In those moments of excruciating delight, he enjoyed a peace he had not known since the day he met with Ambassador and the girl started invading his dreams.

"NO!" Serenity shouted trying to pull Jonah away. Momentarily distracted, Summers landed a deft blow to Jonah's throat sending the whore-boy stumbling back into Serenity.

"Oh, honey," she mewed at the gasping baggage in her arms. She held him Jonah, willing him to breathe as she softly whispered reassurances. "It ain't what you think. Pa sent him here to look after us. He ain't nothin' . . . nothin'.'"

Summers had known agony and rage. In the years since his parents sold him, these two feelings had been his constant companions buoying his will to survive when others deserted him. But this was something new. "You disgust me," he jeered not sure which he was addressing. "You'd lay yourself open for all comers." Jonah found it increasingly hard to breathe. He began to claw at his throat ripping away the flesh in a desperate attempt to remove the blockage robbing him of air. "You think you give, but all you know how to do is take. You use people and then spit them out!" Serenity doubled over. Her stomach clenched like it was caught in a vice, akin to the worst cramps that came with her menses. She felt a thick wetness and looked down to see a dark red stain spreading out from the crotch of her pants.

"Bad!" River's voice echoed in Summers head. She had relinquished her throne on the porch and walking towards them a wind blowing her skirts and hair. Energy emanated from her thin form. "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! Mama said no toying!"

Summers snapped out of his reverie to see his two would be victims unmarred, staring at him in confusion. Serenity gently relinquished her burden and walked cautiously towards him. "You ok Matt? You don't look so good."

Summers looked from the girl to the woman. Power radiated from both of them. He knew he was out matched. "Whore," he spat as he trudged away from lot.

* * *

We spent two whole days in my room. Food was discretely left at the door with a light knock. Otherwise, we had all that we needed in each other. I have never seen Mal like this. He seemed so young, so free. We talked most of the time. He told me about growing up on Shadow and the War. Most of the stories were funny. Some were not. I did as my heart, not my training, bid me; I listened drinking it all in, the good with the bad, losing myself in him.

But he also asked questions. They are dangerous in that they require answers. For a while I silenced him by distracting his body, while gratifying my own. But he caught on to my game.

"No, Inara, I want . . . I need to know why you became a companion."

"I was born here. I didn't exist before I entered these walls."

"That ain't an answer."

"You have shown me the verse," I said pulling him up from the bed. "Let me show you my home." I took him around House Madrassa. Through it official welcoming suites lined with priceless objet d'art that did not impress him. I tried to describe our ceremonies and rituals, but I could tell that he was uncomfortable and felt out of place within the halls.

I led him to the Maiden House where the children receive their lessons. His scorn was palpable. "All them gonna be companions?"

"No. When they come of age they must choose. Those that do not are sent to different academies where they can receive the training best suited to their gifts."

He looked at me with distrust, "That the party line?"

"No. The Guild would never admit that anyone does not want to be a companion, but many leave. A companion stands constantly at the crossroads of life. A true companion will choose again and again the way of sacred service."

He considered for a moment and then asked, "What happens to them that don't?"

I took him to the Garden of the Lost. I led him to the cherry tree that Nandie and I loved and show him our initials. "No one ever truly leaves the Guild," I explained. "When Anathemas die part their ashes are buried in this garden so they can return to their brothers and sisters." We sat there a while and mourned for Nandie.

Lastly, I took him to the Treasure Trove. "This is where companions come when we are too old to serve in the traditional manner. This is where we die."

Until that point, Mal followed where I led, listening as much as his nature would allow; but he froze up at the door to the Trove. "My mama died in a place like that. I don't need to see it. You ain't gonna end that way. I won't let that happen."

In the short time we had spent together, Mal touched me in so many ways; none were more poignant than that. "It's not what you think. This is a place where we celebrate life in the midst of death."

I firmly took his hand and led him in. Music and perfume filled the air. Girls danced. Boys sang. Others sat around the feet of the Xu listening to their tales. An odd client or two sat earnestly talking to the Crones hoping to gain wisdom from their aged voices.

I could tell he was more stunned than when Atherton challenged him to the sword fight. "Huh," was all he could say.

"We call this Treasure Trove, because it holds the collective wisdom of the Guild. Companions come here to learn true beauty, the kind that does not fade. Clients pay thousands of credits and wait many months for a single hour of conversation with one of its inhabitants. It is a great honor that they let me bring you here." He still looked awe struck and doubtful. "Come, there is someone I want you to meet."

I led him out of the common room to Ishtar's receiving chamber. She sat there like a queen as a young novice with the face of a china doll combed her long white hair.

I bowed deeply. "Shen Sheng Wuh de Ma, may I present Captain Reynolds." I turned to Mal willing him to respect authority for once in his life. "Mal, this is my Mother."

Ishtar dismissed the novice. "Go back to your lessons, Mai." She then scrutinized him holding up her quizzing glass. I think both Mal and I held our breadth waiting for her pronouncement. She clapped her hands and cackled with glee. "Every inch the pirate prince I imagined. Oh Inara, were I a bit younger I would take this one for myself."

In spite of my training, I blushed deeply. Mal gave her his best rogue smile and shook her hand heartily, "Mighty pleased to meet you Ma'am." They spent the next few minutes talking like they'd known each other forever. Ishtar told shameful stories about how clumsy I used to be as a novice. Mal countered with tales of my penchant for kissing nefarious women. I must tell him the truth about that some day.

The interview ended and the wicked old woman soundly kissed him on the lips. "You must take care of my ray of light. Hide her from the Sun as long as you can."

Mal grinned like a schoolboy as we left the Treasure Trove. "That there was a mighty fine lady! But what she mean with that sun stuff?"

"She's old," I snapped. "Ishtar's given to flights of fancy."

"'Nara . . ."

I apologized and attempted to brush the episode away with a smile. But Ishtar presumed too much. I cannot go back with Mal or the truth may kill us both.

**

* * *

Londonium**

It is said that truth is the first causality of war. This is a lie. War, like sex, is a purifier. It reveals rather than masks man's true nature. We are more ourselves in that moment when an enemy falls, than possibly in any other time. War strips away social niceties and leaves us bare, savage, and completely natural.

Chancellor Lang contemplated the nuances of this truth as he gazed at the protesting masses from the window of his well-appointed limousine. An expression of abhorrence marred the otherwise handsome features of his face. Crowds gathered on the steps of Parliament holding ill-conceived signs, chanting mottos that should have died on Earth-That-Was.

"What do we want?"

"Peace!"

"When do we want it?"

"Now!"

"Fools. We'll see how much they love peace when the prices skyrocket because we no longer control the Rim," he sneered. _The first casualty of war isn't truth; it's respect for authority._ "Which one of them will protest when the Browncoat terrorists start attacking the Core. I should the guards open fire, just so they can have a taste of what is to come if we loose any more ground."

Dark eyes, which mirrored his own, looked back at him. "You can't tell the people we're fighting for civilization and then fire into an unarmed crowd, darling. Hypocrisy is so passé."

"You should know. Tell me, _darling_, what keeps you at House Hetaira for so many hours."

Kali graced him with a secretive smirk. "Knowing the reason breaks the spell. A good companion never will tell."

"There was a time when we shared all our secrets, Pina," he murmured.

The playful contempt bled from her face and naked pain took its place. "We both know why that time is dead," she answered.

He could not bear the sight of her and was glad when the heavy black veil blotted out her lovely visage.

The car stopped. Lang emerged all annoyance and hurt banished. In its place was the familiar look of aloof confidence that had become his trademark. "Showtime." He held out his hand for his lady and she gracefully emerged behind him into the din of the mob's roar.

**

* * *

Shadow**

"Forget this noise," Summers grumbled as he made his way deeper into the woods. He had to get off this piece of go se moon. Five minutes with the Ambassador and that beautiful bitch would be begging to tell him where his mother and brother were. He'd find them and put them somewhere safe. No one would ever hurt them again, just like he promised. _Emotions are the chains that others use to control us._ No one would ever use them against him again.

_"You okay? You want some more water?"_ Nearly a mile away and he could still feel and hear her. _"I'm sorry 'bout your boots." _

_"That's alright. Interesting fluids are an occupational hazard." _Jonah laughed and joked while Serenity tended to him. She was smiling, even tentatively flirting back; gliding her coarse fingers across Jonah's cheeks looking for bruises they all knew weren't there. Summers could feel her hands and the emotions that they carried.

"The process can result in certain levels of retardation in the subject. Traps the subject at a particular emotional age, even as it progress in all other areas." River materialized as if from nowhere. "He held her hair while she was sick. Tenderness leaves an impression. It's no call for jealousy."

Summers shook his blond head in disgust. He should have known Jonah was coming. Should have felt River following him. The girl blocked everything out, made him weak. "Get out of my way, witch."

River stood her ground. "They made you kill it, snap its little neck."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Each of you got one when you first came. Studies found that the subjects' reality matrix survived the neural stripping better if they had something corporeal, something living to hold onto in the early stages. Answer: Provide subjects with pets. Emotions are the chains that others use to control us. Severance is the first test administered to the subjects once they have completed their course of medical improvements."

Summers was unimpressed, "I'm not like those yahoos back at the farm. Your little mind games don't work on me." He pushed her aside and kept walking.

"She'll die." That stopped him dead in his tracks. River continued, "Shu wasn't your fault. You were the only one that refused to execute the mission. Would have given your life for a rodent. Didn't act until they showed pictures of Mama and Stevie."

"Get to the point about the girl," he said grounding out the words just like he ground the life out of the creature that had once been his only friend.

"You can leave. The gloves of blue are acolytes in her house, but the Goddess isn't like them. She won't seek vengeance against your innocents. It's not in her nature. But the Wolf's cub is still too weak to kill on her own. She will die without a strong hunter by her side," the mad woman prophesized.

"Bullshit." As far as Summer's could see, Serenity wasn't in any greater danger than anyone else on Shadow. In point of a fact, there was an entire ranch filled with nuts who seemed more than ready to kill and die for her.

River read his thoughts, "Sometimes family isn't enough."

"That's not my problem."

River walked slowly towards him willing him to understand. "Red is a complicated color. It means more than pain or passion." She pressed an oval shaped stone roughly the size of a palm into his hands. "Wei is precious and rare. It's valued not only for its beauty, but also for its healing properties. It is the stone of the heart."

Summers looked at the unpolished reddish stone and wished, like many had before him, that River would just speak plain. "I didn't hurt her today. But I can. I'm afraid I will. I only know how to kill."

"Isn't that the nature of love?" River asked, looking at him as if he had just stated the obvious. "She can teach you how to live. You just have to believe."

"I can't. It's too late for me," he breathed. But no one was there to hear.

**

* * *

Greenleaf**

"Repeat! Repeat!" Sue Ellen tried to shout above the screeching of men and gunfire. "Do not approach, it's too damn hot!"

"Fuck that," the voice on the com link crackled, "we're coming to get you."

"Tell Shi now is not the time for . . ."

The same explosion that cut off Mal Reynold's words also smashed the breadth from his lungs and singed his exposed flesh.

All around him Independence solider lay dead and dying. Young, firm limbs torn from their owners' trunks and tossed about like the toys of a careless child. Open mouths froze in an eternal moment of ecstasy. Clear eyes stared up to heave askin' why. God's indifference reflected in their glassy gaze.

They were the lucky ones. Them that weren't screamed and twitched. They clawed at the mud desperately seeking cover. They cried not for victory, but for survival.

* * *

It is done.

We lay in bed laughing so much it hurt. Tears poured from my eyes, but Mal wouldn't stop.

"He actually asked my permission to court Kaylee. You should have seen the boy's face. He looked like I was gonna throw him out the air lock. Let him think that for a few minutes too."

"Mal!" I knew these stories. Kaylee waived me when Simon first declared his intentions. Since then I received regular updates on every step of their burgeoning romance. Still, it sounded new and different coming from him.

"Now, I don't approve of ship board romances," he said in his best captainy voice. "But if the boy didn't make his move soon, I was gonna to take to trippin' him in the hope that he would inadvertently fall on top of her."

"And they're happy?"

"It's so sweet I might have to take insulin shots. With that and Zoe pregnant, the boat's becomin' downright domesticated."

I snuggled closer to him. "Oh how you suffer," I sarcastically crooned.

"Yep, it's a burden," he smiled as he tries to catch his breadth from laughing. "Speculate, it won't be no time 'fore Jayne and Book are seekin' my blessin'."

"That's not funny," I snorted clutching at my aching belly.

"Well it's better than Jayne and River hookin' up." We both fell into a new fit of giggles. "That would be truly creepifyin'."

"Merciful Buddah, I've missed you. . . all of you." I should not have said that. But words, once spoken, cannot be taken back.

A sly smile stole across Mal's lips. "So, I take that to mean that you'll be comin' wit' me when the boat returns?"

I sat up wrapping my arms around my legs. I could feel the end coming. Best to get it over with quickly. "That depends on you," I murmured.

Mal failed to sense my change in mood. He started nuzzling at my neck, which under normal circumstances would drive me crazy. "All right woman," he whispered. "I'll pleasure you again. But I swear you'll be the death of me."

I can't think when he touches me.

I left the bed and stood across the room where he couldn't reach me. "I would require certain concessions before returning to Serenity."

He knew I was serious now. This was the conversation we've been avoiding since he came for me. "'Nara, I . . . I need you. Serenity ain't been the same. I guess Kaylee and the others might have waived you about what a ripe bastard I've become since you left. But I," he paused searching for the right words. "I can't bear the thought of someone else touchin' you. Don't make me promise somethin' I can't do."

I felt my anger rising. Good, it will be my one true companion now that he's gone. "Do you think I can bear your smuggling? The petty risks you take?" I demanded.

"It ain't the same," he said rising up to stand his ground. "What I do is honest."

"No Mal, it is the same. We both fuck people for a living. The only difference is my clients are always satisfied when I'm done."

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. You sound like a . . ."

"A what, Mal? A whore? Look around you. This is all I am! This is all I know! What would I be if I'm not Serenity's 'Ambassador'?"

"You would be with me. I would take care of you."

I shook my head in disgust. "And you think that would make me happy? I want to be with you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I won't give up being a companion to become your private whore." The words sounded harsh even in my ear. I tried to soften them with the truth. "I won't leave my life to watch you die."

He sat back down on the bed in defeat, his head buried in his hands. "What do you want then?"

"I want a relationship of equals. You need me to give up my life. I need you to give me part of yours."

"Shime?"

"I have fifty thousand credits saved. I want to buy a quarter interest in Serenity."

He stood up and walked past me, scooping his shirt off of the floor. "You gorram core folk think you can buy what ever you want! What comes next Inara, you gonna tell me where to fly, what jobs to take?"

"Yes, I would like to have some say in the way Serenity's affairs are conducted. We can't go on the way we used to. With the Alliance still looking for River and Simon and Zoe's baby on the way; it's time you grow up and realize there are lives at stake."

"No whore's gonna tell me how to run my ruttin' boat."

"Well that didn't take long. I guess I should be grateful that you didn't call me that in front of my Mother. But this is my world, my rules and that's the last time you will ever call me a whore. Get out."

"Fuck you Inara," he shouted slamming the door on his way out.

"You already did," I whispered to an empty room.

I pulled a bottle of rice wine and started packing.

**

* * *

Londonium**

The ability to remain unaffected by something as banal as public opinion has long been held as a mark of good breeding. They walked, serenely waving, as if mob offered adoration instead of scorn. The multitude pressed forward even as the guards strove to maintain order. Moving through it, the sun Wolf and the dark Goddess would stop to listen to some complaint, take the odd petition.

A young woman, smartly dressed with shining red hair called out to them, "My Lord and Lady, there is something you must know."

Kali clutched her lover's hand. "Don't." There was something familiar, something wrong about the petitioner.

But the Chancellor gravitated towards the woman, happy to see that at least one person still respected the state's authority. "What is it, mei-mei?," he asked beneficently.

The girl bowed deeply. "I have a message from an old friend."

Positioning herself between Lang the petitioner, Kali hissed, "What do you want?"

"Justice, my Lady," the stranger declared thrusting her blade forward.

It all happened too fast. Instinctively, Lang pushed Kali aside, stepping into the dagger's path, taking the brunt of its blow in his chest. A look of disappointment flashed across the assassin's face two seconds before the bullet obliterated it.

The Chancellor fell into the arms of his mistress. "No." She prayed. "Stay with me. Stay! Don't leave me Alex." Tardy guards surrounded the couple setting off a round of shots, driving the mob back.

Joy comes, unbidden, at the oddest of times. "There you are Pina," he sighed, "I've missed you."

The guards lifted him and carried Lang's inert body away. The remainder surrounded his lady and escorted her from the Capital.

"You idiot. I've always been with you . . . you've always be with me," she whispered.

* * *

The sound of someone banging at my door woke me up. "Go away." I whimpered. I was still too hung over and hurt to face the day. The knocking persisted. "I'm not receiving anyone today!" For two seconds there was blessed silence, then wrapping that threatened to split my head open continued. "Gen houzi bi diou shi," I cursed wrenching open the door. "What part of go . . .," Mal stood at my threshold with a sheepish grin, "away did you . . . What are you doing here?"

"Giving us what we both want," he said seconds before he lifted me up and passionately kissed me.

It took all my strength to push him away. "No. This is not how it happens."

Mal smile his patented go se eating grin. "You can't fool me 'Nara. Well you can . . . you did. But I'm wise to your game. I ain't gonna let you push me away."

It was my turn to be dumfounded. "Huh?"

"I'm callin' your bluff lady. You want part of the ship it's yours. You want a voice at the table, that's fine." He got down on one knee and drew a small velvet pouch out of his pocket. From its depths he produced a simple platinum band, "Miss Serra would you do me the honor of bein' my partner?"

"Mal, I . . ." I took the ring from him watching the light play off the engraved words,_ You and no other._ "If I wear this, it does not mean you own me."

He knew he had me. "'Course not, consider this in lieu of a contract." Playing with his suspenders and looking incredibly pleased with himself, he continued, "'Sides I couldn't afford the payments on your ass anyway."

I slipped the ring on my finger. "I going to regret this, aren't I?"

"No you ain't. Not if I can help it," he said tenderly. "But I got some conditions of my own."

"They are?"

"Well number one, Serenity's barely worth ten thousand credits. I ain't gonna begin by cheatin' you outta money you earned honestly. I'll take five. Gonna use it for repairs mostly and to pay the crew back wages, plus some much needed bonuses. The rest of that money's yours. I always kinda fancied the idea of bein' kept by a rich woman."

"Done. But considering her stated net worth, five thousand seems a bit high."

"Brings me to condition number two, Zoe. She been wit' me since the beginin'. Serenity's as much hers as it is mine. I can't take you on as a partner without offering her the same deal. She ain't got the money to buy her way in and won't take no charity from me. Could be, she'd take a loan from you."

I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to cover my growing smile. Mal has the most annoying habit of giving me new reasons to love him every day. "Done, anything else, Captain?"

"Yeah, one last thing." He used his callused fingers to wipe away the makeup my tears washed down my face. "No more pushin', no more runnin' from either of us. We do this, it's for the long haul."

"It won't be easy," I warned. "We'll fight, we always do."

"Yep, I hear tell that lots of couples do that."

I signed, "Most couples aren't as stubborn as we are. What happens if we can't work it out?"

"Well then, we'll have just shoot each other, cause only death gonna take you from me."

I could only laugh, because I knew he was dead serious, "You're psychotic."

"Yeah, that's why you love me." We began kissing, and then we said no more.

**

* * *

Greenleaf**

This wasn't Du Kang. Then he took the blows and still rise to rally his people to accomplish the impossible. They joined up with the Twenty-Second and drove the Alliance off that rock. Hell, the Lieutenant even got a medal though the brass had to pin it to his chest since the feng zi swore he didn't have no arms.

Sue Ellen whimpered beside him. Mal pulled himself towards the muffled sound and covered the girl's body with his own to shield her from the fresh rain of bullets.

_Why can't it ever go smooth? _This was supposed to have been a milk run. Shih and Sue Ellen had pulled him from his self-imposed stupor to tell him that command ordered the Eumidide to drop off much needed supplies on Greenleaf.

This was not Serenity Valley. Then he had Zoe. Her will to pulled him through. Now, he was so tired that death seemed like a welcome option. Now, all he had to live for were these people and revenge.

_"Live for the crew; they will need you in the days to come." She whispered so only the two of them could hear. "Live for our daughter; you are all she has left." The drugs were taking effect quickly, her face grew hazy, her voice distant and weak. "Live for that day; I will be waiting my love."_

It was enough.

"Sue Ellen," he shouted. "Get up solider! Wave the Eumidide and tell them to get the hell out of here."

"We're gonna die here," she moaned.

"No we ain't," he said ripping off the soiled brown coat and waiving it high in the air. "Men tou xiang."

Sue Ellen stared at him, torn between relief and disbelief. "What are you doing Commander?"

"Getting us the hell off this rock. We're too damn pretty to die."

**

* * *

Shadow**

Serenity waited until nightfall, until the entire house was asleep before creeping to her window and crawling out.

She would have asked Matt to help her, but he'd walked away in some kinda huff and hadn't come back. Well fuck him. Would've asked Jayne, 'cept he'd just gotten back inta Kaylee's good graces and she'd surely throw him out for good if he helped. As it was she didn't know who'd skin her first, Kaylee for blowin' up the Alliance compound or Jayne for using the last of his good whiskey for doing it.

She left a note, just in case things . . . well as Pa was want to say, if things didn't go smooth. Still the job was the job and she'd be damned to the special hell 'fore she'd let the hundan Alliance swarm over her planet like evil purple ants at a perfectly good picnic. Somebody had to stand for what was right, no matter what the cost.

Gettin' out of the house was the easy part. Serenity walked through the woods with only the dim light of twin moons to guide her. The clink of the bottles in her satchel quickly turned from a comfort to loud rukus alerting any would be predator to her position. The trees, beautiful and majestic in the light, threw angry shadows that reached out and tried to claw at her. All the stories of Niska, Jubal Early, and Reavers Jayne told her as a child began to flood her mind. But it was the memory to that solider, the one who'd licked her face, the one she'd killed that pressed in closest.

"_You botherin' me, little girl. Got me all sorts of hot and bothered."_

Serenity withdrew Bessie to ward off the night. "You can't hurt me no more," she told the darkness. "Gonna make sure that none of your friends _bother_ no one ever again."

"That's going to be somewhat difficult with just a knife and a few jars of moonshine."

Serenity spun thrusting her blade forward. He caught her wrist and twisted it deftly forcing her to drop Bessie.

"You want to tell me what you're doing out here in the middle of night, dressed like that?" Summers asked taking in her faded black ensemble and pathetic attempts at camouflaging her face with soot.

"You wanna tell me what yer doin' skulkin' 'round and scarin' the shit outta people?"

Serenity's smell changed with her mood. Before she was all smokey incense, intense and intoxicating. Now she was washed out rain, a strong tea which hadn't been allowed to steep long enough. She was unsure and more than a little scared. He'd pity her, if she wasn't being such a gorram idiot.

He snickered, "Clearly, I'm rescuing you yet again."

"Why is it people conjure that I can't take care of my ownself? I ain't a baby!"

"No that's exactly what you are. A stupid child that can't figure out how good you have it or that people love you. When are you going to get it through your thick skull that this isn't a game. The Alliance would shoot you before you could toss the first jar."

"At least I would've died fightin', not in the woods with some asshole on top of me takin' what he wanted like some kinda animal," she cried fighting back tears that were born of frustration and rage.

"And what then? After they blew your pretty hero head off? Do you think they wouldn't come for Jayne or River or Kaylee? Do you think they would have let a terrorist's family live?"

"I hadn't. They wouldn't have . . . That would've never happen!" She shouted. "I could've made it work! I can do something right!"

Summers gently put the knife down on the ground and approached her cautiously. "Maybe you would have." He said calmly. "The first kill is never easy. The second, the third, after a while it becomes part of you. Is that what you want? To become a killer?"

"I want this war to be over. I wanna be free. Ain't that worth killin' for? Ain't that worth dyin' for?"

Though only a few years separated them in age, there were decades of experience between him and the girl. "Serenity, people die and kill for a lot of stupid shit. Peace and freedom are the worst." He moved closer caressing her soft soot filled curls. "Freedom is here, in your mind. A thousand battalions can't take that away from you."

He wanted to touch her more, to absorb the fear and frustration and hope seeping through the skin of her. Instead he took her small hand and held it to his chest. "Peace is here, in the heart. It's between two people when they let go and let be."

He watched the thoughts and emotions running across her face. Serenity stood there, feeling his steady pulse. She knew he was a stone cold killer. She looked into his sea blue eyes, still crossed with bloody lines from the fight he had with Jonah, and saw the wheels of manipulation turning. She knew she could never trust him, but she wanted so badly to believe him. And she knew he didn't know the first thing about freedom or peace. These were all pretty lies he was telling her. But she also knew that in that moment he wanted his words to be true. Wasn't that enough?

She smiled shaking her head, "I'm going to the special hell."

"What?"

"It's a long story," she smiled. "Maybe I'll tell you someday if you don't go runnin' off again."

"I won't run if you don't make me."

"Deal," she exclaimed spitting on her hand and holding it out to seal the bargain.

Summer looked at her spit covered hand shining the twin moons light. "That's disgusting. Take this as a sign of truce," he said holding out a rough red stone.

She looked a bit confused, but took the offering. "This is red jade. It's very rare you know."

"I know."

_Emotions are the chains that others use to control us._ That had been the mantra at the Academy; the only prayer allowed, repeated over and over before they went to bed. Summers repeated it again silently as he looked her with her soot covered face and her slimey little hand as it toyed with its new treasure. _Fuckin' kid. _Emotions are the chains that others use to control us. True then, true now. But maybe, just maybe, in surrendering to this child, he could find his own bit of peace and freedom.

He took her hand and raised it to his lips tasting rock and spittle, but mostly savoring Serenity. "Come on, we should be getting back." He dropped the hand before it could burn him and retrieved the knife. "Here, you don't want to loose your girl again."

"Matt, that day. I left Bessie in . . . in the woods. How'd she get onto my nightstand?"

"That too is a long story. And if you're very, very good maybe I'll tell you some day."

He led her back through the woods. Hand in hand they walked, Serenity blocking everything out; even the watcher who followed in their wake.

* * *

Mal's body is like a map of scars. Only a skilled cartographer can read it. Each line, each welt tells a story of its own. Tales of pain, sacrifice, honor, and love. Enemies, friends, and family permanently etched into the fabric of his skin.

I watched him while he slept. The moonlight was harsh making the damaged tissue stand out in bold relief against his blanched skin.

He has keloids around his left ear left from Niska. The others fought to free him. So did I. Battlefields come in all shapes and sizes. There is a small mark on his chest right above his heart. He stabbed himself so Serenity could live. Before that I loved the ship as a home, after that night I hated her as a rival. She almost stole Mal from me.

And then there are the scars on his shoulder and side. These are mine. Blood shed in the name the honor he didn't believe I had. I kissed these scars because they are precious to me. I nip because I resent what they mean.

A bullet wound in his belly where Patience shot him the first time. Small lines around his wrists from Alliance shackles. A long scar running the length of his thigh from a bull that got "uppity" when he was nothing more than a boy. There are others, too many. I don't know their stories. Maybe I will someday and then he won't have to bear them alone.

I looked at myself naked pressed against him. My body was smooth. The bruises have faded. Not a single imperfection to distract eye or displease the hand. All my scars are deep within, hidden where no one can ever find them. I could speak; give him the compass, show him the way. But my map leads to the past and therein lies only despair.

I should have left him, but in the end I was not that strong. So I closed my eyes and pressed closer to his warmth. I let my fingers run over his body memorizing every line, every fissure, every beautiful flaw that makes him, him.

Mal's body is a map of scars. And if I read it carefully, closely, then maybe we can both find our way home.


	8. Interlude: Captures of Days and Regrets

42. A Thousand Days

For one year we could not love each other. And then we did. Then I was his and he was mine.

I can count our days in hundreds.

The days we lied. The days we flirted. The days we betrayed.

Hated. Hid. Lusted. Fought. Reconciled. Bedded.

Knew a fleeting sense of peace.

In all one thousand days, just a thousand. And of those days, how few when we were truly in love with one another. When our loves met, overlapped, and were both his and mine.

And because I cannot let him in; he will soon turn from me.

**The Pillow Book of Inara Serra**

**Interlude: Captures of Days and Regrets**

**Wings for Flight**

There is a capture on Chancellor Lang's grand ebony desk. It's so old, that the colors have faded around the edges. The image runs in slow motion stalling at points. But still she flies perched precariously on her silver swing, a mass of raven curls and robin's egg colored silk. It is his favorite capture. He took it the day he died.

"Higher, Alex, I want to touch the sky."

"If I push you any higher you'll fly away."

"Exactly." The girl on the swing laughed at the older child's cowardice. "Don't you want to know what's out there? All the worlds beyond the core. Someday I'll see them all: the boarder planet, the rim, whatever lies beyond. I'll fly so far that no one will ever find me. I'll fly far enough to be free."

Alex grasped the chains of the swing roughly halting her assent to the heavens. "And where will I be while you're exploring the deepest regions of space?" He asked with a level of bitterness that belied his young age. "Would you really leave me, Pina?"

She slid off the high swing landing gracefully in spite of long skirts. "Of course, you'll be too busy running the 'verse to miss to me." She said in her best grown-up voice, taunting him with smiling lips and serious eyes. "What will you do when I leave?"

"I'll die," he answered truthfully. "You're all I have."

Pina regarded him petulantly both satisfied with and scared of his answer. Alex stared back, trying to memorize every line of her beloved face.

"Alex! Lord Alexandrous!" The shouts of the approaching boy broke their ocular contest. "Sir, the car has arrived. Your honorable parents are waiting for you."

Ignoring the small servant, Alex pulled Pina into an embrace. "I have to go now."

"See," she sniffed. "You are one the one leaving me to go to military school."

"You know I have to. Come on and see me off."

"No."

"Stop being such a brat."

"Go on then."

"God you're such a baby! I hope you grow up by the time I get back." Frustrated, Alexandrous Lang turned and started walking back to the manor.

Pina stuck her tongue out in the direction of his retreating form and returned to her swing.

"Lady Agrippina," the servant kowtowed. "The Master and Mistress will be most upset if you're not there to see Lord Alex off to school. Won't you please return?"

"They never notice whether I'm there or not, Otto. Go back and tell them I broke my neck while playing," she commanded. Unsure how to carry out his orders, Miike Takashi left fearing his owner's reaction.

Pina sat on her favorite toy swinging back and forth, hoping to ease away the hollowness that had formed at the pit of her tummy. She was still there a half hour later when the large dark car passed by. Alex leaned out of its window shouting, "I will never leave you, mei mei. I will always be with you. You will always be with me."

Even though she pretended not to notice, he took a picture so that he remember her and happier days.

"**A King of Infinite Space"**

Do not pity him. He does not want your pity. He doesn't need it.

He likes it. The fear. The pain. The kill. Wouldn't you?

He loves what he is. Loves the power. No past. No future. No doubt. Just the glorious now which becomes quite and still when drenched in a wet red haze. In a life filled with the thoughts of others, death had been the only serenity he knew.

Until he met her.

The others cannot smell or hear or feel or taste as he does. They'll never know the quiet that enfolds him whenever he's in her presence. The smell of innocence, passion, and death that follows in her wake. The touch of her small callused hand as she drawls the name that only his mother called him. The taste of honey and bitter almonds that infuses her breadth. It's the flavor of power. The promise of the woman who can bring order to a universe in chaos mixed with the regrets of the child being left behind.

She has died many deaths and will suffer many before this woman can be born. He knows, as no one else can, the child sleeping in her bed as mama kissed her for the last time. The girl standing in mute rage as almost everyone she loves slipped away. The teen clutching her face embracing the dawning revelation that her father hated her.

He sees her lying in an embankment of snow, her dark hair fanned in stark contrast, her lips dyed red with blood. He sees a gun resting in her hand, death's resolution glinting in her calm wet eyes. He sees her surrounded by stars completing work her parents' started.

He sees all of this and prays, that through shear force of will, all the gifts the Academy gave him he can spare her this fate. He wishes that she can remain the girl with the mud streaked face and never becomes the woman who will despise him.

They're really not so different from each other. Except she has everything and he is nothing.

**Tears on Her Pillow**

"We'll get her back," he vowed silently. "We'll get them all back."

When Shi was quite, not shoutin' and callin' him every type of fool, she had an unearthly beauty about her. Like them old pictures 'Nara used ta show him in books. Women dressed all funny in big gowns and veils with the most serene expressions on their faces, painted by men with funny names like Da Vinci and Donatello. Women, who on at first glance might look frail, but possessed an inner steel lurking just below their placid smile and languid eyes.

Josh Washburn-Warren had loved Ching Shih from almost the moment he met her. Not a surprising fact considerin' he had been raised in a house where women ruled even if the men folk didn't rightly know it. He'd always figured she loved him too. That someday in the middle of one of their silly spats she would just grab him and make a proper man of him. Figured that maybe after the war, when they weren't distracted by blowin' shit up or runnin' for their lives, they would just find their way to each other natural like.

Now, seein' her in Sue Ellen's room, curled up on the bed clutchin' the pillow and cryin' he realized how wrong he had been.

He returned to the bridge, to the charts he'd been studyin' since Greenleaf. The verse was filled with seventy earths and countless moons, a good third of them still under Alliance control. He'd find the Commander and Sue Ellen for her, for the crew, for himself. They'd lost too much already.

**A Picture Tells. . . Well You Know the Rest**

Mai found Kali sitting on a tarnished swing set lost in old memories, casually fondling a katana sword. In the days following the assassination attempt on the Chancellor, the couple had moved here so that Lang could recover in relative peace and safety, away from the rigors of Londonium's capital city. When he left over a month ago, Kali opted to stay. Mai had hoped that distance from the Guild, war, petty intrigues, and especially the Chancellor might help to revive her mistress's failing spirits. But everyday, Kali seemed to fade a bit more drawing further into herself waiting for an answer, a sign which never came.

Until today.

"My Lady, Shen Sheng Wu Da Ma sends her blessings and trusts that this gift will compel you to return to your duties," Mai announced proudly.

Kali lethargically took the envelop expecting yet another admonishment from the purported head of the Guild berating her for her lack of duty. But, as she surveyed its contents, relief and joy rose up from her chest and spilt from her lips in bubbles of laughter.

Mai leaned over her shoulder, observing the pictures filling the file. They all featured the same rather ordinary looking girl. Her hair was often pulled back in a messy bun which didn't favor her chin. The dusty khaki overalls, which seemed to constitute her only item of clothing, drained her olive skin making her appear sallow.

Kali poured over the same pictures, babbling and cooing like a proud mother. "She's, she's so beautiful. Look at her Mai, have you ever . . . she looks so much like him. She even has his nose."

The broad bridged nose ending in slightly flaring nostrils overwhelmed the girl's otherwise soft, sensuous features. Mai looked closer wrinkling her own perfect nose in annoyance with her mentor's obvious blindness, "I'm sure you can have that fixed when the war is over."

The bubbles turned into gales of mirth. "Are you trying to suggest that my baby is anything less than perfect?"

"No, my Lady," Mai laughed enjoying the levity of the moment. "I'm only suggesting that she could be more so with the assistance of an apt core surgeon."

"Snob! You've spent too much time with those vipers in House Hetaira. But you may waive Shan Li and express my gratitude. Tell her . . ." Kali's golden smile slowly faded into the cold death mask she had worn for so long. "Tell her I appreciate her efforts and their portent. I will return to the city tomorrow."

Sobered, Kali continued to thumb through the picture. The crew appeared in the background of some going about their chores on the ranch. She couldn't help but compare these captures to the ones she had destroyed. Then they had been at the height of their happiness, now images showed shadows of the people she had once known and loved. Nine had dwindled to five. Only River seemed untouched by time. True she did not look like the shattered sixteen year old Inara had met all those years ago, but eyes were the same. _Soon, the day will come, _they said. _Will you finish what you started?_ She gripped the sword a little bit tighter.

Kali carefully tucked the pictures back into their envelope and rose to leave.

Mai did not need her companion training to read her mistress. "You regret leaving them, don't you?"

The Lady Kali, who was once Inara Serra, began to walk towards the cold stones of the manor that was never her home.

"Friends, lover, child, self, which would you sacrifice? Or would you destroy the only person who ever truly loved you to save the others? Regrets are the solitary privilege of the living, Mai," she said clasping the folio to her breast, as she dragged her father's sword behind her. "Pray you have them some day."

**Love Like Salt**

There is an ancient tale from Earth-That-Was of a king who had three daughters. Each was a kind and wise as she was beautiful. Not being able to choose betwixt them, he decided to leave his kingdom to the one who loved him best. So he asked the first, "How much do you love me?" The eldest replied, "Oh father--my lord, master, and king--I love you more than my jewels, more than silks, more than the sweet song of the dulcimer or words of the most beautiful poem, indeed all the pleasures of the world mean nothing next to my love for you." The king was most pleased with this answer and he posed the same to his second child. She answered, "Sweet father, you who gave me life and give life to the land and people as their king. I love you more than all the lands in your realm, the riches they bring, or the people who populate them. All this I would gladly give up, for your love." Again, the king was most pleased with this answer, and being so, he posed the same question to his third and youngest daughter. She answered, "Father, I lack my siblings' eloquence and grandeur. Let it suffice to say that I love you as I love salt." These words greatly displeased the king and he banished his youngest child from court. Years later the king was served a meal made entirely without salt and wept for what he had lost.

People do not appreciate salt. Because it is cheap and common, they think it has no value. Salt gives food its taste. Makes it last longer, too. Salt can stop a wound from bleeding, help prevent infection. Mix salt with charcoal and a few other choice ingredients and it makes one hell of a boom.

Sue Ellen knelt on the snow covered ground letting her mind wander as she worked the Alliance guard. He tasted like the thin strands of pre-cum just beginning to dribble forth from his cock. He tasted like the bile burning at the back of her throat as her gag reflex tried to force out the unwanted intruder. He tasted like the deaths of innocent Baby Ray Ray, the wise Juanita, and all those they lost on Greenleaf. He tasted like the salt promised in exchange for her services.

She had to love him, just a bit, for that.

**Hope**

Kaylee doesn't smile anymore.

Hope came and left taking Kaylee's smile with her. Simon couldn't fix her. Can't fix someone when you're broken too. So he left too. Went to go find answers and they swallowed him whole. "Bye, bye Simon. Bye, bye big Brother."

Shepard man prayed. Prayed and prayed till the words turned to blood that dribbled out splattering his symbol. But god didn't listen. Didn't care that Wash and Zoe disappeared in as swirl of ash. Didn't care that 'Nara whored herself for love or that Mal cut out his own eyes rather than see that truth lies. Didn't care about the little ones left behind. Omniscience may just be a fancy word for indifference.

Jayne tried to help. He tilled the land and birthed the calves. Hired hands to replace them that went away. Played house the best he could. Primates have feelings even if they lack the words to articulate them.

And silence is the heaviest burden to carry. River both understood this. She kept their secrets as well as her own. Silence is hard, but not as hard as, losing Kaylee's smile.And that's why she couldn't, in spite of her vast intellect, comprehend why it hurt her so much when Kaylee's smile came back and caressed the man ape's cheek.

**Is There Anything More Terrible**

"Our Ambassador Kali has done well. The location of every operative Alliance base, the Browncoat Christmas has come early this year." Holy Mother clapped her withered hands with glee. "'A thousand blessings on good intentions, they are the wings on which hell takes flight.'"

"Shan Yu, 'To the Gates of Paradise,' Chapter 6, verse 23."

Shan Li smiled at her most perfect creation, "Very good. It brings me joy to know you have not forgotten all that I taught you."

"Cruelty, deception, deceit, cunning, all this I have suckled from your breast." Councilor Shan Yu XIV replied kneeling at the feet of his benefactress so she could fondle his balding head.

"And with a little patience, you will have so much more." She caressed his cheek softly, "What a grand Chancellor it will make."

"And you will have everything you so richly deserve," Shan Yu promised.

Shan Li closed her eyes and smiled. She could almost see the glorious future just hovering beyond her reach. "The ability to choose is the only thing that separates us from animals. Blue Sun forgot this when they took our knowledge and corrupted it. The Langs deserve to burn it the special hell."

"And he will."

"No, not just Alexandrous; I want all of them all." Sighing with deep satisfaction, Shan Li passed the captures to her protégé. "See that the idiot receives a copy of these. It's time to move to forward with the next phase of our plans."

Shan Yu hesitated in spite of himself. Somewhere beneath the seething ambition he liked Atherton Wing, respected Kali, and pitied the girl who had no knowledge of her bloody legacy. "By the time this has played out, one of them will die."

"May heaven grant that it be slow and painful." She stretched with the satisfaction of cat fatted on the sweetest cream. "'Is there anything more terrible than a mother's love?'"

"'The Art of Scars,' Chapter 12, verse 143. No, Shen Sheng Wu Da Ma, it is the most terrible thing I have ever known," he acknowledged.

**Perspective**

Once, a long time ago, General Atherton Wing had wanted a woman. To that end, he offered her the world. She threw it back in his face. Though this event was not--in any way--responsible for his evolution, it did leave an indelible mark. Her betrayal deeply wounded his pride and he was never again quite as sure of himself as he had been before.

Now the same woman would bring him everything he ever desired. He thumbed through the thick stack of capture he assumed Badger had sent him. The connection and conclusion were undeniable and he scolded himself for not having put the pieces together earlier.

Pretty girl. He would make her his whore when all this was over and she would take the place that could have be her mother's. Finally he would receive justice.

Atherton Wing did not consider himself to be a villain. This was not to say that some of the things he did could not be considered--by the emotional and uneducated--evil, for lack of a better term.

Yes, he lived in comfort while millions suffered in poverty. (Was he to feel guilt for what their karma had wrought?) True, he had killed a few with his own hands and had caused the deaths of hundreds thousands more. (Do not God and law recognize self defense?) And granted, he had tried to assassinate the Chancellor and the now plotted to overthrow him bringing down most of the Alliance leadership in the midst of a war. (What is more treasonable to remove a fool or to follow him?)

Atherton Wing slept well at night warmed by the bodies of women whose names he didn't know and comforted by knowledge that all he had done and planned to do was just.

Justice is determined by the victorious. Betrayal is nothing but one's skill in following the course of events. And evil is simply a matter of perspective.

**Fencing Lessons**

With words and swords and tongues and, indeed, their very bodies they had spent nearly ten years dueling with each other. It many respects it was more of a pitch battle than a love affair. He thought they were happy.

She started to teach him to fence shortly after she came back to him. "Incase you get any more harebrained ideas about defending my honor again," she'd say. Time and time again she'd work him till his muscles' screamed in protest and his body was bruised from the blows of her blunted blade. Those were the good days.

Then there were the days when the fighting stopped. When she had no energy for martial lessons or even for maternal care. When she drew away from him, from all of them, and would sit for hours on end staring at nothing. Days when he rose to find her crying in her sleep and she would scream when he tried wake her. Days when he felt her slipping, little by little, away from him.

In his naiveté he had thought those were the bad days. Now he knew better.

So Mal Reynolds did what any good soldier would do. He waited. Weren't nothin' else better to do on Tartarus. He spent his days lookin' after the soldiers held prisoner with there. He kept their hopes up, showed them how to survive under the harsh conditions. He spent his nights plotting with Sue Ellen coming up with various ways to escape the frozen prison planets.

And in the interim times, when he wasn't attending to his commandery duties, he'd practiced his fencing; waiting for the day he lived for to come.

**Of Fuchsias and Frogs**

"You're lyin'!"

"No," Jonah laughed. "My hand to God, she shot the hundan with me in her arms. I still get a funny ringin' in my ears now and again."

"But he was your pa," Serenity countered. "Ain't you mad? Don't you ever wonder 'bout him."

Jonah shrugged. "Sure now and again, when I ain't got nothin' better to think on. But I trust my mama, she said he deserved killin' and I chose to believe her."

"Damn and I thought my family cornered the market on fucked up."

"Nope," Jonah quickly snapped a capture of her face scrunched with disbelief. "I'm afraid, you and yers are just down right ordinary."

"Why you always doin' that?" Serenity blushed, punching him the arm for good measure.

He hesitated searchin' for the right answer. "Cause ya ain't never gonna be prettier then ya are right now. Figured I'd save the moment. Sides when we're all old and crotchety ya'll thank me."

"And what makes you think we gonna know each other when we're old?"

"Boy can dream can't . . ."

The sight in the square cut their banter short. Three new bodies hung from the gallows the Alliance erected shortly after the arrival of its soldiers six months ago. This time the victims were women ranging in age from what sixteen to sixty; looked to be members of the same family. Neatly printed placards designated each party's crime. Traitor. Terrorist. Whore. Bloated purple faces and bulging eyes stared out over skirts blowin' in the wind. They hung there like fuchsias in some grotesque garden.

"Cut'em down." Serenity directed her command not to Jonah, but to Summers who, as always, had quietly followed in her wake.

Summers moved forward brushing the Jonah aside as if he didn't matter. He looked deep into Serenity's eyes. "You're tired, its time to go home," he instructed

She shook her head trying to clear away the fog clouding her mind. "I said cut'em down, Matt."

"He's right," Jonah observed quietly. "They're dead. It ain't worth it, now."

"How can you, either of you, stand there and let this happen?" She asked accusingly.

Jonah shrugged. "They ain't the first. They certainly ain't gonna be the last. I hear that if you drop a frog inta a pan of boiling water the poor critter will hop around all googly eyed, fightin' for its life. But if ya put it in cool water, slowly raising the temperature by degrees, it'll just sit until it dies."

Serenity didn't know this for a fact. But the truth of it was plain to see in the faces of the "good" folk who just walked by without giving the gallows a second look. She turned again to Summers. "If I do as you say and go home now, you promise me, Matt. You promise, that you'll set this to right."

"Do you understand what you are asking me to do?"

"I understand that those women deserve justice," was her reply.

Summers bowed, "As my lady commands." He took her hand and began to lead her away.

She broke from her keeper's grasp and returned to Jonah. "You go home too, bao bei. It ain't safe fer any of us." A quick peck on the cheek and she was gone.

Jonah stepped forward and snapped a photo of the fluttering flowers and the passersby who paid them no mind. Them that employed him certainly already knew 'bout this, no need for documentation. The capture was for him. To mark. To remember for them that couldn't.

Weren't much difference 'tween frogs and folk, far as he could see.

_To be continued in The Pillowbook of Inara Serra, Part VII: The Book of Love in which there is a birth, a grand shindig, a kiss, a rape, at least one death, and a fall from grace. _


End file.
